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WWYD - DH has changed his facebook status to 'it's complicated'

(19 Posts)
dotconfuseddotcom Thu 08-Oct-09 22:32:52

Known each other 18 years, been together 12 and married 10. Have a 2 year old DS.

Just after DS born, DH was subject to an unprovoked assault on a night out by a gang of teens and sustained a head injury - few lacerations down to the bone, was knocked out and had concussion. Didn't seem too bad at the time, but did affect his sense of safety / well being and since he has been more intolerant / quick to anger which I put down to him being a grumpy old man grin.

Since then have been through the usual adapting to parenthood, both juggling full time work and me having a life altering illness.

Recently have had a bit of a wobble, but to my mind nothing more. Put it down to us both having busy lives, working opposite shifts for childcare and him having a mid-life crisis - he's just turned 44, bought a bigger motorbike, got a tattoo etc.

We're currently awaiting a review with a neurologist to find out if he sustained a permanent brain injury which is the reason why he has had a personality change. He's sad that he is no longer the man he was, but as far as I'm concerned- he is the man I love and we are both different to when we first met, but you would expect that after 18 years. We have both been taking steps to get back on track and I thought all was going well.

Now I find he has updated his status on Facebook in the last week from from being married to 'it's complicated'.

Nice he felt he could announce this to all our friends and not mention it to me.

Answers on a postcard please.......

Crapweasel Thu 08-Oct-09 22:38:00

Before I read your OP my response to the title was he's either

1) messing around
2) an insenstive twunt who's not worth worrying about.

Sadly it seems that things are much more complicated. I have no direct experience of head injuries but am of course aware how they can change a personality and cause all sorts of weird behaviour.

Can you talk to him about it do you think? If not, you may have to file this under "ignore" and carry on addressing the bigger issues.

It is ONLY facebook - not real life.

Best of luck

SixtyFootDoll Thu 08-Oct-09 22:41:05

Maybe he thinks it will make him look 'cool' on FB?
In the circumstances I wouldnt jump to conclusions
But would ask him why he's done it and tell him it has bothered you

skihorse Fri 09-Oct-09 05:22:06

Have you actually asked him?

Honestly, don't bother asking us, we have no fecking idea what's going on in his head and the only person who can answer is him.

Stop torturing yourself with his attack and looking for convoluted answers, just ask the question.

ScaryFucker Fri 09-Oct-09 07:10:16

I am sorry for your situation, it sounds really stressful and confusing

but you need to ask him directly why he has done the FB thing

Lulumama Fri 09-Oct-09 07:16:22

I think you have to talk to him immediately, if it is out of character to do soemthing so insensitive , then i think it goes deeper than a mid life crisis.. BUT it is still horrible behaviour. and if there is no permanent brain injury and he is choosing to be a twunt, then i am not sure what is worse.

maybe the attack has made him re-evaluate things, and he is taking the cowardly way out fo having to broach the subject and is hopign you see his status and will bring it up with him

so sorry xx

Merle Fri 09-Oct-09 07:17:46

Maybe you could ask him in a light-hearted way? If that's possible? Otherwise it's a definate argument, isn't it?

Tortington Fri 09-Oct-09 07:19:49

i'd talk to him and remind him what complicated really is.
"complicated like when you have the kids at weekend and we have to arrange drop offs and pick ups? or complicated like when your kids get another daddy?

is that fucking complicted enough for ya?

ScaryFucker Fri 09-Oct-09 07:20:02

yes merle, it is potentially an argument

and so it should be

that is a monumentally insensitive thing to do, and my DH would have some serious explaining to do after that

Lulumama Fri 09-Oct-09 07:22:03

i don;t see why she should have to be all lighthearted about something that has clearly upset her.

i know it's only facebook.. but it is still publicly telling people ' I am not happy in my marriagae' which is quite a big deal to do , before you;ve mentioned it to your wife

Tortington Fri 09-Oct-09 07:22:52

agreed. i would tear my dh a new one.

ScaryFucker Fri 09-Oct-09 07:28:35

custy, you forgot "yeah, its complicated like when another bloke sticks his dick in me..."

Tortington Fri 09-Oct-09 07:31:32

yeah i like that one

BalloonSlayer Fri 09-Oct-09 08:06:07

I am loving custardo's idea grin


not being a facebook user myself, so sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree here ...

there are other statuses, aren't there?

Isn't there one for what sort of mood you're in? How you are feeling?

Might he have changed the wrong one? Is that easy to do?

SixtyFootDoll Fri 09-Oct-09 09:37:34

No ballon slayer not that easy to do unfirtunately for OP.

ABetaDad Fri 09-Oct-09 09:49:00

dotcon - given the psyhological and physical trauma he has sufferd I think he may be trying to express his uncertainty about how he feels within himself. He may be really struggling - these things can take years to emerge.

It is not known where our 'self' or our 'personality' exists in our physical brain but we do know head injury, tumour, strokes, as well as conditions such as altzheimers can destroy or alter personality.

Perhaps the best thing is to use it as a 'positive' to open up a dialogue. Maybe say gently that you had noticed he had changed to 'complicated' and given your recent wobble wanted to understand why and perhaps get him to open up. Maybe he even wanted you to see it.

msrisotto Fri 09-Oct-09 09:55:27

Of course he wanted you to see it, this is a provocation. It's a shitty way of saying you need to talk about this.

SolidGhoulBrass Fri 09-Oct-09 21:42:36

DS' Dad knows quite a lot about head injuries and has a few head-injured mates, so I by default know a bit as well, and something that is quite common with head-injured people is they don't think things through very well and they are not great at empathy. So your DH may have impulsively posted this and forgotten about it, for one thing.
DO you know about Headway? It's a charity for people with brain injuries and those who look after them, and you might find them good for support and advice in general WRT your H's behaviour.

GinAndChronic Fri 09-Oct-09 21:54:21

dotcom, some of his symptoms sound a lot like those of someone suffering with PTSD.

I have it and it's horrendous to live with, for myself and those around me.

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