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One for the men of Mumsnet

(108 Posts)
MrsJellyby Fri 09-Oct-09 22:45:56

Ok, imagine this: you're a man. You've been married for 15 years, you have 3 children under the age of 15. You've been in love with another woman for 8 years. She's the love of your life. She loves you too, passionately. But she marries someone else because she's afraid you'll never leave your family. You stay friends because you can't bear to not have some contact with her. But her marriage doesn't work out, for other reasons. She gets divorced. You realise she's free again. It's like a freakish twist of fate. You want nothing more than to be with her. But you know that if you leave your DW to be with her then your children will hate you. What do you do?

JeminTheDungeon Fri 09-Oct-09 22:48:54

Why do you want us to play the 'lets imagine' game please?

LynetteScavo Fri 09-Oct-09 22:49:20

Ignor the other woman, and get on with my life.

My kids are worth more to me than anything.

i've tried really hard to imagine I'm a man....I'm not doing very well, am I?

A man would risk it, unless he couldn't afford to pay maintanence and still support himself.

Ewe Fri 09-Oct-09 22:51:02

Just asked the man...

He would leave the family, you can't predict the way children will react and he thinks that you can't have a happy marriage when you love someone else - it's living a lie. So he would leave, however he does also say that he would have left 8 years ago.

MrsJellyby Fri 09-Oct-09 22:52:45

Thanks. Sorry about the "let's imagine", I'm not trying to be annoying. I am the OW and I don't know what he'll do. I love him absolutely. But I know I could never leave my own child. That's why I wondered how men would see it.

Tortington Fri 09-Oct-09 22:53:01

a man would risk it - love sex on tap - cynical maybe - and i realise that its not all that makes up a man - but still.

would his children ahte him?

a father figure is so important - i think that women recognise the value and imporance and influence of 'mother' but ;father' is as important.

i dont think his children would hate him dependin on how it was actuated

LynetteScavo Fri 09-Oct-09 22:54:03

Mr Scavo says he would stay with Wife and DC's because OW would want a child, get old and ugly, and he would be left in the same position he is in now.

Cheers, DH. hmm

Ewe Fri 09-Oct-09 22:54:18

Why hasn't he left before now?

LynetteScavo Fri 09-Oct-09 22:55:12

X-posted, sorry.

JeminTheDungeon Fri 09-Oct-09 22:55:24

Sorry MrsJelly- I sounded a bit rude...I understand now smile.

TequilaMockinBird Fri 09-Oct-09 22:55:43

What LynetteScavo said

HeBewitcheditude Fri 09-Oct-09 22:56:07

You stay with your wife because the only reason she's so attractive and the love of your life is because you don't live with her and put the bins out regularly and have to go to Sainsbury's with her on saturdays.

Once you've lived with her for a year and done normal stuff with her, she won't looks so great and you'll be pissed off that you've pissed your children off the rest of your life and smashed your marriage up for no good reason. And anyway, if this woman was the love of your life, you would never have let her marry someone else, you would have left your wife and children 8 years ago and made damn sure she didn't marry someone else.

She's not the love of his life. She's a self-indulgent fantasy.

TequilaMockinBird Fri 09-Oct-09 22:56:34

Lynette's first post obviously grin

MrsJellyby Fri 09-Oct-09 22:57:50

He came close to leaving some years ago. I lost my nerve, couldn't bear to think of the fallout, wasn't sure if I could handle the mess, felt morally repelled by the idea of wrecking someone's family. I panicked, basically. So I met someone else, married them, and tried to put him out of my mind.

LynetteScavo Fri 09-Oct-09 22:58:35

So, I'm "imagining" OW has a child. Is that right?

Men like to have their cake and eat it. If he can keep having illicit sex, and his wife and children, he will go for that option.

How does he feel about your child?

HeBewitcheditude Fri 09-Oct-09 22:59:43

Oh it's you.

Is anyone on this thread a man?

HeBewitcheditude Fri 09-Oct-09 22:59:59

Are there any MEN in the house?


50ftQueenie Fri 09-Oct-09 23:01:25

Mr 50ft says he'd stay with the wife because he couldn't leave his children. He would value the love of his children over the love of the other woman. He says that if you love someone enough to have three children with them, then you bloody well make it work and that the other woman is just a fantasy.

ABetaDad Fri 09-Oct-09 23:01:41

MrsJellyby - I am imagining I am a man and also that you must be one of these women. Am I right?

The man did not leave his wife before when the other woman was free and there is no evidence he will do so now the other woman is free again.

Northernlurker Fri 09-Oct-09 23:02:35

dh says the man shuld try to resist all selfish urges and recognise that the other woman is not the answer to everything. It's a fantasy. He also said the man was a total moose.

LynetteScavo Fri 09-Oct-09 23:03:18

Don't tell me, MrsJellyby...this man is the father of your child...not your exDH.

Are you writing a book? hmm

ABetaDad Fri 09-Oct-09 23:03:27

Apologies. I see you are the OW from another post. What I said still stands though.

MrsJellyby Fri 09-Oct-09 23:03:28

Yes I have a child, a young child. He has no problem with that at all. He has only met her once, my choice, and held her with the most amazing tenderness. He says he would like to have a child with me.

StirlingNeedsAHoliday Fri 09-Oct-09 23:04:36

You can never predict the way kids will react - I know someone whose husband had an affair, got ow pregnant so left wife and kids but older boy (approx aged 10) never spoke to dad again.

And yet you hear of other stories where everyone just gets on fine!

LynetteScavo Fri 09-Oct-09 23:04:50 are imagining you are a I'm really confused!

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