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Have you ever got back together with your DH after a trial separation? Then please talk to me. :(

(15 Posts)
BEAUTlFUL Sat 10-Oct-09 17:34:12

DH and I are on week 1 of our trial separation. His idea. I don't think he has someone else, I honestly just think he felt under-appreciated.

We are in contact about kids, and it's all amicable... until we spend long enough together to start bickering.

I'd like to know if anyone here ever had a trial separation from their DH and it brought them back together? How long did it take? What did you do differently - did you go on dates again, change your hairstyle (I dunno!), see other people...?

I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions right now, but I would like to know that it is possible for these separations to reunite couples, and for it not neccessarily to just be the Beginning of the End.

Thanks xxx

juicychops Sat 10-Oct-09 18:39:29

hi BEAUTIFUL me and my dp of nearly 4 years are on day 5 of a trial seperation/break from eachother. we dont have dcs together so we have had no contact for 5 days apart from a phone call few days ago and i text him tonight.

its made me feel extremely weird. i dont actually miss him at the moment, i just miss not getting texts and calls and being able to text him etc. i dont know what that means.

we are only goin to do this break thing until monday then he's gunna come round monday night so we can talk about it. im gunna suggest we have another week to think about what we talk about on mon night but dont know how it will go.

this week has made me realise what i do want out of this relationship and what i want to change so it all boils down to weather he is prepared to do those things or not and vice versa for me

Pikelit Sat 10-Oct-09 18:53:26

I don't want to depress anyone but I have never known anyone's trial separation end up in anything other than a permanent separation! I honestly think that, for some men (it usually is men) "trial separations" are a handy way of getting out of relationships with less grief.

alwayslookingforanswers Sat 10-Oct-09 18:54:40

mine was a permanent separation and was over a year long...we're back together now.

juicychops Sat 10-Oct-09 18:56:28

what made you split in the first place and what made you get back together?

BrigitBigKnickers Sat 10-Oct-09 19:01:32

Not me but a friend.
They had a separation and then divorced over a period of 18months. (He had been unfaithful on more than one ocassion although she didn't find out about this until later.) They both dated other people (he actually moved in with his new girlfriend for a while.)

A month before the decree nisi came through they secretly began dating again, then the day it was finalised they officially got back together. A year later they remarried.

BEAUTlFUL Sun 11-Oct-09 16:55:24

I think I agree with pikelit, that men use the word "trial" to avoid major fallout!

It's so hard... If I knew we'd split up, I'd be being a lot feistier and less friendly than I am. As it is, I'm still letting him pop in for coffees when he brings the kids back, etc. While that's nice, it might be confusing for the kids (? not sure), and is certainly not really a separation.

I might knock the pleasantries on the head.

juicychops: sorry to hear you're going through this too. We'd just been bickering for ages, he felt i was nagging him, i felt he was lay, etc...

BEAUTlFUL Sun 11-Oct-09 16:55:24

I think I agree with pikelit, that men use the word "trial" to avoid major fallout!

It's so hard... If I knew we'd split up, I'd be being a lot feistier and less friendly than I am. As it is, I'm still letting him pop in for coffees when he brings the kids back, etc. While that's nice, it might be confusing for the kids (? not sure), and is certainly not really a separation.

I might knock the pleasantries on the head.

juicychops: sorry to hear you're going through this too. We'd just been bickering for ages, he felt i was nagging him, i felt he was lay, etc...

bodycolder Sun 11-Oct-09 16:59:26

It does get them a breathing space to do what THEY want without all that goes with a full on break up.Clever but cruel imho sad

BetterBitOfButter Sun 11-Oct-09 17:00:33

Before we had kids but had been married 6/7 years, I left DH. I moved out. Just under a year later I moved back in. DS followed and another on the way. Very happy. Needed the break to see what we had together.

elliepac Sun 11-Oct-09 17:06:17

Hi, haven't got long because am about to put the finishing touches to dinner but i felt i should place some light at the end of your tunnel. To cut a very long story short, DH and myself have two separate period of separation. First time 4 years ago at my request because i felt i was getting no support5 from him after i went back to work after having DS (2 at the time). We got back together spent more time together etc. just enjoyed each other's company but then went back down the same slippery slope and within 2 years split up again, this time at his request. We were apart second time round for 5 months and i really thought it was the end this time. However, eventually after a lot of soul searching, we decided to try again and haven't looked back since. DD has since arraived and things have never been better. We both make a concerted effort to talk if we have a problem and always try and have one night a month away from the kids.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this but it can work. In total we have been together 14 years and it is out 9th wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. I hope it works out for you.

bluebump Sun 11-Oct-09 17:09:52

Similar to BetterBitOfButter, pre DC, although my DP had cheated. I moved out and we lasted 2 months before we started dating again and within another 4 months I was back living at our home. That was 3 years ago and it was just what we needed to put things in perspective, things have been pretty good since.

BEAUTlFUL Sun 11-Oct-09 18:31:57

Do you think couples tend to get back together after a "trial" separation if it had been the woman's idea?

Morosky Sun 11-Oct-09 18:38:41

We had a trial separation, it was my idea. We were having relationship counselling at the time and kept that going. We had a trial separation for a few weeks with us living togther but separate bedrooms and then dp moved out. After a few weeks we, or more specifically me, realised how much we loved each other and we are now planning our wedding.

fluffles Sun 11-Oct-09 18:41:06

friend of mine went to counselling during their separation and it seems to be really helping - counselling while in the same house was not helping. they need space to deal with the counselling outcomes and questions it raises.

any chance you could get counselling together?

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