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feeling really upset, but its my own fault

(17 Posts)
QUIETONE Sat 03-Oct-09 19:12:47

i don't know where to start really, i haven't posted on here before so forgive me if it all comes out wrong.

i am feeling annoyed, frustrated, angry but mostly upset. my DH has been out all day at a works activity thing, which is absolutely fine. now he's just rang to say that he's had a brilliant day and they're all going out for a meal and a few drinks and he wanted some more money put into his account, only another £30 but this after he's spent £60 for the works do and then got another £50 in his pocket already. it wouldn't normally bother me but we've got DS birthday party in a few weeks which needs paying for and are really tight for money at the moment. i am the only one who tries hard to keep to a budget and he doesn't worry about finances. he does a lot of overtime and thinks that will cover everything.

i just know he's going to turn up in the early hours of the morning, make a racket, wake us both up and then not be fit to do anything tomorrow. Its not as if he goes out all the time, maybe once a week, but he seems to think that when he does go out he needs to spend loads of money and get really drunk to make up for it! i am not a big drinker and its fine for him to do this but i suppose i am just mad that he's now switched his phone off (could be cos i put the phone down on him or could be a bad signal) but he's never actually switched his phone off before.

i am just really sensitive at the moment cos i had a laparoscopy last week and going through infertility issues and its like he doesn't think its a big deal. its like its just me going through it. i've struggled doing the washing, cooking and tidying today and keeping little one entertained. i just feel like crying cos i feel all on my own. if it wasn't for my son keeping me going i would just close the curtains and crawl under the covers.

i just wish i hadn't put the phone down cos he also said he was the only single man there, everyone else had their girlfriends with them. i also heard someone tell him he looked nice when he was on the phone (a woman). i don't for one minute think he would do anything but i am so jealous anyway and why would he now switch off his phone. maybe he is getting fed up of me. i try so hard and it feels like nothing is good enough. i am fed up of being the housewife, working mother (4 days a week), never going out, worrying about money. i have such a lot going through my head at the moment and its like he hasn't a care in the world. my lap wasn't able to treat the endo and i will need meds to get preg. he said he doesn't want another one. i feel so sad. there, i am pressing the button before i go too much more. thanks for reading this far. sorry. i've just read that back and i bet i sound like such a b* blush

lavenderkate Sat 03-Oct-09 19:15:46

Why are you not with him Quietone?
Is it too late to get a sitter and turn up?

Danthe4th Sat 03-Oct-09 19:23:01

Sending hugs xxx sounds like you're going through a crap time, men can be very thoughtless, to be honest once a week going out is actually quite alot in my book, are you both quite young.Perhaps you need to have a chat and have a family day out. Also organise a girly night, if he wants to go out why not invite some friends round, everyone can bring a bit of food. Do something for yourself and agree a budget that he can pi** away if he wants to. I'm older now and buy my dh bottles of beer to drink at home its so much cheaper.

QUIETONE Sat 03-Oct-09 19:25:43

hi lavenderkate smile i know the area where he is, but he was a bit vague about where they were going. if he's not got his phone on i could be wondering round for ages. i couldn't get a sitter at this time of night and i am only just starting to get around after the lap. didn't come out of the anesthetic very good. to be honest i wouldn't feel up to it. i do want him to have a good time, i just don't want him to spend all that money. i suppose me being sensitive at the moment i just wanted him to come home after being out all day. or at least answer his phone so i could say sorry for putting it down. he didn't even ask to speak to DS to say goodnight sad i had to ask my son if he wanted to speak to daddy and he said no cos he was busy playing. i am making him sound really bad but hes a brilliant dad.

QUIETONE Sat 03-Oct-09 19:32:09

thanks danthe4th xxx i have tears in my eyes cos you both have replied and not been horrible to me! i don't want to be the wife that has a go at her man for going out and having a good time. i do trust him and i am just worrying a lot lately. yes, a family day out would be lovely. i suppose thats another reason why i am a bit down. it was back in june since we all went out together. not had a holiday this year. we do try to do nice things on the weekend when we can together. DH is always working. he does work hard to provide for us. we are both early 30s so not mega young but young enough i suppose.

good idea about budgeting for some money that he can p* away. he only goes to play snooker once a week but its still his time away from the usual routines and when he gets his time to himself. but then after putting DS to bed i use that time to have my time reading, chocolate, bath, etc. i shouldn't complain.

Rindercella Sat 03-Oct-09 19:43:01

Firstly, this is not all your fault. I actually thinking going out once a week and getting bladdered is quite a lot! Yeah, some people do that several times a week, but most don't.

You don't sound a bitch at all. You sound like you are going through a hard time and need your DH to be there and support you, not making things more difficult for you.

June is a very long time ago for you all to have gone out as a family. A very long time sad. I think your DH needs to reassess his priorities and realise that he needs to spend more time with you and your DS.

Tbh, I would feel thoroughly pissed off if I heard some woman telling my DH that he looked nice. I would be pissed off to hear that most other people there had their partners with them when I hadn't been invited. I think you actually have plenty to feel pissed off about!

lavenderkate Sat 03-Oct-09 19:49:29

Aww bless you Quietone. Why would anyone be horrid to you? You sound lovely.

I'm sorry if I upset you with suggesting you go out and join him.
Next best thing,just like Danthe 4th says, if you can do it now, i would ring some of my friends or text them and plan a brilliant night out with them. that way I would sit there feeling a bit smug with myself.grin

Been there many times, I think many of us Mums have, but even once a week is quite a bit I say.

You mentioned saving up for DS birthday ? Go to a big toyshop all of you together and get ideas.
That might make the toys a reality for DH if you plan which one(s) youre going to get.

I have to go, but will log on to this thread later. Take

FrayedKnot Sat 03-Oct-09 19:55:37

Quietone I don;t think it's your fault at all. I would be upset if I were you.

I've had quite a few GA over the years related to infertility, endo etc and it always takes me a good 2-3 days to get over, and I feel really low afterwards.

Going through fertility investigations bring up all sorts of emotions - perhaps your DH is saying he doesn;t want another baby because he is scared of what might be involved, or the treatment failing?

I think you need to ask him to put aside some time to talk through all this - the money issues too.

Can anyone help out with DS so you can have a couple of hours alone to talk things through?

TBH for me a partner going out every week and spending over £100 and rolling in drunk would be unacceptable. Going out every so often for a few pints with mates would be fine, but I would also expect to be able to go out myself, and go out as a couple, too.

If money was tight, I would expect us both to cut down.

I really think you need to talk.

macdoodle Sat 03-Oct-09 19:58:57

you dont sound like a bitch at all He sounds like an arse at worst, at best an immature thoughtless selfish...hmmm arse!
He should be at home looking after you and helping not frittering away £140 on a day out
I feel sad for you, I know how shitty it is feeling alone and resentful and thinking its all you for being a bitch and a nag - it really isnt, he needs to step up, you need to talk to him!

Once a week for a few is fine, to get totally rat arsed is not - having been there I would NOt tolerate it again!

Very unMNetty, but you sound like you need some <<<<<hugs>>>>

diddl Sat 03-Oct-09 20:25:07

I don´t think he should be going to the meal, tbh.

He´s already been out all day.

You´re not well and he should be trying to get home asap.

monkeypinkmonkey Sat 03-Oct-09 20:52:22

I just really want to say you are allowed to feel like you are... He seems not to be understanding how you are feeling have you told him you really feel? You really sound like you are going through some tough times at the moment.
Tell him once ds birthday over you want to take the equivilant he spends to have some me time for you.. get thee to a spa woman!
You don't come across as a bitch but someone who is lonely, overworked and overtired.
Sending you a great big <<<hug>>> (just don't tell anyone here wink)

QuintessentialShadowOfDoom Sat 03-Oct-09 20:55:03

He sounds like an arse.

I wouldnt transfer any more money. He has gone out, and turned his phone off.

SolidGhoulBrass Sat 03-Oct-09 21:49:53

He does sound very selfish, as though he thinks that he is the only person in the relationship who matters, and that you are an appendage to him. And if you are on a tight household budget, you need to agree a set amount that each of you has, to spend on treats and fun, and once that's been spent for the month then it's gone.

bloodyright Sat 03-Oct-09 22:04:34

Just want to add my voice to you being lovely and him being pretty selfish.

No wonder you haven't had a holiday - at a modest estimation his nights out are costing you £5200 a year. That could get you an amazing 2 week holiday or a pretty good 2 week, an excellent long weekend in a romantic city and a couple of mid weeks to centre parks for the family.

He is taking the piss and is likely to keep doing it until you put a stop to it.

QUIETONE Sat 03-Oct-09 22:10:04

aah, thank you everyone for making me feel better. and i really needed some hugs. thank you xx now i feel really bad for posting on here about him. just helps to get it all out sometimes doesn't it.

sorry if my post was confusing (writing in anger)but he only usually goes out once a week for a quiet game of snooker and doesn't go out and get drunk very often at all. but when he does get the chance though he gets carried away and stays out til the early hours. i am the fool i suppose as i could go with him but i have never been into clubbing and drinking - its his thing to do with his mates as well. i prefer the cinema or a quite few cocktails after a meal. we do try and get out once a month to do that but it always seems rushed cos its a last minute thing as he never knows whats happening with work.

he said he did not realise that everyones partners were going today and he was surprised to be the only single one there.

he has not long phoned me back - i did transfer the money back over and left him a message saying we simply could not afford another £30. we needed food this week! then the phone call came. he said his phone was in his pocket and he hadn't listened to his messages. now i have ended up transferring over the £30 again as he said he needs it as a buffer, (even though he's got a lift home so i wouldn't have to worry about him being stranded). but i now feel bad for posting on here about him so the mug that i am put the money back in and we'll just have to use our savings to get food tomorrow.

now i worry about him reading this somehow and him going mad at me for over-reacting, etc. i do need to talk to him and he is usually the talker in our relationship. nowadays it seems like the first thing he does when he comes home from work is spend half hour on the toilet with the paper hmm and then the tv stays on all night or he is on the internet. we do take it in turns putting DS to bed as well and he makes up brilliant stories for him and plays with him when he is home.

he also sent me a text saying that he will work all the overtime he can so that i can have the same money to go out with my friend (as i had been thinking about going to london for the day and stopping overnight there but didn't think we could afford it). he is being so lovely now and maybe i just over-reacted.

i just need him to come home and have a good chat. god, i am so sorry for these long posts. blush

diddl Sun 04-Oct-09 18:47:41

Good grief, how are you overreacting?

He´s getting through money like it´s going out of fashion on one day out!!

He could have used being the only single one as an excuse not to go for a meal.

Plus, even though he doesn´t do it often, why does he need to get blind drunk ever?

gonnabehappy Sun 04-Oct-09 19:41:45

I agree - you are not overreacting. You are feeling down lonely and pretty darn dreadful. He should be there, but he isn't and too late to change that now.

Just quietly ensure that you get time with him, time with your friends and that day out in London. I would consider asking him to arrange the birthday stuff too! Sounds to me as though he is very used to you taking domestic and financial responsibility. He sounds as though he works hard - BUT SO DO YOU.

Sorting out the birthday would be a bit of an eyeopener I think!

Tonight - bath? Smellies? Any chocolate in the house? Oh, after texting/phoning a few of those friends/family you keep meaning to contact and don't.

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