Really confused - advice needed!!!

[AnotherHelen]

My dp 'told me' on tuesday evening that he was going to a bbq at his friends house on saturday afternoon and will probably go on til the early hours this upset me as he is always going to parties or celebrations without me! i get on well with his boss' wife Linda and this bbq on saturday is at a friend from works house - so i dont know him and dp says its a 'lad' thing anyway - which is fine but Linda has said since then that she and her husband are going and everyone at dp's work is going and taking there partners/wife so why is it that i dont get to go?? he has done this sooo many times before he even ditched me last minute on new years eve a couple of years ago saying i was making him go out partying when he didnt want to and he left me on my own on new years i then found out 2 days later that he went straight out with his friend Rich to a girl we both knows new years party - i didnt even know about this party let alone get invited - i felt so angry and sad about it!! i still do! did my friend think i knew and just didnt bother going? he must be ashamed of being with me or something! i dont know how to getto the bottom of this! my other friend and her dp have just been here and he said he would never go anywhere without michelle being with him! - so why does my dp do it - all the time?? is it me??? im so depressed about it! sorry for such a long one - just really need some help with this, what do i do?? xxx

[footprint]

I think I would be upset too! I don't have any advice I'm afraid. Have you asked your dp again why he doesn't want you to go?

Hope someone else has some good advice.

[Catsmother]

Obvious - but have you asked him yet why he's stated he's going on his own to this "lad's" BBQ when you've been reliably informed that's not the case at all ?

Sad to say, in light of his doing this several times before, you probably won't get a straight answer. I'd guess that - though it sounds harsh - he maybe feels constricted by your relationship and wants to "play" at being "single" by going to these events on his own and not having to consider anyone else, talking to whoever he wants (not that I'm saying you'd stop him doing this anyway, but if you're with someone else, & have manners, you do feel an obligation to include them too) and getting as p*ssed as he wants without fear of criticism.

Not that this is right - not at all ....

... it must feel terribly hurtful to be excluded - and lied to on top - especially when you find out that other women were also there enjoying themselves while you sat bored at home. It's bloody contemptuous IMO and don't you dare think it's because he's ashamed of you - it's because he's being incredibly immature and selfish.

The underlying & deeper issue here seems to be whether or not this man actually wants to be in a grown-up relationship at all. I know it's not a pleasant prospect but in your shoes, I'd insist on a showdown with him to confirm once and for all where I stood. If it ended up with him walking then at least I wouldn't suffer the indignity and humiliation of being banned from social events and would be free to find a real man who wanted to share things with me and who'd be proud to show me off to his friends and colleagues.

Good Luck.

[bubbly1973]

helen, have you tried to talk to your dp about it so that he actually knows how upset you are when he leaves you?

how are you when you go out with him? are you sociable or quiet?

what ever the reason, i dont think its on, its terrible behaviour and you shouldnt have to put up with it if it makes you sad which it obviously is.

i think you really need to tell him how you feel, and try to find out why he does this to you, ask him if its anything you do that makes him want to go alone

how long have you two been together? sometimes i think men dont want to go everywhere with there partners because they feel like they are commiting themselves too much, and want there independence

me and dh always go out together with his works doo, but when i go out with my mates he dont come with me, which suits me fine because he is very quiet when sober and im forever worried that he isnt enjoying himself thus making me not being able to let my hair down completly iyswim

however if he wanted to come, i would never ever say no...so imo its not on what your dp is doing

good luck

[bubbly1973]

oops, crossed posts with catmother, she has said it heaps better than me

[AnotherHelen]

Thankyou catsmother you made some good points! and it is VERY hurtful! - to be honest bubbly i have rarely been anywhere his favourite a couple of months after we first met was i dont want to go out tonight i have work tommorow and at the weekends he'd say i dont want to go out at the weekend because thats when you get all the p*s heads out causeing trouble! - doesnt leave us with much does it? - but i guarantee 100% of the time if any of his friends (most of whom are still single or casually dating) ring him and ask him if he wants to go out he's gone like a flash! he went out one night and never came back until 5am! then stayed in bed all day sleeping it off and got up at about 4pm! he quite often now says he's off out with the lads and will stay out all night and be back the next day!! why am i so tupid to put up with this? when we have been out together we have had fun, im not a very extravert (spelling??) person but i am by no means intravert either, ironically compared to dp i am very outgoing! i come from a very big and chatty family with 3 very outgoing sisters so all this being excluded from any kind of social time is very hard! he has told me "im a very beautiful girl and he feels worried if he is out with me in case some other man fancies me!!!" - i mean come on! - seriously what a load of bullsht! but i cant argue with him! he is tough to discuss things with to be honest he just acts like a child and get shouty and sulks im so fed up right now my friend said to say nothing and when he goes out on saturday to pack him some clothes and lock him out so he cant come back in until he grows up some! - i have to say im very very tempted!!!

[Fio2]

mine would have had the clothes on the front lawn by now

[ninah]

don't know about the general pattern, sounds v upsetting and I would be spitting
but as far as the BBQ is concerned I'd say, guess what Linda's going, I think I'll come with you, get a babysitter and go, have a good time

[AnotherHelen]

Hmmm i might well do that! if he acts like a dick and ignores me all day though since i dont know anyone there really except Linda and she and her dh are pretty inseperable than im just going to look like im on my own and that will just really upset me and he will say, in not so many words but basically 'why dont you just stay at home' i would love to think its because im pregnant and he doesnt want me to be around drunk people at party's but he's not one of those people he got annoyed at me the other day because i wouldnt help him carry tumble dryer from the garage!

[assumedname]

As you're so outgoing - make a point of going to the barbecue and enjoying yourself. Chat to other people, maybe get Linda to introduce you or point you in the direction of people that you might get on with.

[ninah]

socialising can be nuts when you're preg, I'm at the ignognito stage still and pple all have me down as a J2O bore
I think make an effort to enjoy yourself, you may meet some nice pple and show him you're a pleasant amusing person in your own right.
I think you need to stand up for yourself AH and not let yourself be the victim of his nasty controlling moods

[ninah]

you sound really fed up, and like you need some fun!

[lillies]

tbh, I would never have my dh treat me this way. It's ok to go out with friends, but not all the time...and personally, the idea of him staying out all night is out of order.

If my dh did this, he would only get back in the house to colect his belongings. It does not sound like you have a relationship together.

[MeerkatsUnite]

Helen,

Why can't you argue with him?.

This is controlling behaviour he is displaying here, I would be very wary indeed. He comes across as a very insecure person and shows this by using his will to keep you at home. He may be controlling you in other ways as well. Does he let you go out on your own for instance?. I am assuming a lot here but would reckon no unless you're with him.

Unless he himself is willing to change his behaviours then he is not going to change. Don't kid yourself that things will get better over time; this sort of thing often escalates into even more controlling behaviours.

[shimmy21]

Could you try calling his bluff? Say 'Oh great news darling! I've just found out that your bbq is not a blokes only thing after all. All the other partners are going too. It'll be great to go out together for a change, won't it.'

Then if he still doesn't want you to come he's going to have to come up with a prettyu serious explanation>

[Catsmother]

Helen - I agree with Meerkats, not only is he being utterly insensitive, but also very controlling. I think the remark about other blokes fancying you is quite telling - and a very poor excuse. Likewise feigned concern for you being around drunks at parties ... most people who drink at parties are usually amongst friends and out to have a good time, not to start a fight (especially with an expectant mum!)

Now you've told us your pregnant, his behaviour might also be a response to impending fatherhood & responsibility (though you say it's always gone on). I'd be even more concerned if I were you to get this sorted out once and for all. Believe me, if you feel fed up, unwanted and unloved now, you will feel even worse when you're in dire need of a good night's sleep, the baby won't stop crying and your DP has sloped off to some all night party.

This has gone to stop - one way or another. You need to assert yourself for your own sake and alos that of the baby. If he won't talk to you, does he value the relationship enough to agree to couples counselling ??

[ScrewballMuppet]

AnotherHelen agree with ninah I would go. If he gets all uppity about you going I would ask him for a good reason why you shouldn't if he can't give you one then go anyway. Place is usually full of drunks.... being one of the not so good reasons.

[haven]

sorry to hear about you sadness. when dh and i first met he would do that to me. when i was working he would go out, but when i was off and ask him to take me he would refuse to take me to certain clubs and places. he finally was honest and told me that he didn't want to meet up with his ex. as to my temper and hers as well. whether it be true or not, it made since. for you case....well does he want to be single. and how old is he?

go out without him. it may not fix the problem, but if he doesn't realize what he is doing surely he will then, but if he is perposely doing this, then he will probably get angy not jealous.

did i make scense?(how do you spell that?)
good luck

[AnotherHelen]

Good morning - i just wanted to say a huge thankyou to all of you for the advice you gave me yesterday regarding my probs with dp!! you all REALLY helped me alot! its so good to get other perspective on things sometimes isnt it as i think you can get to the point where you just cant see the woods for the trees anymore! i had to dash of last night but i did bring it up with him - i didnt go into any depth or get upset with him i just simply said that he is treating me like im just his kids mummy and someone to do his laundry and his tea! and that its very selfish of him! he just grinned at me and said 'whatever!!' we left it at that as i knew if i responded it would turn into a row and the kids where about so that was that! i know my own mind and i know he'll only push me so far before i just boot him out or take some measures to gain some control in some way (granted - ive been a doormatt for too long already!) i will probably do as you all suggest and say im going with him but im pretty sure in advance it will cause hell and he will make damn sure (in the most subtle way) that i have a crap time and end up wanting to go home! he doesnt want to be out with me i should just take the hint aye! Im soooo sorry for my constant lengthy rants - now ive put you all to sleep i'll shut up - just wanted to say thanks for all your help girls! xxx

[ninah]

'whatever'! blimey is he 15?! this is what my dss might say!
Yes, blooming well go. It will be show you which way the wind is blowing. Have a good time regardless of him, and make it the first of many. Let him sink or swim.

[ninah]

and about time he did some laundry and your tea too! grrrrr

[HappyDaddy]

Why don't you go out somewhere else, with some friends? He can spend all evening wondering how much fun YOU'RE having without HIM, then.

Arsehole (him not you).

[MeerkatsUnite]

AnotherHelen,

What a nice and mature type of response he gave - !!!!!!!!NOT!!!!!!!. He is a manchild. He is not going to change his ways unless he himself feels he has a problem (which he feels he does not). My guess also is that if you did mention something like Relate he will just laugh at you saying its you with the problems or refuse to go. You will have to make some tough decisions here with regards to him and in the end you may well decide to leave him for good.

I personally think your relationship problems run far deeper than just his blanket refusal to invite you to any function. There are also underlying power and control issues here and he is calling all the shots currently.

Also on a wider level your children are learning from all this behaviour and you're subconsciously teaching them that its allright for Mummy to be treated like this. They could very well go on to pick people just like your partner. I'm sorry if that sounds in any way harsh but its not looking at all good for you from this end.

[ninah]

I agree the pattern in this relationship is one of give and take, with someone's doing the giving and someone else doing the taking, but I don't think the answer is 'oh well leave him then' at least until AH has tried a bit of taking, and see how it goes iyswim
If it's a lost cause then, you'll know it AH but you'll feel a lot better for having asserted yourself and taken back some of the control.

[AnotherHelen]

Sorry everyone had to dash off and pick my mum up - she got stranded bless her and i ended up staying at hers for a cuppa and a nag! i think you are all right in most of what you say but i cant help but feel like i dont have the strength to confront him over these things as he is indeed very much a manchild as you nicely put it meerkatsunite, everything that i bring up he just blows way up and walks about shouting and trying to make it about me having the problem - gggrrrrrrr - is an excellent way to put it ninah yes!!! and for the record - he has no idea how the washing machine works and he only has the ability to cook oven chips and beans and thats about it! man or not you'd expect at 28 years old he'd know how to do a bit more than that! We have been to relate and your right he did try to make it about me and it took me a year to get him to go! we stopped for christmas and unfortunatley never got back to it but our names are back on the books now so we are waiting for an appointment to come up! we only had about 5 meetings before xmas so maybe it wasnt enough for us! sorry im off again! - rant rant rant

[ScrewballMuppet]

Anotherhelen refuse to cook food for him or do his laundry and every time he throws a wobbler, remain calm. Repeat what you've already said until he waves the white flag.

Agreee completely with happydaddy, go out enjoy yourself. If he's a bu**er for saying he won't mind the kids or indeed throws a wobbler make other arrangements for childcare.

No disrespect but he's obviously not worth getting upset over(easy for me to say). Just pity him during rants and raves and if he spoils the barbecue for you if you go all his work colleagues et al will see what an ass he truly is.