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my dh's attitude to me and with ds is concerning me

(17 Posts)
allok Wed 07-Oct-09 20:50:13

Sorry if this is a bit garbled but I'm a newbie here.

been with dh for many many years. relationship has gone to pot and we have a young ds.

dh from overseas and yes although cultural differences I come from a very multicultural background so very had few issues and stupidly accommodated their needs - however many years on I feel duped - as dh lives my country - a country he seems to hate and despise 0 since birth of our litle one ils have been nothing but shite. His family are no. 1 and they seem to not want my family involved in our lives at all.

ds is now 3.5 - he thinks of himself as a national of dh's country - dh will say things to ds about me so that ds starts to say things about me that are not nice - not big things - but things in the schenme of things are not great and come from dh - my mil came over to stay and the first day I came back from work dh and mil had taught ds to say something horrbile about me and got him to say it. I think that's awful why can't they teach him love or positive things.

I thought the deal was was that we'd stay together for ds but with that comes rules of mutual respect - if not I think that ds will suffer anyway. dh won't play ball - ok some of the time but I seem to do all the work and he just then kicks me in the teeth when not expecting it.

I would leave but I have been threatened that I'd never see ds again and they'd go abroad and that would be that. He's made it very clear that he wants to live like this - he's not happy either - but won't make an effort and if I make moves to seperate than I get threatened.

I think he's depressed - to a greater degree I'm OK about 60% of the time - the rest I just feel a bloody mug.

I can talk to parents but quite honestly they are gobsmacked, elderly and worried already whilst inlaws are acting like a bunch of idiots. I tried to have it out with mil finally - huge mistake as their manipulation has got worse and kind of gone underground and I'm now the big bitch and they are the victim. dh seems to do nothing for ds but will run off and find energy and ttime to go and do mils bidding.

an example of typical day at home when dh not working (I'm a sahm) is that he'll sleep, I'll take ds out take him to preschool pick him up, clean the property - dh still sleeping and has done nothing with ds all day (I don't even think dh has taken to ds to park at all for example). He has no shame when I'm standing precariuosly on something to clean ceiling - no interest -no concern - no nothing. No shame that after c-section he bought mil over who was awful and both happy that I had to walk to shops to do all shopping bent over and in pain.

How do I make him see sense? If he doesn't love me - lets do the right thing and separate with dignity and damage limitation. He will not do this and instead has said I'd be on the streets and he'd use the property value (not huge) for legal fees to see me brought down.

Oh god this is long - so sorry.
Feel lost - and don't have any fight in me other than to tackle him about this now and again to no avail.

Hassled Wed 07-Oct-09 20:59:10

You need to call Women's Aid. He doesn't love you, because you don't treat people you love this badly. I'm sorry. You can leave, and keep your son safe, but you will need proper help.

allok Wed 07-Oct-09 21:06:56

But is it really abuse or just a marriage breakdown where the two people involved cannot get their shit together.

He does work very hard - he's also very manipluated by his family who are needy - he also knows this himself but just goes with it and we bear the brunt of his lack of energy or commitment.

I do help him - I've helped alot with his health but this doesn't seem to be recipcrocated at all - he earns the money type thing and I should know my place.

He talks as though we are divorced - when talking to ds never mentions my name - no question of us both picking him up from preschool - either me or him - not both from his point of view and his has an affect on ds. In fact I've noticed that the more remote dh is the more ds wants and loves him. DH does love ds.

I worry about him though and feel that relationship apart, he's sleeping his way through his kid's childhood.

randomtask Wed 07-Oct-09 21:07:11

Why would your DH use the property value for legal fees and not you? Why would he spend no time with your DS apart from when he wants to hurt your feelings?

The bloke sounds like a grade A tosser.

Call Womens Aid or someone similar, take DS with you and go. Could you move back with your parents? They'd be less worried if they knew where you were and if your DH threatened any trouble you could make the police aware. Also, log every threat he makes as that (unlike the value of a property that wouldn't necessarily end up with him) would be very helpful if it came to court.

Be strong, if nothing else, if you stay with him the chances are DS will turn out like him and may believe what his father and grandmother tell him about you. sad

Good luck

staryeyed Wed 07-Oct-09 21:09:01

I dont normally post in relationships but I had to answer you. Do not allow anyone to treat you in that way. He clearly has no respect for you and his family are a liability. Get out, protect yourself and your son from the poison these people are spouting. You are worth more than staying with someone who will treat you so disgustingly and allow his family to manipulate your son against you. This is completely harmful to both you and your son. Please raise the bar on what you expect from others and how you expect peolpe to treat you.

Katisha Wed 07-Oct-09 21:12:28

He's not going to change. And neither will his family.

I second Women's Aid, because he has been using the classic threat of taking DS abroad. WA will have heard it all before and will know how to advise you.

Don't hang about trying to keep the peace - you will lose yourself and your DS will be taught to despise you.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Wed 07-Oct-09 21:28:23

That's untenable, you have to get out.

If there is not that much money in the house, walk away from it, no amount of money is worth that. I'd be inclined to change my name and vanish too if my DH ever mentioned taking DS away from me.

If i'm even close on where his 'culture' is, and I've not long returned from my DH country where I lived for 3 years... [twitches right eye] I'm still not recovered from it, it could take years! If it's like that place, you would have no chance of getting your DS back, your rights are non existent.

The kind of behaviour exhibited by you MIL sounds familiar to stories I've heard. It's all about undermining the female, the wife, so that DH remains stuck to his Mum. The wife has no rights, no say and no life. She is impotent and isolated. She is not allowed to raise her voice, she is not allowed an opinion.

All this is done/encourageed BY the MILs to ensure their sons are the masters of their home. Its insidious, it's inhumane and it's immoral. It's generations of abuse, which eventually becomes ingrained and expected in society.

Go to Womans Aid, walk away from that man, and that psycotic MIL. Whatever money you lose by leaving him with the house, will be money well and truly well-spent. You need to get him away from corrupting your DS, cos he'll grow up to treat you the same and his wife too.

allok Wed 07-Oct-09 21:58:34

Oh god I' not worried about money - I have family and I'd just start again albeit humbly.

My dh is from the EU - he has a rather difficult family background but still whatever, he needs to get a backbone himself.

He should be respectful to his family - that's right - but not neglect the one he chose.

The stuff with ds is not everyday - but it does rear it's head from time to time and god knows what mil says when I'm not there whilst she is in my home. It is my home too, I know.

I don't expect a great loving relationship- it's gone too far but whether or not we stay together it needs to be on an even footing. Even if divorced we'd need to communicate re ds and we can't seem to do that now.

Much of blame is mine - I kind of buried my hhead in the sand and vrey much beleive in letting people be and not being demanding - but in the void of not controlling dh he is ccontrolled. MIL isn't evil but she's very ignorant and has no emotional IQ which makes her volatile and also childish. My sil is the same and I thought my dh was different but he's also like this now.

How do I talk to him properly? I don't want to hurt him but are going nowhere fast. We need ground rules - ie how we speak to each other, how we ensure that both sets of gp get to see ds and make things a bit more equal, expectations of our behaviour- how we aapproach deciding things for ds. And if the marriage cannot be saved how to progress a seperation which limits any damage to ds.

I honeslty have no expectations of what I take away from this marriage- but I would want ds to live me for obvious reasons - dp loves his son but takes very little interest in welfare or education imo.

Thanks for the advice - I just need to act and DO something that will help me- this situation isn't good for anyone. I'll contact woman's aid although I doubt this is one of those cases and then I'll see how I can best approach dh and get him to talk.

TMany thanks again - think I just needed to offload and also see if I was going mad.

But I see the need to act - not a good mummy if I don't do something.

kreecherlivesupstairs Thu 08-Oct-09 09:34:12

Saddest sentence I've read for a long time, 'I don't expect a loving relationship, it's gone too far'. FWIW if I were in your situation I'd go. You are clearly not enjoying being wed to Mr Toerag and your son isn't gaining anything either. Do go to WA, as someone else said, they've heard it all before. Do it with some urgency, it could all suddenly kick off and your DS could be spirited away.

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 08-Oct-09 09:44:28

You need to do something you've already said it is affecting your son. I dread t thin k of the sorts of thing he is getting your son to say t you. Your son is learning how to treat women.

ginnny Thu 08-Oct-09 10:09:19

You know this is wrong and you don't have to put up with this, your ds is at the age when he will start to watch your relationship and see the way your H treats you as acceptable, then the whole cycle will go on to another generation.
If you want to leave, go to WA, they will be able to give you advice and do make sure you get legal advice on how to stop him and MIL from being able to take your ds out of the country if they decide to get nasty.
He sounds absolutely vile, just because he loves his ds doesn't make him a good father He is teaching his son to treat women (his own mother included) like dirt. He should treat you with respect as the mother of his son, regardless of how he feels about you romantically. That is just basic manners.

NicknameTaken Thu 08-Oct-09 10:59:46

Perhaps projecting my own situation here, but you might give serious consideration to
a) hiding ds's passport
b) asking the passport office to put a note on file that they should not re-issue his passport if his father reports it missing
c) writing to the embassy of your h's country and asking them not to issue a passport.

If you think there's any chance he might fulfil his threat to take ds away, you can take steps to neutralise this threat.

Is your MIL still living with you? If so, you need to get her out of your house. It's her or you. Frankly, he'll probably choose her, so you should be prepared and have planned your next move.

You say you don't feel this is worthy of Women's Aid, but the threat to remove your child is a serious attempt at intimidation and yes, it is abusive in its own right.

mummydarlingsausage Thu 08-Oct-09 11:06:43

allok i hope you find a way out of this unhappy situation. your dh has no respect for you and no one deserves to be treated like that.
does your son have a passport?? if so i would put it along with his birth certificate in the safe keeping of a friend or relative. good luck.

mummydarlingsausage Thu 08-Oct-09 11:08:06

x-post!

Arsed Thu 08-Oct-09 11:42:39

i was just going to post about the passports but i see it has been said already.

Your husband and his mother sound hatefull

allok Thu 08-Oct-09 13:32:57

They are only hateful as I've started to say I'd like a bit of parity between his and my family - it hasn't happened but I'm a bitch etc. Also they are from very poor uneducated backgrounds and I think they lack any emotional iq so having a proper constructive convo is out of the question - they are fine as long as you're doing what they want - they want lots and givce nothing back - you say something and there's a huge problem and they act like prats and are then hateful and spiteful until you get back in your box and then they are OK again.

I don't htink dh would dare take ds - it's apparent - even to him - that he cannot look after his son. I think it's jealousy - we come from very different walks for life. However, I've ds's passport in my handbag for the past 2 years. His birth documents are safe with my parents - however, he can apply for nationality of his country for ds without my permission but it does take about 4 years to be able to get a passport - so instead there's this drip feeding of subtle disrespect for me via ds - ds is a lovely boy I might add and that what makes me upset more than anything- we are blessed to be parents don't use your son and corrupt him,

I am making plans to go if it starts getting nasty - I mean more nasty - just need to get my shit together but my ds ADORES his dad.

Bucharest Thu 08-Oct-09 13:43:47

Leave now.
You are at least in the position of being in your own country....Are all his family near you as well?

He doesn't love you. It sounds to me like he's used you as a brood mare.

As others have said, keep your son's passport safe...and don't worry too much about abduction- it does happen, yes, but rarely, and the immigration authorities at airports are always on special look out for lone fathers travelling with children.

Does he come from a country which doesn't recognise dual nationality? If he does, don't let him railroad you into thinking that your child will lose his (presumably) UK citizenship if he gains the citizenship of his father's country- it may be so under the law of that country, but not under UK law which allows dual naty.

(I know you're nowhere near thinking about this stage of things yet, but I know these are undoubtedly things that do cross your mind when you are in this kind of situation)

His family sound like a bunch of ignorant oiks. I wonder if they're related to my dp's family grin

Your child adores his dad, of course he does, but he adores you too...and all this is already affecting his well-being. No-one should ever stay together for the "sake of the children" It should be made illegal, because it never works.

You need to start, if you can't/don't want to leave, by telling your husband and his family that one more word against you to your son and they won't see him again.

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