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Weak and scared of the end of our relationship

(15 Posts)
whygodwhy Mon 05-Oct-09 17:11:05

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 DC, my marriage is now at an end as I can no longer stand the constant extreme verbal abuse I receive, it is starting be picked up on by the DC's who are 5 and 7 with the 7 year starting to stick up for me which breaks my heart. I have repeatedly asked by DH to not be abusive in front of the children but he can't seem to help himself when cross.

The problem within our marriage is that my DH says he "will only be nice to me when I lose weight and get to a size 8 and that he deserves to be with a supermodel! and until I do he will be vile to me until I sort myself out" This is laughable when I type this as he is no God but clearly believes that he is. I can't believe I have put up with being called everyname under the sun and am ashamed to say I have been so broken as to try and get him to love me - pathetic. I feel very strongly that he should love me regardless of my weight and I am not hideous as he constantly describes me as, was a size 14 when we met, gone up to an 18 since having kids but very well groomed and glamourous (told so by friends). My self worth is through the floor and I feel like a monster.

I have finally decided that I can't do this anymore and he is being even more vile, but equally won't discuss our parting as he needs time and keeps putting off every discussion.

I hate him for what he has put me through and logically realise that he is extremely out of order, so why am I finding it so sad to walk away and am so scared of going it alone, I just simply can't understand it and kind of pathetically still want him to be nice to me.

I just want to get to a place where I don't feel that his opinion validates me.

colditz Mon 05-Oct-09 17:20:29

You don't have to discuss your parting with him. You have rights over your own life and actions and decisions.

Make the decision over what you want to do, then do it. (Personally I'd advise you to leave him, because by allowing the situation to continue you are allowing the mental abuse of your children to continue. It is VERY damaging for your children to feel they have to protect their mother from their father).

You do not have to discuss this with him. You don't even have to inform him.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

colditz Mon 05-Oct-09 17:21:25

To get the the place where you can safely disregard his opinions, you have to have some belief in your own opinions.

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Mon 05-Oct-09 18:21:52

Exactly what colditz says.

Good luck, he is an arse and you deserve better.

whygodwhy Mon 05-Oct-09 19:13:29

Thanks for your responses and I know what I have to do for my sake and the DC's, but trying to get a handle on why I feel so tied to him and why I feel so devastated?

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Mon 05-Oct-09 19:22:26

Maybe because some part of you wishes that if he didn't do this, he be alright. You can't just switch your feelings off.

It's not easy to know 100% for sure that you're doing the right thing within yourself, the doubt creeps in and he reinforces it, probably making you feel like you won't get better than him etc. He is wrong and is treating you diabolically. It is not your fault.

The realisation you have had is a good thing, you can't let someone destroy you like that.

Do you have RL support from family/friends?

whygodwhy Mon 05-Oct-09 19:28:13

Thanks, I have only last week told 2 people who have been truly horrified by his behaviour as I have been putting a complete front on this for the past 5 years, good actress I case. Telling them kind of prompted a mixture of shame and weird freedom, also a tinge of fear as he keeps telling me that I better not dare tell anyone, so kind of scared of his reaction should he find out, albeit I trust RL friends.

He has been telling me for the past 3 years that he wants out and now I have finally said he can have what he wants he has really ramped up the unpleasantness followed by periods of being nice, then bouts of telling me I can't trust any of my friends as they all talk about me behind my back, I simply don't get what on earth he is trying to achieve.

All I have asked for is that he try and be amicable for the sake of the kids, I just want some peace and to lose this sick feeling of fear and panic that I am walking around with.

Portofino Mon 05-Oct-09 19:32:35

Tell him that if feels he deserves a supermodel then he's more than welcome to go out and find one! And not to bother coming back! sad for you! You would be so much happier without him!

whygodwhy Mon 05-Oct-09 20:19:55

God I wish I had the strength to be harsh back, but I seem to be this quaking jelly when in front of him.

poshsinglemum Mon 05-Oct-09 22:12:36

Tell him to piss off please for your own good.He is a vile bully. Sounds like he deserves a kick in the balls not a super model.

poshsinglemum Mon 05-Oct-09 22:17:12

How dare he say he will only be nice if you were a size 8. Even if you were a size 8 he's still be vile. Go to Woman's aid I would. you sound scared of him. he's an abusive knob. It will only get worse. You shouldn't be dreading your own husband's company. The kids will suffer if you stay. Hugs and

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 05-Oct-09 22:19:52

What a shitbag of a man! Please consider: he is extremely inadequate, and the only way he can feel good about himself is by torturing you, becauase deep down he knows he's an unattractive, unappealing unpleasant loser. That's pathetic and disgusting.
For all his threats to leave, he won't, because what he wants is for you to scurry around servicing him and desperately trying to please him. He doesn't 'deserve a supermodel' and he doesn't deserve you. He's not fit to have a relationship with anything other than his right hand.

abedelia Mon 05-Oct-09 22:33:49

Hmm, I know what delusional 'Brad Pitt' here deserves, and it is not a supermodel hmm... far from it: more like a kick up the arse!

I think it's time you took control - like most bullies I bet he will not know what hit him if you get to a solicitor and present him with your rights as well as the fact you are off.

PS. Well done for bringing up children who know an abusive arse when they hear one and are not afraid of speaking up. You should be very proud of that, for a start.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Mon 05-Oct-09 23:19:09

Please call womansaid? I know you are scared, i know you think you can't do it.

You are scared and thinking you are weak because of what this 'man' has done to you. He's chipped and chipped and chipped off bits of your self-esteem, till there is almost nothing left.

I say almost, cos there is still some there, hanging on in there, you've reached out to us, your 2 friends etc.

Call womans aid and do what they suggest you do, keep talking to us, post as often as you can and there will always be someone here to hold your hand, listen or try to help you put things into perspective.

Your eldest will be on your side, and will understand. i suspect the 5yo will appreciate the change to a more peaceful life and a happy mummy.

Come on girl! You can do this!

whygodwhy Tue 06-Oct-09 14:33:49

God, thank you so much for such supportive messages, your outraged reactions really do make me see that his behaviour is so shocking and the "he doesn't hit me and is generous with money" logic I have used in the past to make me think it's not that bad is ridiculous.

I am going to take control of this situation and constantly remind myself that albeit I am bruised and a bit crushed, the old me still exists and I won't allow this treatment of me to go on any longer.

Thank you all again so so much.

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