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What should I tell the kids?(7 Posts)
I have spent the last five years trying to decide whether to make the break from my partner of 7 years. We have 2 beautiful children together (4 and 2) who both love their dad very much. They are a big part of the reason why I have stayed. The other reason I have stuck it out is because I couldn't afford to move out (and the one time I tried, he wouldn't let me go) and he has refused to move out of 'my' house. The reasons I'm trying to get out is because despite being a healthy, fit 43 yr old, he has no commitment when it comes to work and has never contributed financially. Not so bad if he was prepared to look after kids and house but unfortunately, he doesn't really do anything. Also, we had an incident a few months ago where he had the opportunity to cheat and while it didn't happen, he did everything he could to make it happen. Many other reasons but I won't go into them.
I am being very dishonest and I'm going to move out while he is away. This is because he won't listen at all and last time I told him I was going, he was able to convince me to stay - wouldn't let the removalist in, wouldn't let me take the kids, he was going to become a better person etc.
Anyway, I have secured a lease in a house nearby and am making the move while he's away. I know how to explain it to my 10 year old, can probably manage my 2 year old but have no idea what to say to my 4 year old who adores his dad. His dad and I don't hate each other but it's never going to work between us and we want different things out of life.
If anyone has any ideas how to paint this in a positive light to my son, I would love your opinion.
" we both love you but we cannot live together right now. you will see daddy on xxdays at his house [specify where/when] ..."
"you will have two homes now and you can have toys at each house. xxx toy favourite toy can come with you to and from each house [if that is important to him] "
have you thought how, when and where they will see dad?
if they know when they will see him and your P is able to deal with it emotionally, then it could be relatively smooth - depends how your P reacts tho doesnt it?
I would imagine my P is going to freak. I feel bad doing this to him but don't think I have any choice. I've been trying to get out of this for so long and I can't see any other way.
I'm thinking that I won't be able to tell him where I am for a few days to give him time to cool down. I know how I would feel walking into an empty house with my P and kids gone after a short holiday. He will be beside himself.
I am happy for him to have the kids on a regular basis but don't know how we'll set the arrangements amidst the anger etc that will be fully flowing.
I like the words you have suggested. I don't know how he'll react to all of this. He is a daddy's boy but I can provide a much more stable environment for him and could never separate him from his mum and his siblings.
Thanks for the tips
what does "going to freak" mean? will he be violent?
if you dont hate each other then why would you not tell him where you are?
my exP was phsyically agressive - so my plans to leave on xx date got advanced when he kicked me then smashed things up - as he had inklings i was planning to leave. i left that day with dcs to my aunt then moved the next day...
if you are worried about violence and your personal safety then that is a specific situation.
i wish i had thought more about where when and how he would see kids - and written all that out - it all got very messy and unclear.
so i think you should think about that and write it all down for him when you go in your "dear jon" letter.
eg will you let him see kids in your new place or only at his?
has he been picking them up from school - would that continue?
thing is if they going to be going to school he will know where they are right? and where to find you?
you need to think logically about this - if he cant find you at home and doesnt know where you are he would go to school right? and he has PR doesnt he, so school will hand them over unless you tell school otherwise...
maybe you need to set up a mediation appointment to talk thru contact issues and financial arrangements for as soon as possible after you move.
you cant just move and disappear - unless you do have specific concerns about your personal safety. the kids will tell him where you are anyway.
if it's nearby i dont quite see how it is going to work, especiallly if they continue to go to same schools etc.
i mean school or nursery or whatever groups/places you usually go to
This doesnt really make sense. I presume he is your dp and not your dh. Who does your present house belong to, you, him or both? If it's your house in your name only and you are not married then you can legitimately get him to leave. I presume he doesnt work and you are the breadwinner. Who is going to pay for the current house you live in, is it jointly mortgaged or rented. I presume you intend to pay for your rented property but do you not have financial obligations to the current house?
Remember that, whatever the nature of the tenancy/property agreement, you can actually have him removed by the police and prohibited from returning, if he's violent.
If it's your house and he hasn't contributed financially to it, you can also have him removed by the police if he won't leave willingly, though it's a longer procedure (you have to give him notice in writing and stuff like that).
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