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I need to be nicer to people (family mostly) - how?

(17 Posts)
hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 11:55:51

I am perfectly nice and considerate to friends etc - it's just my nearest and dearest that cop it sad.

Dh is a lovely but hugely exasperating man with no emotional intelligence / subtlety etc and his does irritate me immeasurably sometimes..and I rant at him. Ranting isn't fair and I keep meaning not to and promising myself to approach him differently but keep failing and lapsing into rant mode. I grew up in a ranting household and it is tricky to 'unlearn' it

Sometime - mercifully not often - I do it to the children too sad sad.

I say some awful things when in rant mode (because I am bubbling over with rage)

It really does seem to be quite an entrenched response in me but I would dearly like to change it, so that when dh and the children have done something that really bothers me, I can address it calmly and constructively.....

What works for you?

cornsilk Sun 04-Oct-09 11:56:55

I do that too hmc.

hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 12:01:56

Does it make you feel awful and want to change cornsilk?

cornsilk Sun 04-Oct-09 12:05:47

Sometimes yes.

OrdinarySAHM Sun 04-Oct-09 13:14:23

So you are keeping tight control of yourself and your feelings around most people but when you are with the ones who you trust the most to still love you whatever you do, your feelings spill out.

Where did these feelings originate though? Probably not with your DH and DCs! If you can work out where the feelings are coming from you might be able to deal with them without having to vent them on your DH and DCs.

moondog Sun 04-Oct-09 13:18:07

Don't delve into pseudo psychological issues and resons.
Just be nicer and stop shouting/berating.
Simple as that.

coldcase Sun 04-Oct-09 13:45:53

Speak to them in the way you would like to be spoken to if it were you in their shoes.

Or do as I do and pretend you have a TV camera crew in the house filming you!!

hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 13:48:17

If only it was that simple Moondog. I've frequently decided to make real efforts to be more patient and accomodating, but 'forget' and lapse, repeatedly

The kind of people who can make a commitment to radically change their behaviour and then stick with it consistently (rather than keep failing at it) are few and far between ime. Well done to you if you fall into that bracket - I genuinely wish I did.

There might be some tried and tested strategies that I could use that have worked for others, hence my reason for posting

hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 13:50:09

"So you are keeping tight control of yourself and your feelings around most people but when you are with the ones who you trust the most to still love you whatever you do, your feelings spill out."

It's not so much about me keeping tight control over my feelings around others - it's just that i don't live with them so there is less exposure to them and less 'stuff' to get wound up by

moondog Sun 04-Oct-09 13:58:13

The Motivaider is a really invaluable tool for effecting behaviour change which I use a lot in both work and at home. A hell of a lot cheaper and far more effective than therapy.

My professional filed is effective long lasting behaviour change.

Good luck.

smile

hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 14:02:01

That's interesting Moondog - and you personally vouch for it. Doesn't seem overtly expensive so worth a try.... not got much to lose ...Thank you

moondog Sun 04-Oct-09 14:04:59

They're great and so simple.
You bascially pair it with a thought and then set the vibration to go off on a variable interval, so when it does, you are reminded 'Be nice to those around me'.

I use it for things such as slumping, listening, making eye contact, nail biting, making positive comments, asking questions (not all for me I hasten to add!). It's fantastic.

If you do get one, please let mek now how you get on.It can't change your behaviour (only you can do that) but it is in essence, the little person sitting on your shoulder prodding you at regular intervals to do the thing you are trying to commit to doing.

hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 14:19:27

I will get one Moondog. A little reminder, at regular intervals, of the commitment I have made sounds like it really could help. It could pull me up short mid rant I reckon...or stop me before I go off the rails....and once the new behaviour (i.e. being more considerate and patient) is there, it will eventually become second nature.

moondog Sun 04-Oct-09 14:26:56

Exactly
It's about turning a nebulous wish into a concrete reality and an integral part of your behavioural repertoire.

hmc Sun 04-Oct-09 14:29:12

Absolutely.

Looking forward to trying it out - placing order now smile

GoppingOtter Sun 04-Oct-09 14:32:04

also about habit
i started changing when i realised i only get one shot at parenting and i kept feeling guilt

guilt is pointless to a degree but it did make me aware of what i was doing wrong

hmc you already see where the problem is

you cant change overnight - start with a lighthearted quip after a rant sort of ' but despite all that you are still great and i love you' and try to build on that

at the end of a day think about how you have been and analyse stuff - the next day try to work on that area...

GoppingOtter Sun 04-Oct-09 14:34:16

wow that motive aider sounds ace

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