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Oh dear... 2 guys... and my one heart.

(22 Posts)
Kally Sat 10-Oct-09 11:16:18

Recently posted on here about my elusive BF of 2.5 years. Who I have never visited in his home and altho very very lovely and kind and sweet and lives (according to him) very uneventful life, quite alone and 'nothing interesting going on'. I get his phone bill and posted on here about peeking into it and saw calls to Australia, etc (he's never mentioned friends in Australia, ever). He doesn't seem to live this 'boring' life from what I saw on the phone bill... but then anyones phone bill can appear that way I guess.

We fell out (in a calm way) over him not arriving when we had planned etc... and I called it off feeling that there was too much stress on my part about remaining so 'in the dark' with him and not seeing him often enough. He isn't married or with anyone (he's bought his little boy to stay over, and he's old enough to rat on him if there was someone else). I really don't think he is with anyone as he almost tried to get a job down by me etc etc.

During this time (the breakup) I met a new guy, lovely and accomodating and very interested. He's stayed over, slept on the sofa as he's from London (2 hours drive and we'd had a drink in the evening).

In amongst all this, I have a DD in her teens at home. She's very mature and a good child and I try my best to be a good role model for her.

BF Nr. 1 came down to try and patch things up. He was very upset and sad and I felt very 'swayed' and teetering on mix feelings at this point because I had already been out with the new guy. I know in my heart it would be a healthier relationship, even at this early stage.

BF Nr. 1 went back home - me having stated that I wasn't completely happy with the progress of the relationship but he still continued to call and be sweet. Said he's bought me some boots and some stuff for DD etc and would be down (this Sunday) to give them to us, either way.

I met the new guy another time and again he stayed over. He is very nice.

The comparison between the two of them is that Nr. 2 is so light and easy and I know everything about him in such a short space of time. He has invited me up to his on Tuesday, offered to pay for the ticket... baked us a cake when he came down grin. He's very warm and interactive with DD. It suddenly made me realise how normal he is and how I have accomodated Nr/1 'odd' detached behaviour. DD has often said how Nr.1 doesn't really get 'involved' with much here at home (as to which I say he is a quiet type but secretly feeling the same). I much prefer Nr/ 2's attitude and the way I feel in the relationship with him. That is in honesty.

But I feel sorry for Nr. 1. I feel as if I have plotted and schemed and built up a packet against him without him even knowing. But all in all - for 2.5 years - things have stayed the same. Him, coming to me, when it suits him really, me having no real insight into his life and yet I have been going along with it all this time because, well, I just have.

Having two men on the scene is not a good place to be. First of all I try to keep DD in the picture as to why it has come about this way, but deep down I know it isn't right. I have to finish with Nr. 1 but I haven't got the heart, altho, having kept me - I'll say - at arms length for so long, this outcome is inevitable, isn't it? How do I do it? How do I finalise it with him this Sunday when he comes bearing gifts and professing his love for me and how 'it will get better', and 'I am trying to be all you want me to be' etc etc.

Being indecisive is never good, but I still have strong feelings for him, but also deep inside I know that if he had wanted it, he would have given this two dimensional relationship a push and let it become three dimensional. But he hasn't. What to do? What to do?

They both live 2 hours away from me, at least. (in different directions)...

It is very hard to manage such a situation when you are also trying to be a good Mother (and person) and set a good example. But I've got myself into a right old mess with it.

I am 52 and should know better hmm and readily give advise to others. But I am feeling so furtive and awful about all this. Has anyone else been in this predicament?

MollieO Sat 10-Oct-09 11:22:49

Seems a bit of a no brainer to me. You have 'known' BF1 for 2.5 years but don't really know him whereas you have knownd BF2 for a matter of days and know lots. In my 20s I used to think these men of mystery were the ones to go for but now in my 40s I can't be bothered with that. Unless BF1 works for MI6 and has to keep his life secret I think you are better off with BF2.

Kally Sat 10-Oct-09 11:23:36

I know that, but how do I do it?

MollieO Sat 10-Oct-09 11:23:48

Should add that I remember your other thread. Did you ever get to the bottom of the Australia calls?

Lulumama Sat 10-Oct-09 11:25:43

I think men who mess you around, let you down, break arrangements, and lead you a merry dance, don;t change.

you have more of a chance of a viable, honest and mature relationship with man number 2

he can't just try to be what you want, if he is not what you want. he will revert to type soon enough

he might be lovely and sweet and have other good qualities, but that does not oblige you to commit to him

Kally Sat 10-Oct-09 11:25:56

No, as I broke it off and we have only seen each other that once. He is supposed to be coming down tomorrow.

Lulumama Sat 10-Oct-09 11:26:26

just call him and tell him you think things have run their course, thank him for a marvellous time, but that's that and you'd appreciate some time without any contact from him.

simples !

MollieO Sat 10-Oct-09 11:27:13

Part of me would say why bother seeing him on Sunday when you have broken up. BF1 realises there is competition but it is too late. If you stayed with him what guarantee do you have that his behaviour will improve. More likely that he will revert to type once BF2 is off the scene [cynical emoticon].

MollieO Sat 10-Oct-09 11:28:41

Weren't you also paying for his calls to Australia? If he hasn't fessed up to what that is about I really do think it is no brainer.

Lulumama Sat 10-Oct-09 11:29:47

yes, he's only upping his game now he has competition, he should have been trying harder before now.

just take a brave pill and call him before he is travelling to see you

Kally Sat 10-Oct-09 13:51:48

No, Mollie I wasn't paying for his bills, but the contract was in my name as his credit was no good.

His argument is that we have been through the bad patch (his job collapsed then he worked in a menial job for a while and had less pay) and he couldn't afford barely to live. He says now things are looking up and his job is ok, that I want to pull out. It does seem a bit hmm. But the thing is, when you have bits of uncertainties floating about and little resentments, things start to build up.

Yes it does seem as if he has upped his attentions and efforts. He knew he had lost me. He doesn't know there is another chap on the scene.

It's very hard to do this to someone.

How does a person toughen up. I do really know what I should be doing. But I feel so guilty about planning this 'kick it to the curb'. I can't hink of him like that. Perhaps I should just focus on how angry and upset he's made me in the past when he's let me down for various reasons.... and how I felt when I looked into that phone bill...

thirtysomething Sat 10-Oct-09 14:11:04

It sounds like the main feelings you have left for No. 1 are that a basis to continue the relationship?

Kally Sat 10-Oct-09 19:11:17

no... I guess it's realisation that who I thought I was madly in love with is just something I wanted it to be but never was... you know the old 'fix it' thing.

FABIsInTraining Sat 10-Oct-09 19:14:25

Call him now and say there is no point him coming down as you don't want a relationship with him and being friends won't work.

What does the other man think of you seeing the first one??

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 10-Oct-09 20:38:33

Re the old fix it thing. You need to get over that asap. It is very hard for a person to change even one aspect of their behaviour, you cannot even begin to hope to change another person's.

You cannot act as someone's rescuer and or saviour in a relationship; neither approach is successful.

Number 1 man is not right for you and never has been, there are far too many unanswered questions re his life and he's always kept you at bay.

mrsboogie Sat 10-Oct-09 20:44:35

Ohhh bfno2 sounds lovely - baked a cake? grab him before someone else does.

BF2 nah - its gone nowhere and it will go nowhere.

don't risk losing the healthy one for the dodgy one. tell Mr dodgy its over and be done with it woman!!

mrsboogie Sat 10-Oct-09 20:45:54

I mean bfno1 is going nowhere

/may possibly have had some wine ...

ScaryFucker Sun 11-Oct-09 19:36:50

Kally, I remember your old threads very well, I posted lots I think

I cheered a big ole cheer when you finished it with no.1

he was very strange, of no support to you, and I feel there were so many unexplained circumstances and no real connection there

no.2 may not work out either, but I feel to give no.1 another chance would be a huge mistake

you feel sorry for him, absolutely no basis for a sexual/romantic relationship

edge him back out pronto and stick with no.2. I have a feeling that will suit you better

and if not, do you really want to repeat history with saddo no.1 ??

because that is how I (and, I think, you) think of him really

moondog Sun 11-Oct-09 22:35:47

No. 2 sounds delightful.
Unlike No. 1 who has had plenty of chances. You would be mad to let No. 2 go.

motherlovebone Sun 11-Oct-09 22:39:15

another vote for no.2

BiteOfFun Sun 11-Oct-09 22:39:46

That's unanimous then...

call number 1. say you have changed your mind and dont want to meet again.

or tell him you had plans before you forgot about.

then just ignore his contact.

you have already broke up..... so it's not like your doing a disappearing act and ending it in chicken manner.

your just cutting contact as happens whith most relationships. you dump/get dumped. contact dwindles... then stops when one of the 2 people meets someone new.

just what happens. <shrugs>

there are the odd one who you stay friends with... but this weirdo man is not one.

secret lives are hmm

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