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Coping with Inlaws visits, advice pease!!!(11 Posts)
Ok, I am totally aware that I dont actually like my mil very much, she just grates on me, always makes jokes at my expense and has developed a deaf ear when I am trying to assert myself with regards to ds.
basically they live 3 hours away so when they come to see ds who is 3 months, they come for a weekend. Luckily the mum and dad stay in a hotel, but dp's sister (20)stays with us, which is ok. The troublel is that they all seem happy to sit in our (very small) living room for 2 full days, arriving early each morning and leaving at about ten at night. I find it really hard to stick to ds's routine, which i feel its really important to maintain as he is a poor sleeper and keeping to having a nap in his room every 3 hours really helps him to not be hideously grumpy.
Last time they came, they arrived early, just as i was feeling ds in my bedroom, with door closed, getting ready to put him down, so the mum and the sister troop in, talking really loudly, stroking and kissing ds's head (while im breast feeding him) and i said 3 times, "actually im just putting him down for a nap, then he will be nice and fresh for you to have lots of cuddles when he wakes up" mil ignored me, and when dp came up to say "lets leave them to it, he needs a nap" mil said " oh, are you putting him down for a sleep? i didnt realise!! Oh well he wont be having naps while im here!!!!"
I was so fuming, that i went to hang washing out once ds was down, and upon my return, ds had cried out, (he often does this, i usually just resettle him and then he sleeps for an hour or so) and shes gone up with dp and got him up!!!!!! then shes reiterating that he wont be napping while shes here!!!!
Basically, she ignores everything i say "does he really need it ?" when shes holding ds who is crying.
So that annoys me, also they are just so overbearing and in ds face all the time, even when i went upstairs to lie down with him to give him a feed and to nap together (after v unsettled night), dp's sister was knocking on the bedroom door, woke ds up talking and then said "oh! hes awake, can i pick him up?".
I dunno, i just find the whole thing a bit intrusive, but im aware i may be being overprotective, especially as mil irks me anyway. I need advice on how to let this wash over me, as i cant escape from them for a whole weekend, i even have an audience at nappy changes, and believe it or not, even when i was sat in bed and ds and i werent even up, early on sunday morning, and i was in bed feeding him and also pumping milk, the sister came in the room!!!
they are coming next weekend, I have suggested that we go to them, as i think at least we can escape to visit other family and friends down there and we wont be on my territory so maybe i wont feel so invaded??
sorry this is so long, what do you all think?
goodness... you're going to have your work cut out aren't you.
I would make some rules. Tell them in no uncertain terms that your room is YOUR room... Put a lock on it if necessary. If you want to feed your son witha little privacy then they should respect that!
Make it clear that he has naps. END OF STORY. He is YOUR child, and if he needs a f$%^6ing nap he'll have one! (sorry, makes me really angry)
Also, get your DP to back you up. If you're upstairs feeding DS, or putting him down to sleep then your DP should be stopping them from disturbing you... either by telling them outright, or by making them tea or distracting them!
Try some days out perhaps so they aren't stuck in the house ALL day. WIll your DS sleep whilst out?
I think you need to assert yourself, girl!!
Firstly, it's your home and your baby. Visitors need to come at a time that's convenient to you, to some extent. Can your husband negotiate visiting times with his parents before they arrive? Sorry, I'd phone up myself and say "I'm just ringing to check what the arrangements are for tomorrow" and proceed to tell them exactly what the arrangements are.
Perhaps initially you will need to tell a few white lies, say you are going to be out or that you have other arrangements for the evening (to get them to shove off) - this could mean actually going out so make sure you have a plan!
Visiting them at their own place is a great idea - you can withdraw from the situation rather than wait for them to do the same.
They sound like a f*** nightmare. You need to believe that you are the boss in your own home and let them see the same. I'd say "can you just give me a few minutes to finish feeding him?" if they came into the room, make it very clear they are not going to get anything from hanging around.
I have an intrusive mil too ( and an intrusive mother, for that matter, but at least she's related!)
You need to tell your dp to back you up on this, otherwise you won't have them in your house. He has to be assertive on your behalf, they're HIS family after all.
Personally, I would rather go to theirs too - sounds like much less hassle, best of two evils iykwim
I think going to them is a great idea.
If you want privacy for feeding, make sure you get it. If there's a lock on your bedroom door then use it. Drag a comfy chair into the bathroom if not. If all this fails and they do wander in on you, just shout 'Ooh I never knew you cared' in a Dick Emery kind of way and make sure DH knows they are to be bundled out in no uncertain terms.
You will undoubtedly get a lot of needly comments but if you focus on what you and ds want and need you may find they start to bother you less.
And if mil wants to keep him up while you are there - YOU go for a nap and let her look after him while tired and h*llish.
That does sound like a nightmare!!!
Agree with everyone else, just try to be firm and don't worry about offending - easy to say I know. I mean, for a short while you can put up with it, but the whole weekend. And mil saying "he won't be napping while I'm here" - 3 month olds desperately need their naps.
I think it is possible to be firm and assertive without being rude, whenever mil overrides you just say "well actually I think it would be better if we did....". Good luck.
Your MIL is MY MIL and your SIL is my MIL. Had all of this happen when I had my first baby. Now, well we go to her and get out everyday. This is pre-agreed with dh who knows I can't stand her. I tried to tell her nicely and then tried to tell her firmly. She never heard so now she's not welcome but doesn't realise this as she's so thick skinned. I felt a stranger in my own home when she was here and then she would leave and tell everyone how tired she was from helping me out . You need to get this straight with her sooner rather than later.
ooh Acnebride I love the reference to Dick Emery!
We are showing our age! What next? Val Doonican? Bernie Flint? Great Stuff!!
You are NOT being over protective. How dare they just walk into your bedroom - is nothing sacred?
Would go with what everyone elsehas said here and put a lock on the door. Else you could feed ds completely naked in your bedroom and see what they say when they barge in then?
You poor thing!! They seem quite insensitive and thick skinned to say the least, respecting your and your little ds's space and routine so little. You must get dp on your side and/or be more assertive yourself; they most likely won';t think you 're rude. Anyway too bad if they take the hump imo.
Let us know how you get on!
Thanks for the support everyone, i was beginning tothink i was just being too sensitive! I really am trying to be more assertive, and find that I am starting to be but she just doesnt hear me!! I will have to be LOUDER!! Dp has a real difficulty in backing me up, he seems blissfully unaware of her various comments and doesnt see these things as problems like i do. He gets very defensive when i bring it up and seem petrified about causing an argument!!
I will however have a good chat with him about it all before we go and make an effort to not get annoyed with him over it, so we can be a united front. Ill let you all know how it goes!! Thanks for the support girls youre all great!! xxxxx
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