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Moved away, old friends haven't kept in touch. WWYD?

(7 Posts)
ComtesseDeSpair Sun 11-Oct-09 02:41:05

Earlier this year I moved away from the city I'd lived in for almost ten years and where I knew a lot of people. In particular, I had a group of 6 very good friends and we all frequently socialised together. In the past seven months I've sent occasional emails to my friends, including one suggesting we could arrange a time for them to come down to see my new place, but not one of them has replied to any of them. I just don't understand what I might have done wrong that they've decided not to stay in touch with me, and I'm both mystified and beginning to feel really hurt and upset. I don't know anyone here yet and it's very lonely which probably just exacerbates the way I feel. I know that people's lives are busy and they aren't always up for writing essay-length correspondances, but it can't be a coincidence that 6 individuals haven't had a moment to spare to answer even with a couple of of lines any one of 2 - 4 emails/letters received, can it? The couple of times I tried to call two friends there was no pick-up.

I'm worried that perhaps my ex-dp got in touch with them and told me some kind of lies about me, but since they never really got on with him and two of my friends knew he was an utter arse, I can't see why they'd believe anything he said without contacting me to see if it was true. When I moved away we were all certainly on good terms, they all said they'd keep in touch.

What would you do in this situation? Part of me wants to phone and ask outright if I've offended somebody in any way or if there's just something I've missed, but if I am being shunned I'm not sure I could cope with being told this over the phone by someone. Also, if I'm just meant to assume from the silence that I'm being ignored it'd be really not getting the message to ask about it wouldn't it. Should I just accept that these friendships are over and try to move on, or press the issue by trying to find out why I haven't heard anything? This is my first Mumsnet post, btw, though I've been reading for a couple of months now just a little fearful of joining in, it all moves so fast!

aurynne Sun 11-Oct-09 02:53:48

I advice you to keep trying to contact... just imagine how awful it would be to find out, in some years' time, that there was something wrong with your e-mail account and none of the messages was actually received, and you lost all these friendships for no reason! I find it very strange that all 6 friends suddenly have made a pact to ignore you. Even if this was to be the case, you need to know for sure before moving on.

If I were you, I would make phone calls to the six of them until at least one responds. I am betting that there is no "ignore campaign" going on, but these girls have either not received your e-mails, or are very lazy e-mail writers (as myself sometimes am too).

And please do come back and tell when you know what's happened!

Best of luck!


ComtesseDeSpair Sun 11-Oct-09 03:04:30

Thanks aurynne I can send and receive email fine where other people are concerned - I used my work account one or twice which I know has no problems. Actual physical letters as well, they can't all have been lost in the post?! I guess they could just be lazy corresponders, it just seems uncharacteristic based on what I know of them (or what I thought I knew of them).

I guess there must be a completely explainable reason which doen't involve an ignore campaign but right now I just can't see what it might be!

skihorse Sun 11-Oct-09 07:13:39

hi Comtesse Actually my advice is directly against aurynne's. I would pick up the phone and call perhaps the one you view as the "weakest". Emailing is so "passive-aggressive" and it never actually tackles the problem - you're still left in limbo with no new messages.

Single out the person who you think can/will be most honest with you and then phone and ask what's going on.

As someone who's moved town and country multiple times all I can say is that it's pretty much par for the course. Which probably isn't what you wanted to hear! IMO friendships can be quite shallow or transient these days and it's all a bit "out of sight, out of mind".

My best friend moved back to her home town 8 years ago to move in with a man we'd met at uni - I don't know why, I just had a funny feeling about it and I told her I doubt she'd ever contact me again (oh how dramatic I was! wink) - she didn't - so wrapped up in her new life - and subsequent marriage and baby.

Via facebook (of all things) I've got in touch with a few people from my past and met up with them and it's been like it was 15 years ago and I'm grateful to have them back in my life and value our renewed friendships - but so many of them - perhaps there's a trace of resentment or embarassment - but I've not got so much to say to them.

I wish I'd been lucky enough to have grown up in one town and had that special "best friend" all my life - but in other ways I think we have different friends for different phases of our lives and that's not such a bad thing either.

Good luck.

hairband Sun 11-Oct-09 08:43:36

I would give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe go arrange to see them all in your old town.. and see whether they reply and if so how the meet up goes. I agree when you are the one who has moved sometimes you end up being the one who has to make more effort as everyone gets lazy.

And also do some things to try to establish new friendships in your new town - although that is easier said than done - classes are starting up as it's new term now though so might be an idea?

greenday Mon 12-Oct-09 12:09:33

HI Comtesse, I just wanted to say that I've been at both ends.

A friend in our 'coffee group' moved away and even though she lived 2 hours away, we found it hard to maintain regular contact. We would continue to ask after her amongst ourselves, like 'how's xx doing?' or 'has anyone been in touch with xx lately?' ... but none of us really did think of actually getting in contact properly. Perhaps the occasional text, but never really emails or simply picking up the phone. It was always her to make the first move. We would chide ourselves off for being so tardy with keeping in contact, but that was it. I don't know why. It wasn't intentional ... I guess life just continued the same way for us.

Also, when she invited us to her's for the weekend, all of us (again not as a group and not deliberately) would not reply her immediately. We would talk about it ourselves and check with each other if the weekend was suitable for everyone, before getting back to her. I can imagine that she must have thought too that we were ignoring her. But we weren't.

And I think, more than likely, this is the case with your friends too.

Then earlier this year, I moved abroad. And there were sooo many times, I felt so alone, and so left out of all that were happening back home. Time of email drought, I found myself wondering if I had offended anyone, re-read my emails to make sure that I didn't write anything offensive, etc. Then replies would start coming through, and I'd feel 'silly' for stressing out over it.

Now, I have a mantra .. Life gets in the way. So whenever start getting frustrated over the lack of contact, I remind myself ... life gets in the way.

BalloonSlayer Mon 12-Oct-09 12:56:15

Did you email them before you've moved away?

My email puts all messages from people whom I have never emailed straight into spam.

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