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WTF? DH Sent a very upseting text 2 mins after he goes out

(23 Posts)
Colonelcupcake Wed 07-Oct-09 20:22:20

Hi All

My DH has just gone out for his usual wednesday out with the boys, this is the text conversation:

DH: I feel like our relationship is over, we have nothing in common and less contact and conversation than my friend. surely you feel the same under the acting?

Me:What? I do not feel like that we are coasting along nice and smooth and content I thought! Lets talk in the morning, I hope you will be able to tell me why you feel like this, I love and care for you, I had thought our discussion of 2 months ago had sorted us out and we knew how we both felt.

DH: ive felt totally loveless since that talk and i cant stop ot - thats not to say i dont love you - but i dont feel in a relationship one little bit. i dont feel like i should be with you or you are right for me at all, its just gone. i have no connection to you, and its killing me I just can't get it back.

We got married 29/05/2004 we were both 18 we have two ds's aged 2.9 and 1.9 we have a lovely home in the country which he with help renovated, we go through the normal bad patches where I feel he doesn't respect me and do enough house and childcare At the end of august he had a really busy period at work and things blew up, basically covering the fact that we do have nothing in common and I got upset he got upset but it was or so I thought resolved and now I get this

I am sat here in tears what the hell do I do. Its true we have little in common, I often feel I have to fight and push just to have a conversation as in keep chatting not causing arguments.

A general evening consists of boys to bed I make dinner he is sat on computer, conversation extends to what he wants for dinner, I cook it and potter on pc or clean kitchen. we eat in front of telly or projector, then he remains glued to telly or goes on computer or he goes to bed with his laptop. If I am out he plays xbox or is on computer.

Interests.

Me - Taekwondo, Reading, Playing Games
Him - TV, Computer, xbox

I don't know what to do or say. I love him and I am scared of being alone I am a SAHM with minimal prospects

Sorry for the length

Colonelcupcake Wed 07-Oct-09 20:24:01

I don't believe I have been acting at all either

nowwearefour Wed 07-Oct-09 20:26:03

I am nearly in tears for you reading your post. I did not want you to go unanswered. You clearly have more talking to do- find a time when you dont have the dss around to talk- and soon before it eats away at you even more. Find out what lies at the heart of his issues and try to suggest ways you can both make things different. What a horrible situation.

Colonelcupcake Wed 07-Oct-09 20:28:18

Thank you, but what I do and say how can I make him understand that I love him and I don't want to lose him

HappyWoman Wed 07-Oct-09 20:29:42

oh dear
What a coward he is - leaving it to do in a text.

sorry to say that he sounds as if he has already left the relationship and just wants to you say 'yes thats how i feel too'.

Sorry also but my money is on there being someone else and he wants you to 'kick him out'. so as not to have the guilt.

He sounds as if he is being an arse.

Sorry but i think you need to be very careful now and start thinking how you would cope if the worse were to happen.

picmaestress Wed 07-Oct-09 20:32:22

I can't recommend marriage guidance counselling enough, please ring Relate and make an appointment. They'll really help both of you.

Also - do you go out together at all, and have fun?

For now, just tell him you love him and want to figure out how to sort it out, then ring Relate in the morning.

Hope you're ok

ScaryFucker Wed 07-Oct-09 20:32:29

I agree with HW

why the hell are you having these life-changing conversations by text ?

there is someone else, sorry

BiteOfFun Wed 07-Oct-09 20:34:41

This is definitely a conversation for you to have in person- I can't believe the nerve and sensitivity of the guy sending you a text like that as he skips out for a drink!

PoppyIsApain Wed 07-Oct-09 20:35:07

My BIL, did this to my sis, and there was someone else, be careful, and dont worry, thinking of you sad

randomtask Wed 07-Oct-09 20:43:49

I don't know if there is someone else (and TBH, I would probably be checking he is out with mates) but, why don't you agree to turn the TV/PC off for at least one evening a week so you have to talk to each other? DH and I are very happy and in love but when we're busy and doing 'parent' stuff we get knackered and it does make your relationship more difficult. So, we have evenings of watching tv snuggled on the sofa if we don't have the brains for conversation and have the chat when we're more awake. Weirdly, that's often in the car if DSS isn't there.

And I would definitely be telling him that you don't appreciate having the conversation by text. He should man up and respect you more than that. But I also think you should have called him instead of responding by text as now he probably thinks that was fine.

Good luck, nobody deserves that but I think if you agree to give it a go and a set time, if he wants it to work it will.

Pumpkinbummum Wed 07-Oct-09 20:49:01

I agree with everone about the texting,

And second what randomtask says, ask him if he wants it to work and then actively work at it together,
By any chance are his mates single, you are both quite young he might think he is missing out on something

overmydeadbody Wed 07-Oct-09 20:51:56

What a completely yellow-bellied coward to tell you that by text!shock

Lulumama Wed 07-Oct-09 20:53:10

you are both very young, and it could well be he has had enough of being 'tied down'

he is not behaving like a decent partner and father if he does not help with stuff round teh house and with the children and won't engage

you can't do this sort of thing by text, it's cowardly and stupid

he;s trying to shirk responsibility for making it work

6feetundertheGroundhogs Wed 07-Oct-09 21:06:48

First of all, how horrid for you, I'm so sorry to read your post.

I agree the evening routine doesn't sound like too much fun for either of you, and you are now both 24yo?

I'll disagree with the 'other woman' idea, I don't think that's it.

I'm not patronising you in any way, I'm not doing that horrific 'you're so young thing' but I think you both have achieved/lived so much already, you may have hit a plateau.

It's tough to settle into a family life... jeez my DH is only now getting the hang of it, and he'll be 42 at the weekend....

You have both been so busy, renovating the house, having a family. Two boys a year apart? that's a lot of work, that's a lot of stuff to go through. For anyone, you guys are not even midway through your 20s!

When I was your age (OK we barely had accessible mobile phones, internet etc) but I wasn't anywhere near settling down, lookin after myself and taking on responsibility for myself, let alone 2 kids and a spouse.

How are YOU feeling in the marriage/family? You seem to sound fulfilled and settled, is it just him that has sprung this on you, or have you had your moments of wondering what on earth it was all about? We ALL do that BTW! I've practically worn that phrase out in my head it's been thought so much!

My opinion is that you both have been working so hard to get married, to get the house done, to have the kiddies that now you are struggling to find that happy family place.

he's keeping himself busy with solitary activity, perhaps you've been busy being a mum till now etc.

Now you have got the really hard bit out of the way, you are doing your Taekwondo, enjoying the time to yourself again, which is utterly and completely understandable.

BUT!!

You both need to reconnect with each other.

You do need to switch that bloody telly off while eating and talk about his day, your day and find things to re-engage with each other.

Reaon I dont think there is anyone else, is that he said it's killing him he can't find how to reconnect with you again.

Go OUT for a meal, with friends if you have to, anything to get yourselves enjoying yourselves in each others company.. go to the cinema? at least then you'll have something to talk about over dinner...the actual film.

First step, cook him a lovely dinner, sit him down, telly off, candles on and tell him you love him and your greatest wish is to see him smile again and laugh his head off with you.

I think he needs some looking after, neither of you are old enough to lead a life revolving around telly xBox etc.

I know it was a shitty text, but perhaps it's better he sent it to you, rather than doing what so many men do, and bugger off and find someone else. so that now you both can work together to reconnect, to enjoy life and have some bloody fun! Look at this as an early warning, a light coming on to tell you that this life needs a damned good service!

Can you get a sitter?

Once a week you both need to do something together - just you and him. Date night! Best if you go out, or you could have a special dinner in, phones off, xBox off, computer off.... No MN either!!!!! grin

I don't think all is lost by any stretch of the imagination. At the moment, he's talking by text, try to get that to be talking in person, both need to listen and be calm, and want to do better for the other one.

Most important? DON'T PANIC! I'm sure you can get past this, it'll take work, but you both have so much energy to put into projects, getting your marriage back on track is the next project for you both to undertake.

cchawk Wed 07-Oct-09 21:09:28

its always incredibly difficult when you have such young children to find time for yourself, never mind with your other half. Most of us have been there with problems, some serious, some not, but lets be clear, its one thing saying 'I dont want to be with you anymore' but a whole other thing actually seeing this through with moving house, telling family/kids, sorting out finances etc.. He is telling you it is not working but not how to fix it - if you want him to stay, its down to you to make him see what he has now and what he will miss. Just remember the kids in all this whatever happens and good luck x

Lulumama Wed 07-Oct-09 21:10:49

6feetunder speaks good sense!

MunkyNuts Wed 07-Oct-09 21:24:49

Text messaging is no way to communicate such big issues, no wonder you´re feeling sad and hurt. You both need to talk face to face as calmly as possible about the way forward. I don´t think a couple necessarily have to have the same interests, but they should be interested in each other. Do you ever go out together and get a babysitter? You´re both young and need to let your hair down. Obviously raising two little ones makes that harder and you feel tired, but it might help if you can spend some quality time together. Do you think DH is feeling like he´s missing out on single life or something? Maybe you need to consider relationship counselling. I hope you find some answers and things change for the better soon.

nikki1978 Wed 07-Oct-09 21:33:08

It is sad that he sent you a text instead of having the courage to speak to you face to face but maybe that is the only way he could bring it up. Horrible idea on his part.

You need to have a very long talk about your relationship and what you are both unhappy with. You really need to spend proper time together when the kids have gone to bed too. DH and I always cuddle up on the sofa and chat.

Has he always spent the evening on the PC or is he doing it to avoid being with you? Sorry I know that sounds harsh.

With regards to the being different thing I don't think it is the end of the world. DH and I are very different in many ways. I like going out drinking, he doesn't drink and prefers to go out to dinner, he is into computers and cameras and I like reading and shopping.... but we are still madly in love. This is not what you need to concentrate on with your relationship. You need to find a way to have fun together and enjoy each others company. Maybe start a new hobby together?

Colonelcupcake Wed 07-Oct-09 22:32:34

Thank you all so much for replying, I have told him to come home and he is on his way, I can not thank you all enough for being there for me. My head is less emotional now and I am definatly going to use and think hard on what you have said.

Thank you again

squilly Wed 07-Oct-09 22:45:49

I hope you manage to sort things out. It doesn't sound hopeless by any means and I half understand him sending a text. It's a bit intimidating to face your partner/mother of your children with these big issues, especially when you've fallen into a rut. He's reaching out. It's a lame way to do it, but at least he's not shagging around or walking out of the door.

This is one of the downs people talk about when they look back at their long marriages and say, ah, there were ups and downs.

Take care and I hope this works out well for you.

SolidGhoulBrass Wed 07-Oct-09 22:52:09

WHile you;re waiting for him to come back, have a quick google around on single parent benefits etc. Information is power.
Then, when you talk to him, if he carries on with the 'I don;t love you any more' line, ask him how soon he plans to move out. Basically some men do this with no intention of actually leaving unless they are forced to, what they mean is 'I want you to carry on cooking, cleaning and raising the children, while I chase other women and enjoy myself,' and the worst mistake you can make in this situation is to demonstrate that you will do anything to keep him. Because he will accept the improved domestic service, the extra blowjobs and the desperate attention to his every whim and carry on wagging the threat of his imminent departure over your head every time you're a minute late with his cup of tea, and you will destroy yourself, because nothing is more damaging to your self esteem and utterly pointless than trying to make someone love you or stay with you when that person wants out of the relationship.

llynnnn Wed 07-Oct-09 23:05:07

poor you hope you get a chance to talk and hopefully iron out these problems.

me and dh find it so so easy to fall into the rut of tv/pc every night and not do anything else and within a couple of weeks find that we start bickering etc, we now make a conscious effort to have a night out every few weeks or spend some quality time together playing cards or just chatting

good luck to your whole family

loupiots Wed 07-Oct-09 23:34:19

It's very good that he is on his way home. It was a rubbish way to open up such an important conversation - by text!- but you could look at it as him trying.

You do both sound as if you are in a rut and it takes time and effort to get out of it. But it can be done.

Really good suggestions already posted that could help. DO turn off the TV and shut down the computer one night a week. Open a bottle of wine, make a nice dinner, get the children to bed early. Go out together if you can afford a sitter. You're both still young - you need to remember to have fun together. Family life with little ones can be a bit of a grind.

Affection, attraction, love, does wax and wane in a relationship. It happens to all of us. Don't make the mistake of thinking that
it means the end of anything. It can be the springboard for a better and deeper connection if you can both work at it. You've got time on your side. And if you can't do it on your own, do consider some counselling for both of you. It really can help. Best of luck.

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