How can I get on with other women?

[newMNer]

Hi. Sorry this is long, and I'm quite new to this site.
I've have struggled with this all my life and I feel constantly 'gutted' that I just can't seem to 'fit in'.
I'm, as a lot of men say, very female, although I do have a logical mind. I'm not hugely expressive when it comes to emotions, but I do deeply feel them, and empathise with others massively.
I think my issue could be to do with the fact I had no mother and only brothers, and I had no other females in my life. I then went to college and was the only girl on my course. I was one of two girls on my Uni course (she was very popular, I wasn't!) and then every job I've had, I've been the only female.
I do try to get on with women, but I can honestly say, there are no women in my life who I can call and go for a drink with. I see others meet and form friendships with each other, but I just seem to be left at the small talk stage, and sometimes it degrades into nothing at all and I'm ignored.
I do think there's something wrong with me, but I just don't know what. It's really getting me down as I feel very alone. I have some male friends, but when they get married or heavily involved in a relationship, I understandably get pushed aside. For some reason a lot of people think you're sleeping with men when you're just friends with them.

Anyway, I'm getting very down now about it. I have 3 children, including a baby and I spend every single day, evening and night alone, when my partner's not here, which is a lot. Yet I'm a friendly, sociable person and very much interested in a lot of things women are.

My brothers live far away and I still feel very much like a stranger to this town, after being here 9 years.
I don't want to be this alone for the rest of my life, but I also don't want to seem desperate! I just want to belong to a social group, and would love to be able to fit in with other women. Any advise would be great. If not, then at least I've got it off my chest for today.

[moondog]

You need to join in some activities. Do you volunteer at school or playgroup or Sunday school? Go to classes of some sort with them? Do night classes? Join WI? You need to be brave and make the effort. Friends don't loom out of nowhere.
When I moved to a new area, my new friends came about because of this sort of stuff as well as joining village committees and so on.

[newMNer]

Yes I joined the school PTA (tho struggled after having baby), went to some classes, toddler group, etc. I meet women, but they don't seem too interested in me after a few chats. Maybe I'm too serious, boring, who knows! I'm definately thinking those things about myself.
I guess I have to wait though, because I can't arrange anything on a regular day (like clubs, classes, etc) as partner works shift patterns that make it impossible.
But I see other mums meeting mums and after a few weeks they're like best mates, with me, after a few weeks it's like we've never spoken. And I do make effort.

[moondog]

Some people make friends quickly maybe because they aren't that fussy about who they mix with. Others perhaps hold out for deeper more meanigful friendships. I try and go for both bearing in mimd we have different friends for different things.The people I do sport with regularly for example are in no way the people I wpould choose to spend an evening out with but that doesn't mean I don't like them.

Maybe get a babysitter? My dh is away for long periods of time and I work which gets me out but I need more so have a babysitter permanenty booked twice a week.

[Restrainedrabbit]

You are not alone, I'm more at ease with men than women however I do now have good female friends [single]

How would you describe yourself? What do you like to talk about? Hobbies? Do you have daughters?

[Restrainedrabbit]

Err don't know why I typed 'single' I meant !

[PixiNanny]

I find it hard to mix with other women too. I get along much better with men, mainly because I find that they are less bitchy and snipey, I hate that about other women, along with the grudges held against people when guys just punch one another then it's all over

Join clubs that interest you, or maybe something you've never tried before

[mummee09v]

hiya,

you are not the only one!!!! i really struggle making friends with women too (see my school run thread haha) - i do have a few very close women friends who i love to pieces, we would do anything for eachother. but i have known them years and years and i would like some new ones too but like you i find it hard.

i am 29 now and have encountered this problem nearly all my life, not fitting in with women. i was badly bullied by girls at secondary school (although did have a nice group of girl friends who were all similar "misifts" and also, sadly got the same treatment). then at most places i have worked i have encountered bitchiness and unfriendliness from women, one job i had to leave because 2 women were making my life a misery.

and i have to say i have NEVER encountered such bitching or nastiness from men, they have only ever been nice to me but then its hard to be friends with men because people assume they just want to shag you! haha. altho one of my best friends is a bloke - admittedly a gay one! lol.

i am a stay at home mum at the moment but thining of going back to work as we want to buy a house, but quite honestly, the thought terrifies me because of my previous experiences

[Restrainedrabbit]

Maybe we should all meet up

[sugardumpling]

In the same boat here too! I have one really good female friend who I see regularly (although she lives quite far away). Ive known her for years. There are other women I talk to and get on ok with but I wouldn't class them as friends really.
As i've got older I find it easier to talk to other women at playgroups ect but I just can't seem to maintain new friendships, don't know if its because I feel a bit uncomfortable with the situation and am not a natural mixer so I give of vibes that I don't mean to?

[LumpyChump]

I'm the same too. I have a few female friends but not a group of girls I could call up and arrange a girly night out.

I've always struggled with confidence in some ways. Recently though I've been pushing away the few friends I do have which could be down to P but (as some friendly MN advice suggests) I could be depressed.

I struggle in the playground. I see groups of women all saying things like " OK, see you later" and "are you going to the party on Saturday" and "yeah come around for a cuppa" etc etc. But saying that, I work 4 days a week and have always worked after having DCs so I'm only at the playground to drop DCs off in the mornings and one/two days to pick them up .

Anyway, where in the UK are we all, RRabbit could be right, maybe we could all meet .

I'm South Wales area.......

[SolidGhoulBrass]

It's very hard to make friends on the grounds of proximity when you don;t have a great deal in common with the rest of them - I have had problems with this myself. The best way, as others have said, is to join a club/society that's about something, whether that's a wine apprecation class, a salsa dancing club or a book group - choose something that suits your own interests and tastes. Oh, and talk about your DH lots and flash your wedding ring, mundane women are often frightened of other women who may be single.

[Restrainedrabbit]

I agree, common interests are the way to go - gives you something to discuss.

[mummee09v]

LOL. it would be great if we all lived near eachother! i'm in leicestershire - think south wales would be a bit of a trek for a meet up haha!

xx

[womblemeister]

Hi NewMNer. Believe me you are not alone with this.

Have you tried parties? (as in giving them). I realise with a small baby this might be easier said than done, but Hallowe'en is approaching and kids love Hallowe'en.

[chickbean]

I think that a lot of it is down to confidence - it sounds as though you may have lost a bit of yours (and that can become a downward spiral making you a bit more desperate about things) - and demographics have loads to do with it too.

Where I used to live I found it so easy to make friends - found a couple of women who became really good friends just by chatting to them on the bus and in the street. Since I moved I really lost confidence - didn't feel that I had as much in common with the women I was meeting here (younger mothers, more smartly dressed, less "Liberal") - and also, I was no longer the "established" one. Kept trying though and, after two years, feel that I am starting to get there.

There is nothing wrong with you at all - just that you are not really on the same wavelength. Unless you are really feeling a connection with the women that you are chatting to and feeling disappointed that they don't feel the same way, I should just keep trying to meet people who do have more in common with you - I am sure it will happen! Good luck!

[newMNer]

Thanks for your responses. Yes, maybe when you lose confidence you start to become less approachable. I might be friendly and say hi to everyone, plus do small talk, but maybe I give the impression that, that's all I want, or maybe I've given off the wrong impression of me in general. I often have people come to me to tell me their troubles and of course, I listen and if they want, I sometimes advise. In fact, I did have a female 'thought was friend' who practically relied on me for that, until everything started to improve in her life, and then I was ignored. But never was I invited out socially, despite the fact I knew each and everyone who was in her group, also despite the fact I knew some of them for the same amount of time as she did. When I became pregnant, that was my "friend's" excuse to never invite me out again. The kids all miss each other tho which is a shame.

I also had someone else I thought was a friend, but after a year of having her daughter almost live with me, while she enjoyed a new relationship, I realised I didn't see her at all, she'd just collect her daughter and tell me she had to rush! or I'd deliver her daughter to school the next day. I don't see her at all now, even when she was home for a couple of weeks in the Summer doing nothing.

There are more examples. I just feel like I end up advising and then seen as someone a bit too serious. Also, one of the women I mentioned above told me she sees me as her friend who she can talk about 'deeper' things with. But I guess she meant she doesn't see me as someone she'd want to invite out while she goes out and gets slaughtered. It's almost like she wanted me to only see the well-behaved mumsy side to her.

In the last 4 years, I've been through a separation and divorce. Long story, but my ex was disappointed with his choice of wife from soon after we got together and had our son. I did the divorce myself and left him with everyone, knowing it'll go to my two older kids one day! But I struggled with many issues, some still ongoing until very recently. So maybe I was a miserable cow! I must admit I did sometimes seem bogged down with issues. So how do I give off the impression I'm no longer a miserable cow?

Still, where I now live is extremely cliquey, so it would have been difficult for most anyway. Even my poor little 6 yr old daughter can't make any friends here, especially with girls, and the boys are fickle. Though my son's having no problem at all. We moved here 2 yrs ago, and it seems all the mums and kids hang out together. You often see huge groups of kids being brought to school or collected by each others' parents, and they're all 'best friends' My daughter tells me they wont play with her because they're best friends. It's the same at the toddler group, which I will persevere with now my baby's about to start becoming a little mobile.

I was thinking after reading some posts, maybe I do need to find someone who can get to know my baby, and then become a regular baby sitter. I don't know anyone who could do that yet though. But, then I could go to dance class or something, as right now I can't go anywhere. My partner and I get invited to things now and then as he knows a lot of people (but he only has one friend despite almost everyone in town knowing him as his dad was the local GP), anyway, I can never go, because I have no-one to look after the baby, so he goes alone most of the time (which isn't a lot!).

But, my other issue is, one of the women I thought was a friend, who I babysat for all the time, well she knew some of the mums just as I did, and she's never at the school due to her work, but she was invited to 'wet the baby's head' by a woman who lives in my road, who I talk to - who I sent a card to and sometimes meet in the street and ask her how her little one is doing, etc. Also, we're all on facebook. But, I am never invited to anything. It does leave me wondering what's going on - there are many more examples. Maybe I've annoyed them? I don't know though! I wouldn't mind if I was told, as I can take criticsm, if it's helpful. I would like to know what to do, but not sure how to find out. But I definately do see others turn up and make friends with people who I always chat to - while I continue to be ignored.

Outwardly I'm calm about it all, though this message probably doesn't give that impression. And actually, I feel better just writing it all down.

About parties, I did think about it, but y'know, I'd be worried no-one would turn up!
Sorry that was very long, rambly, all over the place, etc. Best get back to baby! Maybe it is a wavelength thing.

[Buddy80]

NewMMNER

I did not want to read and run, but this sounds all so familiar. I've experienced similar on ocassions and I also know others who have.

Must dash, will write more to you later.

[odearyme]

Hi, I've been reading this with interest too. I'm also in Leicestershire, and would be up for a meet up!

[mollyroger]

oh mate, I feel your pain! I am not tomboyish to look at, I like to look nice and wear make up, but I am quite tomboyish by nature. I'm crap at small talk with women and I am not easily pigeonholed neatly, which some women hate. I am not flirty but I do like male company generally more then women. I like sci-fi and philosophy and loud music and motorbikes and being outdoors and being physical and puerile jokes and pints and really black humour and joshing with people.
I have noticed all the mums organising get togethers and ''girls' nights outs'' and not been invited.
I have managed, over time, to sort of sense a similar aura about other women. Sometimes I get it wrong and swear too much to the wrong sort of person, but generally I do ok! I even have some very girly friends who seem to like me in spite of our huge differences

[newMNer]

Thanks for your replies... I guess I want to learn and develop as a person, nothing wrong with that is there? especially as my little girl isn't making friends either, as we're not included.

I too am into sci-fi, philosophy and used to ride a motorbike until recently. I look girly and before I had my 3rd baby, I dressed well. But I never wear makeup. Inside I am tomboyish too though. Still its not beyond me to enjoy the more feminine things - given a chance. I've never had much trouble with boyfriends though which is good.

Was just watching that ITV program - loose women, and they were talking about facial expressions giving away what you're feeling. Maybe I've just had the wrong facial expressions! I have been told I'm quite expressive.

[Buddy80]

LOL - thats a start. Practise with these

Do you think you will continue to help and provide advice? Or have you learnt from it?

[newMNer]

Buddy80, I agree - it is ME! like you say it's YOU.
I read a book once something to do with men liking bitches over door mats and in a way I think it can apply to female-female friendships too - maybe? The book isn't as extreme as it sounds, so it's not talking about nasty women v really soft women. The concept is interesting though. I've often seen women, who honestly do nothing but slate each other, but post on Facebook all these lovey dovey messages to each other, arrange nights out, saying how they love each other so much, etc., but criticise the hell out of each other behind their backs. But they are really popular! I realise you don't need to be quite like that, but not sure what makes someone bother with one woman over another, as in, when two women turn up, say new to an area and one seems to be included very quickly and the other not at all (me!). But you're right, it's probably best to be less helpful, especially when you hardly know them at the beginning. I've also had the same problem with my brothers - always been very very helpful to them, but ignored by them when their live's are OK. So yes it's me! But the damage has been done already, how do you turn that around so people suddenly see you as a worthy mate to add to their social circle when they already decided you're not their cuppa tea!?

I've also noticed that girls who are less confident, more vulnerable, talk openly about their latest thing that they're a bit scared of doing, and just very open emotionally end up popular too. Maybe girls don't think I 'need' them! I dunno, just thoughts.

Just talking to you guys is making me feel less down about it. But, I'm very curious and do want to try to sort it out as I do see it as a problem.