Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
School run behaviour. what do you do?(27 Posts)
I know there have been endless posts about the school run and how some people find others cliquey and bitchy or unapproachable.
I wanted to post to see what others coping mechanisms are. Obviously, if you think the school run is marvellous and great and no problems then don't read on . If however, like me,you do not understand how some people can talk and smile one day and ignore you the next, read on!
My experiences have been mixed since DC started school in September. We knew many mums from preschool so this has helped. However, I am amazed at the apparent ignorance of some other parents. Parents whose kids are in my daughters class. I have pretty low expecatations, ie I am not wanting life long buddies, but why can people now just say 'morning' or 'hello'. It is polite is it not. You see these people every day?
Is this others experience? Is this a British thing? It is hardly suprising some kids are so rude! I always say Good morning or hello if I recognise people. Even people whose kids are not in the same class. Is the school not a community in itself?
Anyway enough rant...how do others cope with this as to be honest some days it beggars belief how people can be so ignorant.....
I have been in tears over this myself once this month. It is ridiculous isn't. But I just feel I am not going to let myself be bothered by it any more. there are some nice mums and I am starting to find out who they are. But otherwise I am just doing the British thing of saying hello and not giving a shit I'm afraid, otherwise it is upsetting.
I can see someone and it isn't until I have walked past that I realise that I recognise their face and by then it is too late to say hello.
I haven't made any friends and have been doing the school run for 4 years now.
I have no expecatation about making friends as I appreciate it is coincidence that people have children in the same class. However, surely people are able to be civil to each other.
Equally I am sure that I have walked past people however, there seem to be people that do this ALL the time. So it is obvious that they are no doing so by mistake.
I wonder how these parents will find things when kids have birthday parties. Do these parents only invite the parents that they like and talk to? Bit narrow minded if you ask me!
you lot are thinking too hard.
its a school
you take your kids
any friendships are up to you to create and if people have created their own what IS the proble,?
I'm wondering if I do this. I really don't mean to, I'm rubbish in the mornings and I have 2yr old ds2 in tow when I drop ds1 (who has mild SN) off, a million bags to carry and am often in a tearing rush. I chat if I see people I know well, as we're usually continuing a conversation which was left halfway through from the day before.
If people smile at me, I always smile back and would never intentionally blank anyone but there are days when I avoid striking up conversation as I'm either preoccupied or racing off somewhere else.
My Grandad operates by the three strikes rule. If someone blanks you three times in a row, you give up trying from that point on. Some people are just rude, others are just busy amd in their own world at that time in the morning, like me!
I'm not English. I lived in England. My ds attended school in the UK for a whole yr. And yes, I noticed that there is a good number of people who are not that brilliant with greetings.
Have to agree with PVish.
It's a school - not a social club for adults.
And kids will find out about parties when they receive a party invite.
Mornings are hectic at schools and most parents are already thinking about whether they will get to work on time, their shopping list or what to do for tea that night.
I doubt that people would be intentionally blanking you but if they are, f* I say - you presumably have better friends to talk to.
Actually that is quite helpful - the thing about thinking about how you yourself sometimes might come accross to others by 'accident'. Eg sometimes I avoid meeting anyone's eye because I'm feeling in a vulnerable mood and dont' want to talk to anyone. Or I'm in a really bad mood so might look like I'm pulling a face, but it is not caused by any of the people in the playground. Or I'm preoccupied with one of the children whingeing and the other one running off up the other end of the playground when I need him to come and walk home with us. So I don't even notice if someone is trying to get my attention.
Once a dad I knew thought I had blanked him and given him a filthy look but he was brave enough to come right up to me and get in my face and force me to say hello! I had been staring right at him and hadn't even seen him because I was in such a bad mood and thinking about what I was in a mood about! I felt ashamed of myself that what if he hadn't been 'assertive' and had gone home thinking I disliked him!
I know I do these things and yet my paranoid reaction to anyone else being like this would also be to think "Why don't they like me?" It does make you feel better to know that you do it too sometimes and it doesn't mean you don't like them so when they do it, it doesn't mean they don't like you. People have a tendency to look at these things in a self centred way don't they when a lot of the time it really is not 'all about you'.
But I agree that if they continually do it then maybe they do mean it and you should give up on them.
Most people at our school are very friendly and welcoming. I had to work quite hard at first to get the message across that although I like to chat sometimes, and generally like them individually, I don't like crowds, don't want to go to coffee mornings or toddler groups, or parties (though of course ds does!) and it doesn't mean I don't like them.
I sometimes feel like someone better comes along when I'm chatting with them and they break off to arrange something/talk to them, as they know them better and have a social life in common.
But usually I am happy just to be able to say hi and have a quick chat maybe, but not be part of the intense social group that is our school parents.
It is seriously intimate and a was bit overwhelming when I was there first.
What I mean is generally you get what you put in
If I wanted to have coffee and go round to people's houses and share childcare, I would approach people and offer it - but I don't and they don't bother to make the running forever.
I am always polite and I think people know I am a bit less sociable now than many of them - it's Ok.
Hate doing it full stop when I am particularly depressed but that is me, not them iyswim.
You mean rude, not ignorant <teeth-itching pedantry>
That aside, smash and grab- no need to linger, school runs very dull once you start yakking to people and realise how dull they are, and you can't very well ignore them next time. Never talk to anyone is my tip
I am not bothered by it.
They have their little groups and I let them get on with it.
I just want to get my boys into school still clean, preferably on time and with all the junk they need.
The 2 things that DO annoy me however are the women who won't speak to me, but they have since tried after they saw a certain other lady talking to me at a kids party recently. It's a case of 'If X talks to her, that means we can' and my thoughts are 'No, no you can't'
I am quite proud of my response the other week to 'I am Gods' gift to women Dad' who never speaks to me except on days when I have had time to do my hair/makeup, then he sidles up like a weasel....
LOL - His face was
I have school mum freiends , but I don't talk to them every morning becvause frankly I don't always have anything to say! I think I am polite but often in a mad rush to get to work so not got time to stop and chat.
I sit in my house, and wait for the taxi to pull up to the door, and collect my children. Then I go back to my cup of tea. It's bliss!!!
I think it's just rude to blank people or not saying hello to someone you know. No one expects to chit chat every day or making best friends or being over cheerful first thing in the morning in the playground.
But a smile, a nod or a good morning are just the base of normal society?
Bramshott - I like your way best
If I said hello to every Mum I recognise on the way to school and back every day I'd be hoarse by the end of the day. I smile at some, roll my eyes at others and I'm sure I have accidentally ignored people when dss are fighting chattering, running off miles ahead etc.
My pet hate is the Mum who will talk to me whilst scanning the playground for someone more interesting, then breaking off mid sentence and wandering off to talk to someone else. I make a point of ignoring her now - she is just plain rude and I can't be arsed to fill in until her richer more interesting friends show up.
Thanks for replies so far.
Agree with you francaghostohollywood. I think this is my point, it seems rude not to at least acknowledge people who you know.
No need to go in to life history etc etc. I appreciate we have busy lives (I have one too and other kids that are in tow when I drop DD off). I am not stupid enough to think that it is all about me either. It seems that it is easier to give out lots of reasons why we cannot say hello.......Just seems that it so difficult for some folk to do this.
Dingledangle - the world you are hoping for doesn't exist.
We don't live in a society where there's a friendly village policeman who says hello to the kids. There is no cheery, whistling postman who knows everyone by name. There is no jolly red faced baker who knows which cakes everyone likes. This is a fractured society.
Get real. People are busy and those with the time to stand and chat in the playground are probably spending their time running down their husband or talking about Strictly or what they are buying from Waitrose when they eventually get there after their hair and nail appointments.
Drop the kids off, then get the hell out - meet your real friends.
I agree with those saying it is unrealistic to greet every single parent you know on the school run - there are just too many. I also agree that sometimes I'm just preoccupied or in a rush.
I am however, very intersted in getting to know some of the parents, in particular parents of dd's friends and/or neighbours. I have gone out of my way to be friendly to parents of dd's playmates. Once you have 2 or 3 people you talk to regularly you really haven't much time to notice anything else - especially if you never get there early (lke us).
I'm happy to chat to anyone I find next to me but that doesn't mean I will seek them out the next time. I'm sure I can often be seen scanning the playground as I'm looking for someone in particular because I have some paricular reason - usually to do with dd and nothing to do with my ranking them above the person I am standing with.
It's easy to take little things too personally and I know I do it too - but it's also easy to see how most of these little things just don't mean anything and are not personal. I have noticed a 'set' that does rather blank me and I have no idea why but if it's just one set I can live with it. When you see some people genuinely blanking you it can make you feel everyone is doing it.
I can assure you that it is possible to say hello to whoever you know that you chance to meet in the playground.
"hello" : it takes 1 second to utter it!
Well our playground is pretty small and all that 'helloing' would seem pretty contrived. There's no 'chance' about it - we're packed in. We don't all acknowledge each other every day and I honestly don't even notice it. Not saying hello, is IMO, quite different to catching someone's eye or standing right next to them and blanking them.
The one thing that does get to me is when someone looks you right in the face, clearly knows you, but doesn't smile at all, even a tiny bit. I find that unnerving.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.