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Would you still be together if it weren't for the children?

(13 Posts)
lucyflawless Fri 09-Oct-09 22:26:33


I've been thinking this alot ATM. My DH is one of the 'good guys', he has commited no crime, and is a brilliant father and general all round nice human being.

We are expecting our second child soon, and I'm wondering whether this is more homonal than rational, but...

We sleep seperately due to the pregnancy. Haven't had sex in months. I see him for about 30 mins in the morning before I take DD out or go to work (depending on what day it is). Then I don't really see him until the following day as he works late (and I'm in bed when he comes home). We talk on the phone a couple of time a day, and we have one weekend day together.

The day at the weekend usually ends up being more trouble that it's worth as DD seems to behave worse when we're together (20m). He looks after her one day during the week when I work, so he knows what he's doing.

Last night I got really cross as he got home slightly early and just wanted to watch TV; I wanted an adult conversation. I just stalked off to bed, but he did apologise.

I haven't spoken to him today and I won't see him until tomorrow morning. I had a lovely day with DD but found myself daydreaming about what life would be like if we split up. I can't believe I'm even writing it, but I spend 5 nights a week by myself and I think I'm bored, confused about my feelings towards him and frightened about the future.

I think we should make more of an effort to do stuff when we are togther (but money is tight). It feels like we're drifting apart.

We did go to relate a while back, which was OK.

Anyway, there it is - any thoughts?

lucyflawless Fri 09-Oct-09 22:27:52

Sorry - just realised name change suggesting I think I'm flawless. I do not - stupid choice.

mrsboogie Fri 09-Oct-09 22:41:45

you said it yourself - make more of an effort!

superfrenchie1 Fri 09-Oct-09 22:44:56

have you suggested doing more stuff together?

how did he feel about going to relate? does he also feel the same?

do you love him?

OrmIrian Fri 09-Oct-09 22:46:06

Yes we would.

And probably in a calmer state of mind grin

StirlingNeedsAHoliday Fri 09-Oct-09 23:21:12

If we had no dc I probably wouldn't have seen my h since last Feb at least (because of the twattish things he did and said) so, in answer to op, we would not be together if it wasn't for dc!!

StirlingNeedsAHoliday Fri 09-Oct-09 23:22:53

You say you would do more stuff together but money is tight but you do not have to spend money - just go for walks/take dc to park/find (free) museums to wander around.

If there is a will, there is a way smile

lilacclaire Fri 09-Oct-09 23:30:31

Hard to say, don't know how much of our problems/tierdness/lack of time together come from the stress and responsibility that comes with having children, ie extra working, extra housework etc.
We did used to have a great time together, but now we're just so knackered and crabby, we probably wouldn't make the effort to stay together at the moment if it wasn't for the kids (at least thats how I feel).
Dp also likes to slump in front of the tv and not talk for a couple of hours when he comes in, I of course am desperate for adult conversation by the time he gets in and get so pissed off that by the time he wants to talk, im in a bad mood (because he didnt want to talk) and ignore him anyway .
I think he's either oblivious or just doesn't care!

Tortington Fri 09-Oct-09 23:35:32

no. but i think thats a complte misnoma/ you try harder when you have children.

don;t have anymore! not for a while anyway.

i have never slept in a sperate bed from dh - a;though i d think think that when dd leaves home in a few yers i might relish the though if a bedrooom of my own that is decorated to my taste etc etc.

the point is young children are bloody hard work

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne Fri 09-Oct-09 23:38:01

Our relationship would be much stronger if we didn't have children yet.

Me and DP slept separately for about a year, almost broke us. Since we've been back in the same bed all has been much better.

I know it's hard, but make the time. It's your pregnancy hormones doing the survival thinger. x x

lucyflawless Sat 10-Oct-09 14:20:58

Thanks everyone. I feel much better today with a clearer head. (Also I found chocs and a card when I got up this morning blush)

I think I overanalyse everything and compare our situation with what I think everyone else is doing/thinking.

A good dose of common sense (and MN) has made mea realise we're OK. Life is just no picnic.

Jamieandhismagictorch Sat 10-Oct-09 19:00:56

Glad you are feeling better.

You are in (IME) most wearing part of bringing up your children., and I have had times when I have felt like you.

It will get better as they get older, but you do have to constantly be mindful of the fact that this relationship is the one you both chose, and you will need to be working together as a team to get you through. I think the early bit is harder because a lot of your emotional energy is bound up with the DCs, and you need solid support behind you so your emotional reserves are filled up.

Meanwhile, men can feel a bit neglected. Spending time with each other, him taking a responsibility for childcare and for domestic tasks, and Sex are all very important in seeing you through this bit.

lucyflawless Sat 10-Oct-09 22:14:14

Thank-you. It's been a good day today and I can see I'm at fault too.

Sometimes life can feel so 'stoical' minding money and setting a good example, being sensible.... However next weekend we have a babysitter so we can spend the day and night together. Should be good fun. I

'm definitely my own worst enemy for 'nit-picking'. In the card he did write how much he appreciates me and what I do for our daughter etc, all the things I felt resentful about. Just by that acknowledgement I feel better.

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