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How do I deal with DH's drunken temper?

(71 Posts)
BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 21:54:47

DH and I have been together for almost 4 years. He's always been a bit volatile when he's been very drunk, which doesn't happen very often. But recently it just seems to be a bit worse.

When he's had any more than about four pints he becomes very sensitive to any form of argument or criticism from me, so that it ends in him shouting at me on the way home, which is very embarrassing and a bit unsettling. By argument I mean any form of disagreement at all, really minor stuff. He blows it up so that it's impossible to discuss it and I'm just left with him yelling.

This happened last week and he got himself so angry (about what, even he couldn't explain) that he slept on the couch for the first time ever. I felt stunned and cold inside and have not really felt the same since, it's been on my mind.

Tonight we went out for the first time since. All fine, he probably had about five pints which is about the most he ever has in one night. On the way home we agreed he would feed the cats while I put the dinner in the oven. When we came in he squirted some fresh food on top of the old food in the cats' bowls and walked off. We always wash all the food and water bowls twice a day. I said if he didn't want to feed them he should have asked me to do it. I picked up the water bowls to wash them and he stormed back in, started shouting at me about how I was always second-guessing him, slammed the kitchen door shut terrifying me, the cats and the neighbours and shut himself in to the living room. He then came back and did the same again.

I went through to the living room to tell him if he was doing this he would be sitting on his own tonight and may be sitting on his own for more than that, and he told me to fuck off. I honestly have not done anything more than said that tipping new food onto old did not count as seeing to the cats.

I have now shut myself into the bedroom with the computer, Saturday night ruined. I don't know what to do. Is this normal after a couple of pints - should I just work on getting him to stop after two drinks or is this his real self coming through? I have never considered being without him but this behaviour repels me. This shouting and slanging is just not me and not what I am willing to put up with. His family all drink excessively and have soap opera-style dramas but he was never like that, until now.

BTW we have no DC, we were are TTC. And normally I love him and want nothing more than to have a family with him. This is really really crap.

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:07:10

This sounds really pathetic reading it back, a tiff over feeding the cats. But he was so full of rage, just not the man he is normally. Nobody would recognise him.

picmaestress Sat 10-Oct-09 22:12:58

I had a problem with getting cross with my exDH when I got pissed. It was a sort of white wine rage, and it was really bizarre and out of character. I was awful, I'd just go nuts at him about something really tiny.

He just sat me down one afternoon and told me I was being an arse, and that he didn't want to go out with me if I was going to drink. I think he did this a few times actually, I really didn't take it seriously at first. He would also react every time he saw me ask for white wine, which emphasized how horrible it was for him.

We've split up now (not because of this, I did stop pretty quickly), but I am still mortified at what an arsehole I was being. I honestly didn't think it was a problem, but it was. It needed to be pointed out to me really forcefully, and when sober. It was a really weird moment in my life, when I suddenly twigged that I was in the wrong, and that I needed to change, a lot. (Interestingly, my mum had history of drinking lots of white wine and going fecking nuts too)

You have to tell him tomorrow, and if necessary, film it or record it on your phone, so he believes how horrible it is. There's no point in trying to tackle him when he's pissed and cross.

I hope he listens. You could try telling him this, not sure if it would help?

GypsyMoth Sat 10-Oct-09 22:13:39

read that post back but add a newborn to the equation!! would you?

Tortington Sat 10-Oct-09 22:15:37

its all v immature

although not excusable in the slightest - i do wonder - if you know the triggers - why you participate

all sounds very eastenderish

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:25:35

Well hopefully he would not be going out on the piss if we had a baby, I wouldn't accept him doing that. We were out together and I wouldn't be drinking if we had young DC. He is actually responsible normally or I would never have married him. It's like he wanted the easy option for the cats and hates me for pointing out that that wasn't ok. I was happy, well annoyed but accepting, about just doing it myself if he wasn't going to but he went in a rage about me interfering. It does worry me but I just don't know if I'm overreacting.

The thing is picmaestress last time he did it I didn't even need to tell him the next day, he knew he had been an arse and apologised. But he did it again! I have texted him (sad I know, I am in the same flat) saying I will not accept him behaving like that, but no response. Well there goes our nice Saturday night watching DVDS, what a tosspot he has been.

Even better, tomorrow we were supposed to be having a nice quiet day together as it would have been my due date if I hadn't miscarried in Feb. But I don't even want to be in the same room as him.

SlartyBartFast Sat 10-Oct-09 22:27:45

he had too much to drink, 5 pints is a lot. he made a mistake.
did you drink too much as well?

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:29:04

By participate do you mean go out with him? Well it's not really Eastenderish to go out for a drink with your DH on a Saturday, I do believe quite a few people do it.

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:32:47

No I had less to drink than him and was not feeling argumentative. But I do like to see the cats looked after properly, so I didn't behave any differently about that than I would have with no drink at all.

It's like he could have an argument with a brick wall when he's like that, I can sit in silence and he goes on and on about what he perceives I did to him.

SlartyBartFast Sat 10-Oct-09 22:33:31

sorry, i can offer no advice at all.

SlartyBartFast Sat 10-Oct-09 22:34:05

perhaps he is upset about miscarriage too?

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:35:31

Ok SlartyBartFast smile

Tortington Sat 10-Oct-09 22:36:00

no i dont mean go out for a drink.

hes a twat when drunk. this you know. he is drunk and you start about cat food.

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:39:51

Maybe. We have been TTC again for the last 4 months with no luck yet so maybe he's not been open about how our non-pregnancy is affecting him. I hope it is just that and not some huge character defect that's taken this long to come out.

We have not been drinking much because of TTC so maybe he's more affected by it now. Clutching at straws...

mrsboogie Sat 10-Oct-09 22:40:16

"Well hopefully he would not be going out on the piss if we had a baby"

yeh..you hope.hmm

What you are experiencing is something called "The Wanker Within" That's him you're seeing - just another side to him. You need to decide whether you wish to spend your life waiting for the Wanker Within to appear.

he is actually a good guy really - he is showing you what kind of person you are planning to have a baby with. Some of them pretend to be decent human beings until right after you get pregnant or married or otherwise trapped.

I absolutely 100% guarantee you that if your future self 5 years from now could reply to this post she would be screaming RUN AWAY NOW!!

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 10-Oct-09 22:40:59

Rage. Over nothing. And it's been getting worse. Any reason this shouldn't keep going downhill?

SlartyBartFast may well have a point there about his reaction to the miscarriage. Is this really a good time to be TTC, or would it be best delayed to deal with this rage first?

GhoulishFan Sat 10-Oct-09 22:41:21

would not washing the cat bowl for one night really hurt? Must admit, my cat's bowl gets washed once or twice a week, not a day!

mrsboogie Sat 10-Oct-09 22:43:14

that's not the point though, its his reaction to it that's the problem.

picmaestress Sat 10-Oct-09 22:44:13

Oh, ignore him tonight, there's no point in trying to communicate if he's got the pip.

Tell him he was a tosser tomorrow and to pack it in. Sounds like whatever he was drinking doesn't suit him. Was it Stella, by any chance? hmm

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:45:11

Well I didn't go on at him, just said what about washing the bowls, we always wash them, then when he didn't do it I did it after he'd left the room. He seemed to think I should defer to his judgement and leave them to it. I know it sounds stupid but it did result in him slamming doors and telling me to fuck off.

Only other thing would be to bite tongue entirely but that's not a great way to live I don't think, I shouldn't be scared of saying something like that to him.

But maybe he did feel got at in some way that was exacerbated by him being drunk. If I had said nothing no doubt he would have been fine. But should I have had to keep schtum to avoid him going off on one, that's what I don't know.

Tortington Sat 10-Oct-09 22:46:18

his reaction is totally the problem - he has the problem and is a twat when drunk.

like the last poster said - why bother with a drunk man you know to get the arse when drunk

all i am saying is that he's a twat - but you were aft to engage him in his twatty state too.

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:46:43

Ha, wife beater, no. It was quite strong lager though. Expensive imported stuff, obviously the middle classes can take it, yeah right.

colditz Sat 10-Oct-09 22:48:27

He will not stop dinking entirely when you have a baby. If anything, the stress of having a tinybaby will encourage him to drink more when he does drink.

You are an adult, you can take the rages.

Would you sit a 2 year old down with him while he behaves like that?

Because at some point,, he will get drunk and your child will be asleep upstairs. He will slam something and the child will wake up. Child will come to see what is happening and will be met with a drunk and abusive father.

Nice.

picmaestress Sat 10-Oct-09 22:50:27

Strong expensive lager is the devil's own brew. Used to turn my ex into a drooling fighty mess. Tell him to stick to Carling...

BitUpset Sat 10-Oct-09 22:50:54

Oh god. I really don't think he's like that. Am terrified now. He's not an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure of that, I think he just gets worked up when he has more than he's used to. A lot of people get loud when they have too much and it doesn't make them bad people does it?

shit.

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