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So how did/does your relationship with your father affect you/your life?

(55 Posts)
Listmaker Fri 10-Jun-05 10:06:33

Following on from the thread about our relationships with our mothers (of which there have been a few) I'd like to start one about our relationship with our Dads as there seem to be fewer of them (sorry if I am repeating something though!)

My Mum and I have an almost perfect relationship but with my Dad it's been more tricky I'd say. My Mum used to say I could wrap him round my little finger if I tried but I never felt like that at all. I felt I had to be really good at school and work hard all the time to please him. He has never complimented me about the way I look or anything. He comes from the school that if you praise kids too much they become conceited and arrogant so you have to keep them grounded.

I think this made me pick men who were hard to please and I have picked some crap ones!! I'm finally out of that cycle now but it's taken til i was 40. Luckily my Mum gave me enough confidence for 2!! So after a while with the crap men I turned round and said I'm out of here and dumped them which gave them a shock!

Once I got to university he let up on me a bit because I'd achieved his main aim and things are fine between us but we don't really communicate hugely - talk about work or money but not personal things. I know he loves me and that he is the way he is and that's it.

My dds have no contact with their father and I worry how that will affect them. Anyone got any experience to share on that? I now have a lovely dp and I hope we will marry and they will get a wonderful step-father who will make it up to them a bit.

So what is/was your relationship like with your Dad and how has that affected your self-esteem/relationships etc?

almostanangel Fri 10-Jun-05 10:10:13

i absoluty adored my dad he was perfect .never raised a hand never got angry would spend hours making dolls houses little ovens etc ,,,i still look at men thinking why cant you be more like my dad.did find a bloke like him once same eyes even ,but already taken ,,,sigh..dad died a year ago on fathers day iriplaceable so i suppose you could say has made me think all men should be perfect.

Listmaker Fri 10-Jun-05 10:12:43

Yes AAA I have seen that before that friends who have had really lovely dads find it hard to find a man to match up to him - we just can't win eh?!

flamesparrow Fri 10-Jun-05 10:15:59

My dad left for another woman and her children, when I was 11, after (what I later found) was several affairs over many years.

I don't trust.

I am normally convinced that people will leave me, and get completely paranoid if I haven't heard from friends for a while that I have upset them and they aren't going to be around anymore.

Poor DH has had to put up with so much jealousy and a lack of trust (I am slowly, but surely starting to improve), and I can't believe he has stuck by me through it.

I was diagnosed with depression at 20, and they said it had been there since 15, and felt it all linked back to the shoddy relationship I had with my dad (contact became very sporadic at about 14-15).

We still aren't close, but he has finally realised how fragile our relationship is (he actually asked me to make sure he was giving me away at the wedding), and, with the help of DD giving us a focus, we are working things out.

We will never be close though - he always has, and I think I need to accept that he always will let me down.

Fio2 Fri 10-Jun-05 10:18:06

my dad is a complete arsehole and totally fucks with my head even though i havent seen him for 3 years

flamesparrow Fri 10-Jun-05 10:20:04

Short n sweet!

snafu Fri 10-Jun-05 10:20:47

My dad and I have a fabulous relationship. We're very close and I adore him. We differ on lots of things, we get on each other's nerves and wind one another up - and of course those 'difficult teenage years' really were quite difficult at times - but he's always been there for me and I respect him completely. He's a fantastic grandfather as well.

And I agree about the 'never finding a man to match up' thing, aaa. I know he's not perfect, but he's a pretty tough act to follow and no man, not one, has measured up so far.

Creepy, huh?

almostanangel Fri 10-Jun-05 10:22:04

i was very lucky

beansmum Fri 10-Jun-05 10:23:42

my dad rules. He couldn't have been a better dad really, is always there for me and has never been angry. Even through my horrible teenage years and then unexpectedly becoming a grandfather he has been sooooo supportive.

I don't know how he puts up with us really, my sister is ok, but my mum's a total nutter who is always rude to him and I'm a bit of a worry!

almostanangel Fri 10-Jun-05 10:24:52

i even think the looks thing is important which is weird,as who wants to snog there dad? but i think its the you remind me of my dad ,you will make me feel safe,

Fio2 Fri 10-Jun-05 10:26:47

you really dont want the long winded version

Listmaker Fri 10-Jun-05 10:27:16

I think my dp's dds are going to have the same problem as you Snafu. He is so wonderful with them and such a lovely man (can't believe I've bagged him for mylself actually!!) and there just aren't that many like him around so they are going to struggle meeting someone like him.

Listmaker Fri 10-Jun-05 10:30:09

flamesparrow - forgot to say sorry to hear about your relationship with your Dad. Makes me feel better about my dds not seeing their Dad - he would only let them down and I hope it's better that they haven't seen him since they were 3 and 1 (now 7 and 5). He has older dds that we used to see a lot when we were together but since he has been letting them down a lot too and they are really rebelling now (teenagers so maybe they would have anyway but don't think he's done them any good).

I know we're not psychologists but it's amzing how these fundamental relationships shape us permanently eh?

flamesparrow Fri 10-Jun-05 10:30:26

Its so nice to hear all the good dad things!

madmarchhare Fri 10-Jun-05 10:30:35

Dad left when I was 5, I suppose its hard to tell if I would be any different if he had been around.

tiredemma Fri 10-Jun-05 10:30:52

I adore my dad, my mom walked out one night and never came back. My dad must have been devastated because he loved her so much but he never weakened ( at least i never saw him weaken,)

cant put into words how much i love him, crying now just thinking about him.

flamesparrow Fri 10-Jun-05 10:31:33

For me in some ways it is worse, because I see that he is a great dad to his partner's children (the one he left us for) I look at my step sister (one is very much like me), and feel - but that should have been me.

fostermum Fri 10-Jun-05 10:36:26

my dad wasnt perfect thats what makes him my hero,he will sell his soul for us kids and heis the wisest man i know,he very sick and elderly now but he made me the person that i am, dad i love ya!

SaintGeorge Fri 10-Jun-05 10:38:05

Adored my dad. He was brilliant and I miss him every single day - he died in 1999 so never got to see his youngest grandchild, my DS2.

My DH has no physical resemblence to him but shares a lot of his characteristics and definately his very dry sense of humour. I'm sure it had a lot to do with why I fell in love with him.

madmarchhare Fri 10-Jun-05 10:38:25

flamesparrow - I know what you mean there, my dad adopted (maybe slightly different feeling haidden in the depths - I dont know), but sometimes, even as a grown adult I grit my teeth and have to admit there is a tad jealousy when I see how he is with his family now.

HappyDaddy Fri 10-Jun-05 10:38:46

My dad left when I was 4 and died when I was 6. I have only two or three memories of him and about three photos. There are many many questions I'd love to ask my dad as my mum's version of events is very biased. Wasn't until I met dw that I realised that mum's version wasn't necessarily the whole truth.

Sorry, don't think that was what you meant but used the excuse to put it down anyway.

beansmum Fri 10-Jun-05 10:38:49

I think having such an amazing dad has made it hard for me to encourage ds's dad to be part of his life. I know he wouldn't be as great as my dad and it's probably quite obvious that I don't think he's good enough for my baby.

HappyDaddy Fri 10-Jun-05 10:39:49

beansmum, that's not very fair on ds or your ex, is it?

fostermum Fri 10-Jun-05 10:41:59

my dad isnt perfect which is what makes him my hero, he taught me how to be the person i am today

beansmum Fri 10-Jun-05 10:44:15

It's a long story and hard to explain. I tried really hard at first to get him involved, the feeling that he would be a crap dad has only come on since he stopped calling after seeing bean twice, then had no contact for a year. It's not fair on bean, but I'm not feeling guilty about it

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