Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

punishment for cheating husband-skimmy the trainee

(22 Posts)
vintagequeen Sat 10-Oct-09 21:38:52

Please help me find a punishment for my cheating h who has been having an affair with his trainee, he says it was just a fantasy emotional affair which i don't believe, i should have kicked him out when i saw the first texts- his bags went as far as where the bin men collect the trash.
He has asked me to forgive him and he has lied four times i am fuming during the course of one year. I want him out as i have had to speak to the skimming cow who assured me the first time that it was just a deep friendship and when they carried on with intense sexual texts i knew she was out to get my man.
I feel that everytime he became remorseful he rewarded himself with a holiday until i realised the pattern now i have told him i will only have him back if he goes away for two weeks and he says thats HARSH- ANY suggestions plse.

Doha Sat 10-Oct-09 21:53:18

Eh sorry don't understand the whole post

He lies and goes on holiday--he lies again and has been awarded with a 2 week holiday this time.
So next time does he get a months carribean cruise????

Once a cheat....bin the twat

Monsterspam Sat 10-Oct-09 22:05:48


Explain please me dear

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sat 10-Oct-09 22:12:50

Here's a suggestion - dump the twat. Then live your life as happily and fully as you are able. Best revenge in the world.

vintagequeen Sat 10-Oct-09 22:28:42

Damn you ladies are right but in an ideal world i have to consider my children and the fact that i am a stahm- my sister says i should live my life and let him be the donkey who goes to work.

mrsboogie Sat 10-Oct-09 22:30:33

err ..what???

jasper Sat 10-Oct-09 22:33:17

If you want to resume a relationship with him you had better forget about punishment and work on forgiveness.

If you can't do that, time to move on

facebookaddict Sat 10-Oct-09 22:35:15

Get out get out get out. Ignoring the STAHM issue (which is problematic but not desperate) the main thing is that this situation is poision and you owe it to your children NOT to bring them up in a household where parents keep big secrets and love-hate-love-hate-love-hate all the time. You wouldn't want it for them so why put up with it for you.... (and they will end up doing the same if you do!).
You deserve better, don't lower yourself or you'll lose respect and will miss out on the next person who won't do this to you.

Heated Sat 10-Oct-09 22:38:21

Punishing him? He's not a child or even a pet. Nor would it be good for your children - who you are thinking of - to witness it.

Either work on reconciling or if you know that's impossible then either bin him or work work out a civilised arrangement.

ronshar Sat 10-Oct-09 22:40:28

You are being a doormat of the highest order.
So he cheats, you take him back, he cheats, you take him back.
Your rational for this ridiculous behaviour is because you dont have a job!!!!
Where is your self respect lady?
Have you never heard of maintainence?

Sorry to seem harsh but really you need to pull yourself together.
What kind of lesson are you teaching your children? That it is ok for a man to treat a woman like crap because he is paying for her?

Tortington Sat 10-Oct-09 22:40:49

you need an exit strategy. the worst thing to do is to have a huge row and declare it's all over

see a solicitor, find out where you stand legally and financially

look into benefit entitlements.

think about what happens if you sell the family home

or if you have a joint tenancy.

work out how much all the household bills are

if you know - great - if you don't, then find out.

Ivykaty44 Sat 10-Oct-09 22:44:13

Punishment - get rid and get on with your life and live it to the full - that is dignified punishment smile

vintagequeen Sat 10-Oct-09 23:28:37

oh custy i remember u always give great advice, and thank you ladies i hear you, but its not easy what i need is an exit and i have to do it gradually and believe u me i will- but for the mean time i need to do some form of punishment.
For now self respect or pride will do nothing for my children end off.
i dont have parents who can help so this dumb ass h of mine seems to know that.

mathanxiety Sun 11-Oct-09 03:39:31

He does know he has the power, so he is humiliating you with this inequality on top of the cheating. How about separate bedrooms while you get your act together? And no more services like laundry or meals either. Have him buy or cook his own. You will need to get your ducks in order pretty fast because he will find the trainee is more than happy to play house with him when he finds the lack of domestic comfort irksome. In other words, either take the bull by the horns and go through with what he knows he deserves, or work on your forgiveness skills and expect more of the same from him.

differentnameforthis Sun 11-Oct-09 03:57:27

punishment - D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

starwhoreswonaprize Sun 11-Oct-09 06:40:54

Is this for real?
He cheats and, when he should be remorseful he lies, I can't believe anyone would write this down and not see how stupid they are.

EcoMouse Sun 11-Oct-09 10:09:40

Starwhores, I find your response more 'stupid' to be honest! Not to mention ignorant, judgemental, blasé, offensive and unecessary. Rather than 'stupid' the OP seems to me, hurt, confused, manupulated and abused. Your lack of compassion is outrageous.

OP, leave him in the manner which custardo described and while you are preparing the financial practicalities, rather than sending him off on another holiday, set him to perfecting your home.

DIY/ loft & tip runs/ repairs/ maintenance/ decorating/ shop runs to fill fridge, freezer and cupboards. All these things can become difficult to manage when a single parent at home with children. He will think you are punishing him in demanding that he sees to all of the above.

When you do kick him out, your finances and home will be in order. It will all serve to irk him no end too.

My heartfelt advice, however, would be to dig thoughts of revenge from your mind. I think obsessing over these thoughts is having a negative impact and clouding your thought processes as to the best way forward for you and your children. This is not healthy for you and you really need to prioritise your emotional health, no one else will.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sun 11-Oct-09 10:49:04

Have you not read some of the other posts we've had recently where other wives have wanted to leave/kick them out, but for one reason or another, money, fear, depression, have been unable to do so? They were beyond miserable, some of them felt utterly trapped and beyond all help. The DC suffered too.

We ALL appreciate you are angry, hurt and confused. Of course you want to hurt him back, but it'll eat you up at a time where you need to be most calm and most rational to plan the future.

OK let's assume so it IS over. Take a moment and work out what needs doing first, are you going to get him to leave.. Would he go? There have been posts here where she has asked him to go, and he refuses, her a SAHM so feeling powerless and trapped.

If he won't leave, you are going to have to sort out a place to live first, rented in the short term. Save up a deposit, look at areas, schools etc and see what's what.

Remember revenge is a dish best served cold, and if your revenge is the ability to walk away from him without looking back, then that'll hit him straight between the eyes.

Keep calm. Above all Keep calm. Otherwise you may make costly mistakes, both financial and emotional.

Keep posting, we'll do our best to help you, anytime you need it.

EcoMouse Sun 11-Oct-09 11:02:03

6feet, if they're married homeowners then she has the right to stay in the marital home along with the DC, even if the house/mortgage are in his name.

She has more 'power' in this sense than someone in a commonlaw relationship and does have the right to change the locks and prevent his access if the relationship has ended.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sun 11-Oct-09 11:26:29

Oh sure, I stated that if she can't kick HIM out, i.e he won't leave, then she needs to think about removing herself.

In that case have a caution put on the deeds, to protect proceeds in future sale. But staying in an environment like that is damaging.

VirginiaLoveGlove Sun 11-Oct-09 11:39:03

do you know with whom he is treating himself to a holiday?

you better start thinking of an exit strategy now if you want to have one before he puts his exit strategy into action.

believe mr, you'll land hard on your ass head when or if he does so begore you do.

listen to what these ladies are telling you now.

Darkdreamer Sun 11-Oct-09 11:41:17

I agree with Custardo. I'm a stay at home mum with 3 kids, about to go through a divorce and having trouble finding a way to get out!
Get a solicitor, apply for legal aid, I'm guessing, you only get tax credits and child benefit so you will be eligible for it.

Forget punishing him, that will give him ammunition against you, should you go through a divorce and also it will not do you or your children any good! But if he makes things difficult and keeps seeing this other woman then you maybe able to get an occupation order against him. This is where the court can order him to stay away from the house for a temporary period of time, again you'd have to ask your solicitor about that!

Honestly though, I know from first hand experience, once a cheat always a cheat. And from your message he's clearly keep going to do it. Get rid of him. I know it's hard and it will get worse before it gets better. But you deserve better than a man that'll treat you like that. And kids aren't stupid they will one day work out what he does. You don't want them to think it's ok and treat they're partners the same way!! Good luck!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now