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I am considering leaving dp over his lack of interest in sex and affection

(32 Posts)
pandaiis Sat 03-Oct-09 20:46:00

Is it a totally daft reason to leave someone over?

The past few years our sex life has gone down the pan. At the moment we are lucky to have sex once every 1-2 months which really isn't enough for me as I have a high sex drive. Last time we managed the deed he told me 'to hurry up as he couldn't really be bothered and was tired' hmm

He thinks I place too much importance on sex (I probably do a bit) but we've talked and I've explained it's the closeness and intimacy I miss more than anything. He said sex isn't important to him.

He's not affectionate in any way. I can't even remember the last time we kissed. The more he rebuffed me, the more I've drawn myself away from him and it's put a wall between us that I don't know how to bring down.

Last week I talked to him about how it's tearing us apart but he's done nothing about it. I'm a really tactile person, my whole family is, and I hate being in a relationship where there's no touching or cuddling. It feels strange and unnatural to me.

There's nothing wrong with him physically. I've caught him on watching porn loads of times so it's not like he doesn't feel the need. Just not with me.

I don't know what to do as he's a good, kind man in every other way.

Maggie34Behave Sat 03-Oct-09 20:50:30

omg, hurry up! after you'd waited a month!?!?

is he gay?!

pandaiis Sat 03-Oct-09 20:59:24

Definately 100% not gay

cheekysealion Sat 03-Oct-09 21:01:08

could you watch the porn together?

Maggie34Behave Sat 03-Oct-09 21:04:05

I think he's recatagorised you in his brain to being a sister or something... don't know what to suggest. I don't think leaving him for this reason would be ridiculous. Don't let this situation make you feel unattractive and unloved for any longer. Even on your OWN you'd feel less 'un' loved.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 03-Oct-09 21:06:15

I take it you have children together? Is it since the kids have come along? Is it the dreaded madonna/whore problem, do you think?

pandaiis Sat 03-Oct-09 21:11:32

I've suggested that cheeky but he refuses.

Yes, Maggie, it feels like we're two friends living together now. I'm getting weary of trying to sort it out and nothing changing.

We have one ds but it's not since he came along. I have no idea how on earth we managed to conceive him. One in a million drunken birthday chance.

puddinghead Sat 03-Oct-09 21:36:46

Oh I feel for you. I was married to someone once for way too long and the final two years were sexless and affection-less. It created a major irredeemable gulf. In my case it was part and parcel of his emotional abuse and control.
I think it's a darn good reason to leave someone over, especially if they refuse to acknowledge it's an issue.
How long have you been together? Would he consider counselling or doesn't he recognise there's a problem?

SolidGhoulBrass Sat 03-Oct-09 21:39:46

Was he always a lot less interested than you? Some people are simply not that bothered about sex or not very tactile.
If he used to be a lot more affectionate, what do you think triggered the change? And if he was never very affectionate and you like/need affection: why did you marry him?

pandaiis Sat 03-Oct-09 21:56:00

We've been together for ten years puddinghead. He doesn't see there's a issue. Even if he did there is nooo way he would go to counselling. It has put a distance between us as I feel less and less close to him.

Nope SGB when we first started going out it was very different. We barely moved from the bedroom for the first year and he was very affectionate and 'touchy feely'. I honestly don't know what's triggered the change in him. He just said he isn't that bothered anymore.

I am though and therein lies the problem.

SolidGhoulBrass Sat 03-Oct-09 22:07:17

Well tell him that there is an issue because you are unhappy. A relationship is not working well if one partner is unhappy about something, and it's not going to improve without discussion and effort on both sides.
It is the case for some people, though, that they do simply lose interest in sex with the same partner after a while (I always got very bored with the same person after a year or so, that's why I no longer engage in couplehood). Ask him how he would feel about you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, and see what he says.

pandaiis Sat 03-Oct-09 23:16:29

We have talked about it but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I told him last week if things didn't improve I was going to leave him and I felt like I was being held to ransom sometimes.

I have also asked about a fb. He said no way.

I can understand how people get bored with the same sexual partner. I was never one for coupledom pre-dp. It doesn't make it any less hurtful when he doesn't try to spice things up a bit if he's bored. I've tried to no avail and I'm getting sick and tired of putting the effort in when he really can't be bothered.

BiteOfFun Sat 03-Oct-09 23:25:16

It is over then, really, surely? Why keep picking up his undies etc etc when he doesn't seem to want to even try to make you happy?

LoveBeingAMummy Sat 03-Oct-09 23:28:02

I don't think it is just about sex tbh, could he be having an affair? Could he have fallen out of love?

pandaiis Sat 03-Oct-09 23:43:10

No I really don't think he's having an affair. I've asked him if he still loves me and he says yes but I suppose actions speak louder than words. Strange because on the outside we must appear happy. I told my bf about this for the first time last night and she was quite shocked.

Sadly I do think it's running it's course BOF. I want passion and togetherness but don't know if it's niave of me to expect it in a long-term relationship.

BiteOfFun Sat 03-Oct-09 23:48:44

It's not at all- there are loads of people on here who are still having regular loving sex in longterm relationships. I really do think you are being short-changed here- the fact he doesn't seem bothered by your unhappiness is the big red flag.

SolidGhoulBrass Sun 04-Oct-09 00:04:32

It sounds like this relationship is basically over because he, at least, is no longer interested in it. It is not ethical or acceptable, BTW for one partner to say, well I am not interested in having sex with you but you are not allowed to have sex with anyone else. You are not his property.
On a more positive note, if the two of you are fond of each other then it shouldn't be too hard to organise an amicable separation. Best of luck.

pandaiis Sun 04-Oct-09 00:30:00

Thanks ladies, you've cleared my head a bit. I think it is over. Every other aspect of my life I'm happy with and I know here I'm going with it finally.

My relationship is the only thing I'm unhappy about. I suppose now it's just finding the courage to say enough is enough. Somehow it would easier if we weren't fond of each other iykwim.

Anyhoo off to bed for me before ds decides to get up at the crack of dawn.

diddl Sun 04-Oct-09 19:33:05

How long has he been like this?

Is he ill, stressed depressed?

TBH, if he feels the "need", but not with you, that´s not good.

Ripeberry Sun 04-Oct-09 19:40:02

You need to spice things up. Arrange for a dirty weekend somewhere and bring some adult videos or even film yourselves.
All relationships need a bit of 'zing' everynow and then. grin

SolidGhoulBrass Sun 04-Oct-09 23:39:24

Ripeberry: I know you mean well but that advice won't work when the sexually reluctant partner has disengaged from the whole couple relationship, which it sounds like this one has. He'll either ignore her attempts or be unpleasantly critical of them. ie suggesting that she is a slut or a pervert or making herself ludicrous. She's already tried talking to him about it and been dismissed.

wingedangel Mon 05-Oct-09 16:56:52

Pandaiis, I basically left my husband because of this.

He had depression and blamed his lack of sex drive on it, but even on the "good" months when he was more upbeat he still wasn't interested. We often went 3 months at a time without it. He tried to tell me this was normal and just how LTR are.

I explained again and again how I needed affection and he didn't listen and told me I was shallow sad we got on v well as drinking buddies but if I wanted to live with my brother, I would live with my brother!

I have been on my own for a year, and still feel lonely, and obvisouly miss sex, but at least it makes sense to feel like that as a single person.

Have to point out we had no kids.

I'm not saying you should leave him, that has to be your choice, but for some people (including me) sex/affection is a massive thing.

Mallenstreak Mon 05-Oct-09 22:09:20

Has he seen a doctor about this? My husband 'lost the urge'and seemed depressed.Doctor did blood tests and we eventually found out he has a pituitary brain tumour.This had caused damage in his brain so his body stopped producing testosterone. He is now on HRT and there is a huge improvement (wearing me out(blush)).

pandaiis Mon 05-Oct-09 23:07:38

As SGB says Ripeberry although he would be more prone to use the words nympho or sex addict hmm I bloody wish!

Wow Mallenstreak, that must have been pretty scarey for you both. He hasn't seen a doctor but I don't think he's lost the 'urge' either judging by the amount of times I've caught him in front of the computer.

wingedangel - that situation sounds hugely familiar. I've also been accused of being shallow and told how it's not everything. Yes I know that, but feeling close to your partner is. I even tried to express it all in a letter and he said he could see where I was coming from. However, it didn't make any difference. We live like friends but he's not my best friend I used to have in him.

He's pushed me away that much I've withdrawn into myself away from him. I really noticed it today. Hardly talking to each other except trivial nonsense. Not spending any time in each others company and always in separate rooms. We've lost it I think.

And yet somehow the thought of being single and just having to concentrate on myself and ds seems appealing, a relief almost. A terrifying, messy relief That says it all really.

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 06-Oct-09 00:54:20

He's not that much of a friend if he is basically ignoring how unhappy you are because he is content with the situation (ie you servicing him domestically).

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