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Don't know if I'm coming or going, feel very down.....

(25 Posts)
LumpyChump Sun 04-Oct-09 11:43:15

I've posted a few times on here before. Had lots of great advice and messages of encouragement.

Well I'm still in the relationship.

I've planned my exit, got things in place, been 100% ready in my mind. Trouble is I couldn't say it to him and then about 3 weeks ago I started doubting it to myself and have started looking at him differently and realised that a lot of our problems are me. He still has a terrible temper, he kicked off last night over something small.

I've started being scared about being on my own. I've started wanting his affection again and believe everything he says and make changes if I need to.

I lost lots of weight last year when I was building myself to leave and in the last 6 months have really struggled to maintain it and it's piling back on.

I have had one meeting with a counsellor and found it hard trying to explain my thoughts and feelings to her and think it all came out wrong because the advice she gave me seemed strange and unconnected to me.

When I was geared up to go I made time for my friends and went out more (to P's disagreement/disgust). Now I keep finding excuses not to see them and don't feel like going out.

I feel like everyone looks at me and that people laugh at me.

I only go out now to work and food shopping. When he's at work I just sit in my pyjamas and laze around with the DCs watching rubbish and falling asleep.

I still keep the house clean and tidy as P would go mad if he came home and found me slobbing around with dishes in the sink! So I guess he keeps me in check of things.

This all probably sounds confusing to read. I'm so confused myself. For so long I was sure I wanted to be on my own and believed I deserve better. Now I'm sure I still love P but feel so down all the time and always on the verge of tears.

I don't think anyone would want me anyway. I've got a horrible wrinkly tummy and P tells me it's fine so he accepts it as part of me.

I read stories of women being beaten black and blue and sort of feel like I should be thankful for what I have.

I've been to Dr and he didn't want to give me anti-ds and he said that would make me feel numb and unable to feel any emotion to make decisions.

Won't be able to afford many more counselling sessions. The Dr did refer me and the letter came but I think P threw it away, I've asked him and he got annoyed that I thought he had but I can't find it.

I'm getting really lazy, snappy, miserable, unsociable but I think I want to stay with P.

Sorry I know this all sounds mad and you will think I'm losing it.

LumpyChump Sun 04-Oct-09 11:48:15

Even think I want another DC with him. Think this might make things better for us?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 04-Oct-09 12:26:05

Well, I'm not a doctor or a counsellor, and I don't know you, of course, but I am a human being with eyes and ears and a (rather fuzzy) brain, and what screams out at me from your post is that you are suffering from depression, and that your Dr is a total barking idiot. The symptoms you describe are completely textbook depression, right down to dozing off in your pyjamas during the day! This is a recognised clinical condition, you aren't just "losing it". ADs are not the answer to everything, but it sounds to me as if they would help you - they definitely wouldn't hinder in the way your Dr suggests. Oh yes, I've been there...

May I suggest you contact the Drs again and tell them the counselling letter went astray? Surely they can give you a copy or at least read out to you what it said, so you don't have to miss out on counselling just for a missing piece of paper.

I also strongly suggest you get a second opinion from a different Dr if possible.

No, having another baby will not make things better. It never does. It strains the best, strongest relationships and adds PND, sleepless nights and an extra financial burden to all your other problems. Now is not a good time. You need to sort out what's afflicting you first, really. You need to be in a better emotional place to look after and love a baby as you know you need to. This is of course only my personal opinion, which is all I'm qualified to offer.

LumpyChump Sun 04-Oct-09 12:58:21

Thanks Annie. My mum and sister suffer with depression. My mum has been on seroxat (sp?) for years. I never have but I've never felt like this before. I've never felt such confusion. My head never feels clear. It feels clogged with thousands of thoughts that all need attention but I can never concentrate on just one as another pushes in.

I love my DCs dearly. I desperately want them to be happy and the more I try to be better for them the worse I seem to feel sad??

fandango75 Sun 04-Oct-09 13:05:48

Lumpychump I don't have any advice (but think angiegetyourgun has put it very well) i just feel for you and wanted to say good luck with everything

evaangel2 Sun 04-Oct-09 13:07:45

Annie is right, It seems to me that you have spent a long time being beaten down (not literally in the physical sense)but in the emotional way, the courage to leave may come in fits and starts but then you sink into being controlled again, this may be your defense mechanism to cope, do you think that things may get better with dh, would relate help?
hugs to you x

Anniegetyourgun Sun 04-Oct-09 13:45:27

I'm sure you're doing better with your children than you feel you are. You feel worthless and useless at the moment but you're not - you're really not. Trouble is, you're in a place where you can't just will yourself to feel better for their sakes. You do need help. And it really doesn't sound as if your H is going to be that helpful. In fact he's very likely the root cause of your depression. Being grateful he has a go at you to keep the house tidy is a pretty low place to be, you know. As for not physically beating you, bruises on the soul don't show but they are the most painful and take longest to heal.

groundhogs Sun 04-Oct-09 16:20:44

Agree with Annie, sounds like Depression to me - almost exactly how I had it..

You've taken a very important and positive step in posting, please keep doing that, it's like talking, the next best thing to engaging with others in RL.

There's plenty of us here, and i know that we're all only too happy to help you whenever you need to talk. How about posting whenever you can? Could you manage to post most days? Good mood state or bad mood state, it doesn't matter, there will always be someone here that knows exactly what you are feeling like and they might help you find the key you need to get yourself out of that black hole.

Go back to the Drs, and don't give up. Don't give up until you have medicine that is working, until you are offered counselling. Consider telling the Dr about your OH having thrown away the letter... it's significant.

What you have is serious, can be life threatening, but is also treatable. NONE of it is your fault, not one second of it.

For the love of God, please don't let ANYONE try to sabotage or stand in the way of you getting help. Could you ask one of your RL friends for help, hold your hand at Drs etc?

Wishing you all the very best, rooting for you. You CAN do it, you will get better from this, promise. I did.

LumpyChump Mon 05-Oct-09 11:03:54

Hi all, thanks for your messages.

I feel so frustrated in lots of ways at the moment. I just don't seem to want to face any sort of confrontation. I don't want to make anyone unhappy so find myself lying. In work the other day there was a group of about 6 teenagers all being loud and making a mess and smoking etc and I sit on reception so got up to lock the door. My boss came in and I told them the group had been there for about 30 mins and he opened the door and went out and told them to move away. I sat at my desk with my hands on my ears - how pathetic is that!! So childish.

I used to be a happy, bubbly person with the drive to go out and do things. I'm so different now. It scares me.

Not sure if Relate would help. The other day my P and had an argument, he came down the stairs and grabbed a piece of paper and wrote "lumpychump is a dick" and said "show that to your quack". He laughed and said it was a joke but it hurt my feelings a bit as I think the quack bit was serious? Perhaps I'm just really sensitive, I dunno?

Lolabelle Mon 05-Oct-09 12:41:06

Listen as someone who has had depression amongst many other mental health issues blush you need to seek help, if your Dr is not tuning into what you feel then go to another one and maybe print off this thread if you find yourself clamming up when asked what your symptoms are. You need help in the form of counselling or anti depressants or a carefully prescribed combination of both. You need to sort your own issues out before you go to Relate as if you aren't in tune with what you feel and what you want then you can't possibly know whether you even want to save the relationship or digress into what you feel the problems are.
Your self esteem is at an all time low and sometimes its hard to see the wood for the trees in situations like this, yes your dh is being a dick but don't even focus on him at the moment you need to focus on you and getting better and only then will you find the inner strength to know what to do.

Make the call to the Dr now and tell them how bad things have got, they have an obligation to hep you and you have an obligation to your children and to yourself to get better and enjoy life, you only get one stab at it so don't allow yourself to sink any further. Good luck honey x

NanaNina Mon 05-Oct-09 12:41:55

Dear Lumpychump - I think you are getting excellent advice on here from Annie,Evangel and Groundhogs. I totally agree and I too have suffered from depression. I also think that your P is most probably the root cause of your emotional distress - he sounds like he has sapped any self esteem that you had and his latest trick of writing that note is truly horrible. I think he has a lot invested in keeping you down and it sounds very likley that he got rid of your letter. Men like him are actually quite threatened by women who become assertive and so it is intheir best interests to try to keep you in a low emotional state as that will increase your dependency on him which is just what he wants.

I think it's agreat pity that you drew back from leaving as I suspect this is the only way you will find any peace of mind. I know however how difficult it is and in your present state it would be even more difficult. It sounds to me like you are afraid of your P - forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds that way and I wonder if that is why you are now becoming dependent on him again, as it's easier than facinghim with the truth about how you feel about your relationship. Your feelings are as important as his and you have a right to express yurself and take action to give you and your children a better life.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh or if I am on the wrong track. Your self esteem is very low and you are emotionally distressed. Medication might help but really you need some good counselling I think. I would urge you to try to get this kind of help and really really hope that things improve for you.

NanaNina Mon 05-Oct-09 12:45:18

Oh and stop calling yourself lumpychump - that could be the first step in gaining a little self esteem!

NanaNina Mon 05-Oct-09 12:45:49

Oh and stop calling yourself lumpychump - that could be the first step in gaining a little self esteem!

NanaNina Mon 05-Oct-09 12:46:16

sorry didn't mean to post that twice!

Lolabelle Mon 05-Oct-09 14:21:54

Agree on calling yourself Lumpychump, it smacks of low self esteem and its a weeny step but an easy first one so change it!! smile

CuppaT Mon 05-Oct-09 15:31:04

Changed my name smile!

CuppaT Mon 05-Oct-09 15:36:07

I'll make an appointment to see Dr again.

He is a good Dr but, like the counsellor, I don't think I explained myself well. I feel like I'm wasting his time when I'm sat there talking. Like I don't have a 'real' problem and my problems are minor compared to others.

I feel guilty for feeling so down.

The Dr signed me off work for a week when I saw him (about 3 weeks ago now). Have to go to work as can't afford not to, I feel like I just want to take the DCs to school, come home and climb back in to bed.

Lolabelle Mon 05-Oct-09 20:24:38

As someone who had a year off work with mental illness i know that feeling, tbh though it didn't really help as i lost focus, sometimes getting out there even if a crappy job like i had helped but only you and your dr will be bale to work through that, i had an appalling counsellor who i couldn't talk to exceppt i didn't realise she was appalling as i was a therapy virgin! I know have a great counsellor who i only see about 4 times a year as i have resolved my issues to a degree but i recognise so well those feelings of emptiness and its dangerous as i tried to fill them with potential affairs, alcohol and eating disorders, you name it, until i realised that actually life is too short to waste being unhappy. I needed to make changes in my life and you need someone to help you realise what you feel and why you feel it and how you can change these feelings and start feeling positive. I urge you to tell the dr even that you can't explain yourself very well but are frightenend of your mental state, explain you just want to crawl into bed daily and don't let yourself be brushed off. Please do this as you will only spiral downwards and it only gets worse. When you start feeling happy and positive again you will kick yourself for the time you wasted in seeking help - theres a fab life out there for you waiting you just need to have the confidence to reach forward, seek help and grab out at it x

evaangel2 Tue 06-Oct-09 06:35:31

Yes, one of the classic signs of depression, just wanting to crawl back into bed, not get dressed was a symptom for me. I spent 5 days in bed just crying earlier this year and dh told me to go back to my gp.My depression was related to 2 MC's in less than 12 months, stress, money worries etc
I think you need a more understanding gp,than the one you have been seeing.

Like the others have said, seek help, dont feel guilty in doing this, you have as much of a right as anyone else.

keep us posted smile to how your getting on

Anniegetyourgun Tue 06-Oct-09 13:18:29

That's a great new name btw. Everyone loves a nice cup of tea!

CuppaT Tue 06-Oct-09 15:25:54

Thank you. I've been in work today and my boss is getting a bit frustrated with me. I'm like a wet sock. I keep making really silly but significant mistakes and he's noticing.

Can anyone explain why I feel so bad inside but in front of my P I'm happy and nice and act as though I have a perfect life? Why can't I show him how much I'm hurting? Why can't I offload some shit onto him?

Lola - I too have been on the brink of having potential affairs, kind of looking for a knight in shining armour, you know? I often hear of stories where so-and-so met so-and-so when in an awful relationship and now they are forever happy - wish that could happen to me sad but I know, I know, seeking/having an affair is wrong and not the answer. Clutching at straws I guess.

I've not told this to anyone in RL but I've been lying in bed and wishing I'd get ill, something serious but treatable - oh my god, I feel awful for admitting it, my DCs are amazing, they deserve more than a mum who wants to be FFS sad

CuppaT Tue 06-Oct-09 15:27:06

*a mum that wants to be ill FFS*

giveloveachance Tue 06-Oct-09 15:56:19

I think you cant talk to him as you are uncertain that you would be heard sympathetically. If you felt comfortable with him, you would be able to tell him your troubles and know that he would listen and help you. so, like the others have said, it may be that the unhappiness you feel, the low self esteem, stems from an unfulfilling relationship. If you want to stay with him, you both need help.

Its great you are keeping going with your job, and the shopping and the children as you can tell yourself everyday that you CAN cope and you are doing the best you can even when you are feeling so very low. I dont work at its damn hard just to do the shopping and child care - so I can say to you that holding down a job too makes you very capable in my eyes.

Now is the time to get better help from your DR.

Sounds like your DP likes you quiet and compliant - doing the housework so he wont shout is not helpful or nice of him.

I've been on anti ds they did not make me feel numb, but they did take away the worst of the lows and i felt on an even keel and was able to set myself small achievable targets each day and I was able to stop beating myself up and calling myself lazy snappy etc all the things you are calling yourself - so stop it right now!!!

As for feeling you are wasting the DRs time - you are not - I felt like taht and felt guilty each time i went in to see her, but i think that is usual when you are depressed. You have an illness and a right to be treated so dont feel you are wasting the Drs time, you are not.

Is there anyway you could manage for a while longer finanically so that you could take a longer rest from work? Could anyone come into help you with the DCs so you could really rest and get some time to yourself?

You will get better and along the way you will discover what made you feel this way and what in your life you want to keep and what you don;t want to.

Your kids love you and I am sure they know you love them too. Tell them you are feeling sad and the sadness makes you tired and that you love them, they might amaze you with ways to help you on the road to be happy again.

CuppaT Tue 06-Oct-09 16:10:27

Thank you GLAC, what you say makes sense and I know you are right.

I think I'm managing work because its not particularly taxing, it's the same stuff everyday and my boss is often out with clients so I'm on my own quite a bit. My boss can be hard work and on those days I've cried in the loos by myself and felt like I could stand up and walk out or shout at him, neither of which I've done but goes to show how fragile I am!

I'm not sure I could take more time off. The guilt of letting work down would make me feel worse TBH.

giveloveachance Tue 06-Oct-09 16:22:35

You would not be letting work down, depression is an illness - would your boss expect you to come in with a broken leg? Please stop feeling guilty, remember you are doing the best you can.

Maybe if you had more to do at work, more variety and something a bit more challenging then that would help you feel better about yourself?

got to dash now, but my thoughts are with you.

you will get through this.


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