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Relationships

All falling apart again

37 replies

togoornot · 08/10/2009 10:35

Just before i go in to details, i have posted before. Brief history:

Together 8 years.
1 ds (3 yo)
has been violence from both sides
dreadful arguments, awful things said
been to counselling (past and now)
dh shows alot of aspergic traits
i left a year ago and got involved with xp
recently discovered dh looking at bdsm websites, he lied in past about looking at such stuff
had an op few weeks after discovering porn stuff and dh didn't try to make amends beforehand
I had decided i wanted to split up and told him soon after op, he did/said nothing. few weeks later i asked him if we could have one last try, he agreed.

So that's where we are now, supposedly giving things one last go and seeing counsellor regularly together. Also i have no contact anymore with xp.

Last night though things were awful. It's my birthday in 3 weeks and dh knows i like to have something to look forward to. (it 's his in a week too and he knows i booked something for us weeks ago and asked him about presents about a month ago). last night he asked where i wanted to go for my bday and i came up with a suggestion but as it's a new restaurant, likely to be very, very popular. we'd discussed that it might already be fuly booked (as my bday on a saturday) so he' need to book it v quickly. After we'd talked about it, i went off to do a few things and really hoped he'd get on and book it. i waited and he did nothing, just sa twatching tv. I told him that it was upsetting we'd just had to chat about how popular it'd be and he got angry and said he was going to do it at lucnchtime today and why should he have to do it straight away. I got really upset and he got really angry - i was esp upset as i've made such an effort for him and my last 2 birthdays have been crap (due to him ). he started tanting at me and i tried to shut him up by putting my hand over his mouth (v bad i know), he tehn elbowed me off in the area where i had a recent op (think i was an accident). I told him what he;'s done, and he said i shouldn't have been touching him, true i know. there was no concern from him at all though. Then a bit later argumetn contined in kitchen, i was standing infrot of him and he tried to pusch past me, i lost my balance and feel on floor and bumped my head - he carried on ranting whiel i lay there. Atfer a while he came back and asked me to get up.

Needless to say we slept in separate rooms last night and he ame in and stroked my head this morning, i told him to get off and he went to work. Next counselling appt is in a few days, wondering if it's worth carrying on?

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thesame · 08/10/2009 10:42

Wow. Am for you. Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Just wanted to say that my first impression on reading about your argument last night was that you overreacted about the birthday thing. I mean it's not that big a deal and maybe he did want some peace to book it. Or if he's like most men I know he wouldn't take the hint anyway.

He definitely shouldn't have hurt you, accident or not but it sounds as though there are a lot of underlying issues on both sides.

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 10:46

Thanks thesame. Yes i proably did overreact, think it was because i've put alot of thought into his and also wanted a nice birthday after having horrible ones for the last 2 years.

yes, lots of underlying issues, he said i hurt him by grabbing him and trying to stop him talking so he was just tring to get me off

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HappyWoman · 08/10/2009 11:02

i have read some of your post before - he seems unable to organize things - i am right?

Do you think you do both want to really change? If so you will have to both learn to give a little. There will be slip ups along the way.

Only you can know if you want to keep putting in the effort - leopard and spots seems apt here though.

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 11:10

Yes, you're right happy woman. Althought in the first few years of us being together he did arrange things for us. Am i overreacting about him hurting me, when i grabbed him first. That bit doesn't seem as bad as him leaving me lying on the kitchen floor after bumping my head

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GypsyMoth · 08/10/2009 11:17

what were you doing whilst still lying on the floor?
not passed out i presume?

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overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 11:21

I really feel for you, but really, why are you still trying to make this relationship work?

It is not making you happy, it is not giving you what you want or need from a relationship, it is just a vicious cycle of emotional trauma.

You need to end it, once and for all.

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 11:22

No not passed out. Just lying there, was really shocked. Brought back memorie of vilence in the past

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 11:23

Overmy deadbody - I;m still trying as i still love him.

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overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 11:23

Sounds like youi did over-react.

Seriously, this relationship is going no-where.

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overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 11:24

I don't think there is any love in this relationship actually.

You are mistaking other feelings for love.

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overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 11:25

You are both co-depending on each other, not loving each other.

Love is an action, not a feeling.

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sayithowitis · 08/10/2009 11:25

Well Done. I think this is the first post of yours that I've read, where you have been open at the start about the fact that the violence is a two way thing in this relationship.

In all honesty, having followed your posts over tha past year or so, I really don't think this is ever going to work. You clearly want far more than your husband can give. i suspect the AS traits play a very big role in the way he acts/responds to you. And people who are on the AS finde it very difficult to effect the sort of changes you would like him to. They find it very hard to be the warm, loving, 'doing things just because' type of person you want. They have to train themselves to think about others' feelings and how what he does affects you. It's not because he's a bad person, it's all part of AS. it makes his life hard work, for him as well as for you.

You obviously have an idea of the sort of person you want him to be and the things you want him to do for you. But tje sad fact is he os probably unable to be that person. So you have a choice to make. Can you live with the fact that he probably won't be the one boking the birthday meal when you decide he should, and that he won't always show you the affection you desire? Can you live with the fact that though he loves you, it is not necessarily going to be in a way that you would even understand? But it is his way. Or are you, prepared to say that the relationship has run its course and move on for the sake of all three of you?

If you decide to stay, you both need help to deal with the anger/violence because that is serious. not only are you both getting hurt, but your DS, even if not witnessing the violence, is certainly witnessing the results of it. You will also need help to accept that he is not, and possibly never will, be able to be and do, what you keep saying you want. AS people find it so hard to express their emotions and more importantly, they find it very, very difficult to empathise, so he will never understand how you feel. It will be hard and that's why I think you will need help coming to terms with it and learning to live with it.
this and this have some helpful information for you.

oh yes, and well done for not namechanging this time!

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sayithowitis · 08/10/2009 11:27

sorry for typos, have the lurgy today!

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overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 11:28

I agree completely with sayithowitis.

You want him to fit certain expectations you have about how he should be and what he should do, that isn't realistic or fair.

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 11:28

Thanks sait. I tried to include everything in my first post. yes, i think the as does have a huge impact on how things are - i'm not sure i can live with it. I'll read your links

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macdoodle · 08/10/2009 11:44

Terrible relationship - codependancy, mind games, over reaction on both sides - what a mess and thoroughly depressing way to live your life!

You put your hand over his mouth to stop him taunting you, and lay on the floor - sorry you sound just as bad as him and I am quick/paranoid to see abuse!

Why are you with him, what exactly is good about his relationship??

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 11:47

I was lying on thefloor because i fell over!!

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togoornot · 08/10/2009 11:49

He called a few minutes ago, to ask how i was . Told him felt bad and i was sorry for grabbing him. Said i didn't want us to keep trying if this is what's going to happen. he tried to change subject and aksed how ds was at nursery and what i wanted to do for my birthday - i said i didn't want to do anything now,so he said he wouldn't and he hung up

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GypsyMoth · 08/10/2009 11:50

there are so many 'would be 'aspergers husbands on MN!!

get a proper diagnosis

how common is it actually? not very i'd guess

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macdoodle · 08/10/2009 11:53

Well I'm sorry but just going on your posting, you sound like a bit of a brat - he is admittedly a bit cackhandedly trying to make it up, and you are stamping your feet and saying "no its too late you've ruined it now!"
Thats how a child behaves not a grown up!
Sorry if there is more to this as Im sure there is!

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viennesewhirl · 08/10/2009 12:25

I'm sorry, but I can't help but agree with macdoodle - it sounds like you enjoy the drama; you lay on the floor long enough for him to keep ranting at you, then leave the room, then 'after a while' come back and ask you to get up - as you weren't injured, why didn't you just get straight up again?

And sounds like you enjoy playing the victim role too - husband has 'ruined' your birthday the past 2 years and has just done it again.

I can't see why you're hanging on here, it doesn't seem like you like each other very much and you're full of resentment.

Stop being the victim, pick yourself up off the floor, decide what you want (other than moulding him into the person he's not) and get on with sorting your life out.

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HappyWoman · 08/10/2009 12:38

and actually so what if he is AS - it will give you some of the answers but it will not change him. If anything it will make you feel even worse if you want to leave him - as you will be able to say it is because of his AS and not 'him'

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wheredidiputit · 08/10/2009 12:45

I agree Macdoodle you created the arguement last night and are now trying to put the blame on your DH.

The only thing your dh didn't do last night was to jump up and phone and make the booking straight away. So you started an arguement.

If your DH has AS then you need to find away to deal with it or leave so your DS is not being brought in a warzone created by his parents.

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ginnny · 08/10/2009 12:53

It sounds like you started it last night tbh. You were being a bit childish about your birthday - why didn't you just book the restaurant yourself? As for putting your hand over his mouth that's bound to wind anybody up!
I'm not excusing him elbowing you or pushing you over, that was very wrong of him, but it looks to me like you provoked him to get a reaction so that you can be the victim and get sympathy which for whatever reason he can't/won't give you.
And to say you don't want to do anything on your birthday now is just being petulant and again making yourself the victim.
It sounds like a horrible destructive relationship and you probably should both be apart until you have had more counselling and dealt with your issues.

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mrsboogie · 08/10/2009 13:15

hmm I have read some of your other threads and this one makes it more obvious that there is fault on both sides.

As things stand you are no good for each other or your child. You have both lost the ability to be kind, to behave well, to put each others' feelings before your own.

You sound like you have brought your baggage from past relationships into this one and are letting it taint everything. You also sound like you are trying to force him and the relationship to be what you think a happy relationship should be.

You place a lot of importance on these "events to be looked forward to". I LOVE having something nice to look forward to myself - it helps to get me through the mundanity of work and housework and dieting and bad weather and all sorts. But you mustn't let your happiness or the measure of your relationship be set by how successful these things are. You should be happy together in your daily life and the birthday treat should be a bonus. Don't be trying to make it a way to pretend everything is great for just a day. That places too much importance on it and everythign comes craashing down when it doesn't go the way you want.

You say you love him and he certainly sounds like he still cares for you.

Ring him back and tell him you are sorry for your earlier outburst and to please book the birthday meal.

Before you go on the meal sit down and talk to each other. ask yourselves whether you want to try to make the marriage work. If you do, you both need to find a way to consider the other person's feelings as well as your own. If he is not the sort of bloke to be planning weeks in advance what to do for your birthday you have to accept that. Most men aren't like that.

Take the example of the birthday discussion and ask yourselves what went wrong. Allow each other to say how you would have preferred it to go but do it without interrupting. See whether you can both understand each other's viewpoint. If, instead of having the discussion about the restaurant and then expectign him to jump up and make a reservation, you could have said "ok, who will book it, me or you?" if he said he would you could have asked him when he planned to do so and ask him ONCE after this whether he had done so. If he hadn't you could have just done it yourself -no harm done.

Try to decide whether you both can be bothered to to take a step back and see how your demands and behaviours impact on the other person and whether you are prepared to live your lives learning to accomodate each others' feelings and foibles and thought processes.

If you can't then its over.

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