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Is my not quite 12 month marriage worth saving with a lying fool???

(17 Posts)
ShanBrod Sun 11-Oct-09 01:32:29

Im really torn on what to do as my heads saying one thing and my heart slightly the other.
I've been married not quite 12 months but been with husband 10years and have 2DC. To give a rough rundown I have a very unhealthy relationship with my IL's that think im the evil DIL and have no problem letting me know but telling DH the opposite and a husband that went behind my back numourous times to keep the peace with them and i feel not back my corner hence contributing to IL's "he even thinks so about you" attitude and insults towards me(if you want to see past history check my profile as there is alot more but would be here all day wink).

Anyway during this week I discovered for the 4-5th time my husband has been keeping a secret bank account and am so used to it I wasn't even upset but just feeling he doesn't trust me enough. In the past he has had credit cards addressed to other addressed so i won't find out and we he even had to borrow money from his brother and pay it back because the interest was a killer.He has lied about his work pay and "forgot" to bring home his payslip in the past and numerous other lies. My MIL during arguements/digs has always thrown in my face that DH hides money because he doesn't trust me and i take all his money leaving him with nothing,at first i just ignored her but now i actually feel shes rightsad.

I don't know what to do im beyond upset and am now just feeling cold and angry towards him which i can only put down to his lying all the time that i have slowly turned off my feelings since my wedding disaster.
He says the account was to buy me a anniversary present but he spent the money as we were broke so closed the account 2 weeks ago..... I just don't believe him and feel hes making me a fool but feel i should stay as of or short lived marriage and the aftermaths of my IL's towards me for hurting their son and ragging me to all and sundry.

SolidGhoulBrass Sun 11-Oct-09 01:45:04

This sounds hugely unhealthy. Why did you marry him? Did he promise to change/stand up to his family?

ShanBrod Sun 11-Oct-09 02:04:29

He was(or so i thought) a changed person as i had not had any reason not to trust him from the last episode which was over 3 years ago.He did make some huge changes regarding money and things had been great until i got married,my IL's and him starting to keep secrets from me again.

Im more upset that I've been made a fool AGAIN and am worried our house is going to get repossesed one day in the future because hes racked up some huge debt behind my back or something.I was planning to study next year and expecting to have a large pay cut of my wages due to this and having to live on a much lower income but feel i can't trust him enough to not make us live below the poverty line or me working & Studying fulltime to support his secrets habbit.

I know i can survive financially without him as im good at budgeting its just im not sure if i should salvage things when im sitting here on edge waiting for the next secret or him taking me down the drain financially with him if there is a next time.
I think this is a know no different case with him as both his parents are secretive with money and his dad likes a punt on the horses nearly daily.

ShanBrod Tue 13-Oct-09 06:50:23


Please some advice my wedding anniversary is tomorrow and im tempted to throw my rings at him,I've hardly spoken in 4 days im so angry.

Knickers0nMaHead Tue 13-Oct-09 07:05:22

I think that if you cannot trust then you should end it in all honesty. He,s done it before and said he would change, but hasnt. I would get out before you have your house taken off you.

totallyawesome Tue 13-Oct-09 07:08:12

I'm with Knickers. Get out while there's still something to get out with.

diddl Tue 13-Oct-09 08:07:15

Gosh, easier said than done,but leave!

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 13-Oct-09 08:15:42

Message withdrawn

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 13-Oct-09 09:40:07

Is the problem here gambling? That's the impression I'm getting, that his financial dishonesty is due to an addiction of some kind. If that;s so, you do need to get out before you go down with him. It is not possible to sustain a relationship with an active addict indefinitely, and you need to get yoru finances clear of his as soon as possible.

starwhoreswonaprize Tue 13-Oct-09 09:43:20

I'm with SGB.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Tue 13-Oct-09 09:51:08

I'm with everyone else here on the trust thing. "Unhealthy" is not the most helpful word, as we all have bits of our relationships that don't work well, none of us are perfect partners. But knowing what is acceptable crap and what is not is important, and being lied to in the way that you have been is not.

Do you want to go, or were you hoping to be told by everyone that you should stay? It is easier said than done, but how close are you to actually being able to walk? (or rather, chuck him out) Sounds like you're really angry.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Tue 13-Oct-09 09:52:28

your ILs sound a fucking nightmare, by the way. Now I'm using the word, but sounds like an "unhealthy" family!

Lemonylemon Tue 13-Oct-09 10:09:06

Can't you run a credit check on yourself? That way you can see loans that he has applied for/taken out as it will be linked to your address?

ShanBrod Tue 13-Oct-09 10:24:08

Yes my IL are a Fricken nightmare they give me hell and this is another reason why i think i want out of the marriage....weak i knowblush

I do love DH and every other part of our relationships had been great besides this issue that crops up every few years regarding money and secret accounts.
Whoever said about the gambling yes this is actually the cause but its not that hes spending huge ammount like he used to(that i can see) pre DC its more that since the DC came along he still wants to have a bet most weeks which i don't have a problem with as we can afford him to but as long as he doesn't leave himself broke or HIDE money from me.He sticks to a reasonable ammount but if he wins i think he hides it in his accounts for the next time.

Im more thinking along the lines of this is now the 4th time I've caught him out(thankfully nothing financially major YET) him promising to never hide money and yet he keeps doing it so obviously doesn't trust me enough,His parents are sly,sneeky & hate me and im sitting her wonder why the feck im putting myself through this torture as im not happy with my life and have been on a downwards spiral for the last 12 months.
Oh i don't know.......

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Tue 13-Oct-09 11:57:02


ShanBrod Sat 17-Oct-09 09:05:09

Im off to a relatives house for a while to clear my head and see if he actually gives a shit that our marriage is about to end.Hes not said anything on the subject since i confronted him and all he keeps saying is "you do what you need to do" which to me seems he really couldn't give a toss on confronting his problems and is waiting for me to leave to blame me.

LongtimeinBrussels Sat 17-Oct-09 09:18:51


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