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Why am I having second thoughts?

(37 Posts)
Sshhbear Sun 11-Oct-09 12:58:57

I have posted a couple of times before but to cut a long story short, I am planning on leaving my DH in two weeks time. I have been fighting to get out for a number of years but he won't leave (it's pretty much my house financially) and when I've tried to leave in the past, he hasn't let me. He's not violent but has been emotionally abusive over the years. He used to smoke a lot (not cigs) but gave up 'again' 3 weeks ago. He doesn't contribute to the household financially - I pay the mortgage, child care, groceries, bills etc. He is constantly looking at porn on the net and recently tried to arrange meeting up with a girl he met on a 'let's have sex' website (it was actually me testing him once I found out he had signed up - he didn't know it was me until his email friend stood him up).

Anyway, he is going away in two weeks and I have arranged a rental property to move into. I have to sign the lease tomorrow at noon and I am having major second thoughts. I do care for my DH and he is a good father but I know he isn't good for me. Everyone knows this but for some reason, I just can't seem to get out. After years of trying to get out, why am I having major second thoughts now that the time has come? Is it only because we've had a pretty nice weekend or am I supposed to stay and work it out? Thoughts and advice would be really helpful.


mmrred Sun 11-Oct-09 13:12:44

OP, have you name-changed for this post? Just checking as your story sounds familiar...

There could be many reasons why you find it hard to move on - fear of the future, fear of change, hope that he will change, inertia, habit, fear of loneliness, fear that you can't do any better than him, guilt etc etc etc.

All very scary stuff.

But, isn't it scarier to imagine yourself staying, day after day, pouring your hard-earned money into his hands, never having the chance of a mutually supportive relationship, never being able to give your DC's the things they could have if you weren't paying for their Dad's life, making them think it is OK for husbands to behave like that, showing them that woman are doormats...

Much, much scarier.

Sshhbear Sun 11-Oct-09 13:17:13

Thanks for the thoughts mmrred. No name change. Must be someone with similar problems. I know all the logical reasons to leave but for some reason I feel like I'm being unfair to him. Silly, huh.

He just asked me tonight to pick him up from the airport when he gets home. I don't want to tell him I'm leaving because he won't go away at all and I'll be stuck. By the same token, I think it's really unfair for me to let him come home and find the house empty of everything including us. While he's not violent, I think he's going to lose it. I was thinking maybe I should pick him up and tell him when I get him home. I have no idea how to do this, maybe that's why I'm having second, third and fourth thoughts about the whole plan.

jmacon Sun 11-Oct-09 13:22:45

Hi ya I am also trying to get the courage to leave my hash smoking partner See my post what to do re leaving. I think that for some people hash is one of the worst things they can be addicted to.

CarGirl Sun 11-Oct-09 13:26:38

Your having 2nd thoughts because it's is scary and the unknown. You would be heartless & emotionless if you didn't.

It is a huge change but it will be one for the better, you deserve so much better and so do your dc.

Trifle Sun 11-Oct-09 13:32:08

Why didnt you just add a message on your original post of 9 oct then it would save having to repeat the whole thing. Like I said on your original message, it's difficult to understand the whole situation financially to be able to contribute fully.

Sshhbear Sun 11-Oct-09 13:42:05

Thanks for the advice Trifle. It didn't occur to me to post on my last one. When I posted last time I was in the 'definately leaving' frame of mind. As I am starting to go crazy and doubt my decision, I thought it might be better to start a new post.

In short, everyone (including me) knows that he should walk because the mortgage is fully in my name, title in both and I have contributed about 90% to the house (I also brought cash from my last house into the relationship - he brought nothing). But I just can't seem to make him understand. He hates confrontation and the arguments just don't go anywhere. I have tried so hard to get him to leave and he won't do it. My plan is to rent privately and make him responsible for the mortgage in the meantime. If he won't, my solicitor said we can find a way to evict him.

I'm not too phased about the financial side of things - more concerned about whether to sign this lease tomorrow and if I do, do I let him walk into an empty house or tell him once he's away. I don't want to wreck his holiday (which I'm paying for, by the way) but am scare of what his reaction will be if I tell him in person on thee way home. Very stressful situation!

citronella Sun 11-Oct-09 13:47:23

I have not read the whole thread but OMG I could have written your OP!!shock
Let me finish reading and I'll get right back...

dittany Sun 11-Oct-09 13:49:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Sun 11-Oct-09 13:55:22

TBH when you married him it all became half his - but that is by the by.

If it is only your name on the mortgage then surely you can sell it and evict him?

Yes tell him you can't pick him up from the airport and let him find out when he gets back. You could always leave a dear John letter.

He is living with the consequences of his actions, he's an adult, that's life, tough he should have grown up and been resposnsible a long time ago.

citronella Sun 11-Oct-09 13:59:01

Every single detail of your OP is indentical to my situation (apart from there was some physical violence to boot).
It took me a long long time to make the final decision because I kept worrying about what would happen to him with no job no money and he still was a good dad and the dc love him.
In the ended I had to make the move because I knew that XH would never shift and leave. I moved into a rented property 16 months ago. I had to go.

You need to stop worrying about how he will feel or you will never be back in control of your life. I would tell him once he's away. Your don't want to wreck his holiday but your life is wrecked.
If you are scared of him, I would say just move out and let him find out for himself. You could leave a letter.
Lots of advice will be that you must not leave the home or you lose some rights to it, but you have a v. v. strong position.
Next, you need a damn good solicitor. Are you going to go down a divorce route? My sols advised me to get the decree absolute quickly.
My solicitor is now doing the same as yours although I have let him live there for longer than I should have and have footed the mortgage in the meantime.

Most of all, keep your resolve up!

citronella Sun 11-Oct-09 14:02:01

BTW my XH's income(mine) draining habit was alcohol and a growing obsession with fetish and S&M. You end up losing your own sense of what a 'normal' life should be.

missingtheaction Sun 11-Oct-09 14:05:33

Citronella is so right.

It doesn't sound as if you have changed your mind and want to stay - it sounds as though you are looking for a method of splitting up that is going to be plesant and amicable and agreeable.

Well, it isn't going to be like that. However you do this it's going to be pretty unplesant so gird your loins and keep your eyes on the long term gain and benefit. Focus on how wonderful it will be to be in that house on your own.

When XDP and I finally split up I moved to a rented house and stayed indoors alone for a week revelling in the peace and bliss of having my own space and the achievement of having made the big step.

Grit your teeth and just do it. Tell us when you have.

citronella Sun 11-Oct-09 14:17:05

Agree with missingtheaction. I kept delaying things and trying to 'do the right thing' by him so that things would be amicable and easy and calm. It can't be because fundamentally you want out and he wants in. Things are only pleasant, agreeable when I am not doing things to move the situation on. When I do things get ugly. Even now 16 months on I am reluctant to cause confrontation but very recently I have realised that If I am to start all over again providing a secure background for the dc I have to move the house situation on. I have now refused to speak to him other than via solicitors except txt or email to do with contact for the dc.

Oh and yes missingtheaction the peace and bliss of your own place is magical. I spent the first 6 months after I moved out dancing around my kitchen and walking around with a grin on my face. It was like this massive stone had been lifted off my chest.

There will be difficult and lonely times but they are worth a hundred times the prospect of another 20,30,40 years in that relationship.

Trifle Sun 11-Oct-09 14:20:10

But he's not going to pay the mortgage is he? I'm not sure if he works but you said in your original thread that he has never contributed financially so your house will end up getting reposessed unless you cough up both the rent and the mortgage. Wouldnt it be better to rent him a small cheap flat and you all stay put?

CarGirl Sun 11-Oct-09 14:22:55

Trifle he won't move out, why should he? As his name isn't on the deeds though although 50% of the equity is legally his as they are married he isn't required to sign anything to sell it........

citronella Sun 11-Oct-09 14:27:24

But if he physically won't move (and he can claim marital rights to where their matrimonial home. He will be told to stay put by his sols) it depends how much the Sshhbear wants out.
Things could go on forever if she doesn't break that cycle and move out. He will just be hoping that she'll change her mind, and its just a phase and things will just fall back to how they have always been.

Sshhbear Sun 11-Oct-09 21:30:09

Thanks everyone. You're all saying what I guess I already know. We're not actually married (long engagement) so that may makes things a little better on the legal front. My DH is 43, fit and healthy. He works and can easily make the income he needs to if he would only consistently work a 5 day week. I have worked out that if he doesn't pay the mortgage, I can afford to pay both for 6 months or so. Failing that, I think my bank will give me some grace as I have never missed a payment in 10 years.

Long term, I know I'll be better off. Doubt I would even bother venturing into another relationship for a long time. I was awake half the night last night stressing about what to do. Today's the big day! Signing the lease is half the battle - at least once this is done, I'll be in more of a position to do what needs to be done.

AllyOodle Sun 11-Oct-09 21:42:44

Nothing to say except Best Of Luck - Citronella and MissingTheAction had it spot on. The first day of the rest of your life
(You could send a cab to the airport for him.)

Sshhbear Mon 12-Oct-09 11:48:10

Good news today. I did it! I signed the lease. Felt very sick all morning but that passed once I put my name on the documents. I am still nervous and worried but my second thoughts seem to have lulled for a while.

Thanks for all your support. I'll keep you posted.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Mon 12-Oct-09 12:12:34

Well done.
I know all about the wobbles beleive me. I hated the fact so much that I was hurting my ex. I still cared about him he was/is the father of my children and I hated and felt guilty for splitting my family up.
There were times when it would have been so much easier to go back to him but that would only have been good for the short term. I knew somewhere down the line it Was going to happen I needed out for my own sanity.
He was emotionally abusive and was never around emotionally (or physically half the time) for either me or the dc's.

You are hurting for the loss of what could have been for all the things you wanted out of your life and family with this man. But you also know you are doing the right thing.
I won't pretend walking away wasn't hard but you know what I am soooo proud of myself for doing it now.
It sounds corny but I have finally found myself blush when I left him things had been his way for so long and I had got bogged down so much by being a mum to compensate for his lack of effort that I had no idea who I was and even the things I liked and enjoyed anymore.

It was tough for a while our post seperation relationship was hellish he was horrid but now I am married to someone else he has a new partner and we can chat on the phone and face to face and for the first time ever we communicate which he never could/would before.

Most importantly I'm a better parent for it because I am happy and i'm not trying to fill the gaps their father left anymore or distract them from the fact their father can't be arsed.
He is also a better parent now but that is a whole other thread.

Sorry I know my post was a bit self indugent blush I just wanted you to know that your feelings are normal you will be a mix of excitement and hurt for a while but you can do this you know you need to do it and you will feel a million times better after you have.

Good luck and if you do ever want to chat I can post my email address (won't be offended if you don't grin offer is there though)

Sshhbear Sat 24-Oct-09 07:11:03

Hi everyone
I did it! I moved out yesterday. He won't be back from his holiday from another two days and I am dreading what will happen when he returns.

Aside from that, I am really struggling with my decision. My children have been great about the move but they are really difficult children. My 10 year old is borderline ADHD, my 4.5 year old cries and sulks (loudly) all the time and my 2.5 year old is learning heaps of bad behaviour from both of them. Very stressful. I don't know if I can parent them alone without going mad. I get angry and impatient with them. I would never hurt them but I don't know if I can remain sane while trying to bring them up alone.

Very stressful.

macdoodle Sat 24-Oct-09 08:11:50

You will be a better parent without him You wont be angry and stressed and resentfl, and I'm guessing your children will be better too
I have been there and life is better I promise!
Well done you, head up, the worst is yet to come, and then it gets better and better!

AboardtheAxiom Sat 24-Oct-09 08:22:59

Hi sshhbear I am in this situation too and am at the stage you were when you started this thread.

Your dcs are bound to play up for a short spell, but long term they will soon settle down and you will all benefit from having a happier homelife.

My advice (this is what I plan to do when I move) is just make things as easy as possible with the kids, pick your battles and be really afffectionate and give them heaps of praise. Have your dcs chosen bits and bobs for new home? I plan on doing this with DS, getting him involved in making it homely together.

Have you spoken to women's aid at all? In my area they have a support worker who will pop round to see how you are doing, and support you in any way they can from a chat to accessing play sessions, financial help or counselling, anything you need.

I think you are amazing to make the break, hopefully I will be doing the same soon. smile

Sshhbear Sat 24-Oct-09 08:43:08

Thanks for the support. I must confess, I haven't actually told the two younger children what the actual plan is because they seemed so happy to be in a new place, I didn't want to crush their spirit. I guess I will ease them into the whole thing.

On another note, should I tell the man of my woes what's going on over the phone before he comes home. I just know I'm going to be sick all day on Monday worrying about how he'll react when he walks into an empty house with no forwarding address. I don't want to wreck his holiday but also don't want him to walk into this whole thing without any warning.

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