Feeling really peed off

[Gravitygirl]

Can I let off some steam?
Im not expecting anyone to totally understand this as their is a big history with some of this which makes me maybe overreact or feel a bit skewed in my feelings but can I just rant and hopefully it will make me process my thoughts and feel slightly less cross?

So DH announces on a phone call I made to him at around 6.30pm last night that he is in the pub near work.... well cheers for that, thanks for letting me know earlier. So I put the kids to bed whilst consoling them for not seeing their Daddy at bedtime, fair enough I guess...
So I settle down to my choice of tv and dinner, all is fine till H then rings around 7.45 and says he is on his way back home but calling in at a local pub to have a drink with my dad as its his bday tomorrow... ok....So I guess I expect him to be home within an hour and feel pleased as we have not seen much of him this week
I have heard nothing by 10 pm and head to bed, by midnight I am starting to get worried and my imagination starts going combined with tiredness I work myself up and think something has happened, I am about to go downstairs to phone him but DS wakes up and need to sort him out. By 1pm when he strolls through the door I am feeling pretty peed off and then miffed as he does not come upstairs but sits and plays on the computer ?? He appears in bed at 5.30am this morning ( presumably fell asleep on settee) I am so cross for a number of reasons....

1, I am building a relationship with my dad after years of neglect but yet he has an instant one with my H preferring nights ( and meals) out with him instead of me ans H knowing how this makes me feel is acting as if there is no problem in it...
2, The complete lack of respect my H treated me with by not letting me know what the plans were, letting me know he was ok/safe general stuff that we normally do when out...
3,He was out with my dad and his girlfriend ( same age as me) who I am getting increasingly sick off feeling left out of the jokes,nights out, meals out etc... Im left at home caring for our children, always get left out and am fecking fed up about it

Ok so Im identifying with jealously but I think its acceptale, I am feeling so fed up this morning I cant even bring myself to talk to my dad to say Happy Birthday or my H ( who is at work)

Urggh help me calm down please. H left knowing I was upset but his immediate reaction to that is to get angry at me and spent what time he was here slagging me off iindirectly to the children ( makes my blood boil)

Please be gentle.

[wheniwishuponastar]

oh dear. its good that your hub and dad get on. but why can't they all come round to yours and have a drink with you so you don't get left out? can you suggest that next time?

[Gravitygirl]

because thats too boring..... why sit here when they can have fun at the pub/bar.

I feel so upset, Im trying to process this to eventually try and explain to H but I can;t.

[wheniwishuponastar]

that is very unfair. i would definitely make him stay at home one night and you go out with some one.

have you asked them all if you could do that - just once? have you asked your dad, or his girlfriend? (where is your mum?)

[Gravitygirl]

My dad left my mum a long time ago, he got remarried and recently left his 2nd wife....
I dont have a relationaship with my mum, so I dont really have anyone. Our family is shattered to pieces basically and although its nice that my H and Dad get on I kind of feel thats not the point here iyswim.
I feel extremley hurt although I keep telling myself not to be silly, this is nothing new. I know my H wont understand ( or guilt will not make him undertand) but I feel so cross with them all. I am particualrly on edge about my dads new partner as she is way over friendly with my H and I hate it, I hate that I have to be boring frump mum whilst they all go out and have a laugh. So loads of issues here.

Excuse me why I go and and scream into a pillow.. I must snal out of this for my chiildrens sake Im narky an I dont want to be with them. I feel like taking them off somewhere for the day but that would be to spite my h and thats childish.

[wheniwishuponastar]

i think its outrageous that you are left behind. i don't think its childish to go off for the day. something does need to change. you are angry (and justifiably). but you don't want to be angry around your children, which is sensible. so i think getting some space for yourself is fine.

i can't believe your hub is happy for you to be so upset and not try and do anything to help the situation, that seems outrageously unfair. does he get on with his own dad?

• get your anger out
• make sure you arent a frump mum
• make the house nice so that it would be nice if they all came over
• invite the girlfriend and your dad over

[Gravitygirl]

Any ideas how I vocalise this to H ? I m aware its far from perfect that he doesnt are about my being unhappy... but hey ho thats another long issue.

Unfortanatly at the chance of a beer things like my feelings get pushed aside and I know if I try and mention it it will end up being my fauly for being jealous or having issues I should just deal with, he isnot very tolerant to feelings.

Feel dreadful, can;t decide what to do about going out,I know the children will want to see their dad when he gets home but I dont!

[freename]

Don't think you're being jealous at all. And you have every right to be angry. Your DH is terribly inconsiderate and selfish and your dad obviously hasn't learnt anything during his absence.

Read the riot act to DH. I would be. The dad thing will sort itself out more once your DH isn't filling that gap by seeing them on his own.

A part of me thinks if it has got this far that perhaps you are a bit of a doormat with your DH. Not having a go at you (being gentle honest) but sensing very much that you need to assert your own needs.

i.e. My DH would never do that because he would never be allowed to treat me like that. There would be a phone call saying that he was planning to go the pub and checking I wasn't waiting to do something else. There would be a call if the pub was going to take longer or a call to say he was leaving. I just can't imagine waiting, uncertain as to when he was coming home.

Perhaps I am not very nice when I am

[freename]

Yes your post says it all. He gets away with behaving how he wants and doesn't care about your feelings at all.

Go Out. Do something for yourself.

He is making me feel quite angry on your behalf.

Difficult to advise as to what to say. Don't know your dynamic so don't know what stance would make him see sense other than - right now - I'm not your doormat anymore and I will also do as I please. If you don't like it we can sit down and talk about what is considerate and respectful behaviour in a relationship.

[Gravitygirl]

Thanks for sort of validating my feelings [weaksmile] this is the thing, normally H will keep in touch , let me know how its going , when he is leaving etc but last night didnt bother for some reason.

I guess I am a bit of a doormat, but I am trying to change that, I am having pd theraphy for my car crash of a childhood an have been for about 6 months now. H is not responding well and hates me asserting myself.
I know all this sounds far from ideal, I dont want to talk about how crap that is just now but I know that he does not think he has done anything wrong, I jsut dont know how to convey it too him.

I a hating the fact that I am just sitting here waiting for him to come home so we can no dounbt row or the alternative of driving aimlessly around trying to decide where to go with the kids. H probably would think Ive done him a favor.
I may email him at work telling him I am going out on my own the minute he gets back from work and go and do something alone.

[freename]

Hugs hun. Emailing him is a great idea. You are keeping him informed, not just throwing it at him and expecting him to go along with it (as he did to you) and asserting your own needs at the same time.

It's complicated I understand. All you can do is keep stating your point of view and ask him to think about it. How would he feel if it had been the other way round?

It's a good sign if he is normally more thoughtful. Is your therapy able to help provide guidance to family while you're going through it so they are better informed about how to support you? You know, like they do with AA?

[freename]

Why isn't H responding well to YOUR therapy. Surely he should be happy you are making sense of your unhappy past?

[wheniwishuponastar]

i think you should try and keep calm. and work on being quietly assertive for yourself. vent here as much as possible - scream shout get it all out. because he doesn't respond to emotion, so you need to vent it all out of yourself before hand.

if you weren't upset, but just dealing with the situation - you might work on getting everyone over, in a happy positive way, luring them over with a nice meal and loads of nice beer.

but while you are upset you will probably just put people off (which isn't fair but thats the way it seems to be).

so take care of yourself, don't expect them to be emotionally intelligent or caring, because they obviously aren't. do that for yourself. and then go back with energy saying, go on, we can get lots of nice drinks in here. if he's that lured with a pint...

however, if you are going through a traumatic time, then maybe he is getting himself some space from that. which isn't very nice for you. but maybe that's the situation.

in which case you need to do everything you can to look after yourself. get a friend round. join a support group. at least he is giving you 'space' to deal with your stuff. it might not be exactly what you want. but at least he isn't in your face, he's just letting you get on with things. dealing emotionally with the past can be very hard work. its gutting when other people don't understand or don't seem supportive. but its a difficult challenging topic, and a lot of people just aren't up to it. and in a way maybe he's just keeping himself stable. if you were both going through a period of transition it might be too rocky.

so its hard, but maybe you need to come up with ways of 'healing yourself' and moving your progress on. that way when you come out the other side, you will be able to lure people over to hang out with you. but sounds like you need to do something else at the moment?

hope that makes some sense.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I wouldn't be surprised if your H married you precisesly because you'd had an awful childhood and therefore were going to be a passive, obedient, desperate-to-please partner who would be grateful to 'wonderful' H for actally marrying her.
Selfish inadequate men (and worse) have an instinct for women who are, for whatever reason, vulnerable and unlikely to assert themselves.
Of course, once you start having therapy or something else happens to boost your self-esteem to the point where you realise that you are aperson not just an appendage to the H, he usually starts kicking up, getting difficult, being unreliable, doing everything possible to communicate (without actually stating it in so many words because that would make it obvious what a wanke he is) 'I don't want you getting ideas above yoru station. Get back to obeying and placating and servicing me or I'll Have Sex with Other Women.'

[freename]

wheni I totally disagree. Why should she have to 'lure' anyone? Why should she have to entice with meal and drinks. Sounds like awfully hard work for HER.

Why can't they consider that she is at home with kids and arrange to meet there or include her so childcare can be organised and she can also join in. They should WANT to include her without her having to work for it. Otherwise it smacks of self esteem ishoos.

I really don't think the advice for someone who is learning to assert themselves is to pander to other people's needs when hers are clearly not being met!

I do agree being calm is a good idea in order to come across more coherent so he can't pick her apart for being emotional.

[wheniwishuponastar]

i did already suggest that (further up), but it didn't seem like it was going to be a viable option. which i (and op) agree is a big shame.

[Gravitygirl]

Right, I have xexchanged a couple of short emails with him stating that I will be going out when he gets home later on.
God knows what I am going to do with myself but Ill be damned if Im not going now.

SGB- You have a point, a point that I have discussed with my therapist but something I am unwilling to deal with at the moment, there are good ides to my H and he is a finacially supportive and loving father to our DC and out family. Yes there are many issues there and Im sure he would tell a very different side to a story which may make you think I was being unreasonable...
in his email he says he cant understand what he has done?

My dad is extremley selfish, it has and always will be what he wants to do before anyone else ( ie, me)He feels you dont live for your kids evidently. H has some aspect of that in him, yes he probably wanted a break, yes he didnt have to pay for anything but my feelings didnt cross his mind once , obviously.

I dont know what else to say at the moment, I am going to have to pay some attention to the kids ( rather than cbeebies) so will sign off soon ( i will come back to this when I can though and thankyou so much for thrashing it out with me)

[freename]

Still don't think pandering to them is the right idea. Given they are so selfish already. Sounds also as if your dad is stirring the big wooden spoon somewhat. What's the point of him coming back into your life?
I think it is possible to make DH see what's going on here and that it doesn't mean you've got problems if you're unhappy about him spending time at the pub with a woman who is overly friendly. Hell that would be most of the female population!!! If not all.

DH needs to understand that he is enabling something that is damaging to you. Is that what he really wants? Because if it carries on, is he really going to get the outcome he wants? That you settle into mindful wife mode for the rest of your lives?

Ok it's difficult for him that you are changing / have changed.
Maybe address this directly. Do you think my having therapy is a problem? Do you think I shouldn't address my past? Am I insane because I feel you should have considered my needs last night? Am I insane to want a night out with my husband? Should I not be fed up that's it's my dad I should be building a relationship with and yet I am the one who is at home?

[Gravitygirl]

Thankyou freename, just crept back to this as by some miracle I have managed to get the children to have a sleep!!!!

Your last paragraph has really helped me.
I think I should make it clear though that my dad has alwayys been in my life, i lived with him in my teenage years, yet he wa never actually there for me iyswim.
So we have a relationship to build from the point of view of the shitty father he has been.

Im not overly fussed that dads g/f was there more that they are all out together having fun and Im stuck in, not once id they consider coming back here to share that with me. I would be lying if I said I wasnt worried about someone who had already played a part in breaking up my family further so I guess she does bother me and I do wonder her motives in all this, I mean same age as me, my dad is loaded..... she has just taken a years career break.....

I really hope I get my H to see although not sure he will as I have not really got this upset about this situation before, more put up with it I guess, I suppose thats the difference no I dont wnt to put up with it.

But is it unreasonable of me to expect my H not to go out with my Dad when they are obviously friends, a group of friends even from which Im excluded.

We are all meant to be going out tomorrow and I really dont want to go , but I will just look like a child kicking up a stink wont I?

Im so confused and so upset and angry..

Any ideas of what to do with myself this afternoon? its been so long I have NO idea.

[wheniwishuponastar]

what do you feel like doing?

[Gravitygirl]

i want to go and be pampeed but unfortuantley money is not going to allow that

Or goign and watching a cheap west end show etc etc, same old reason as to why not but cant think of any cheap things I want to do...

[freename]

I'm back too

Not unreasonable for DH not to go out with dad if he can see that you're struggling with that relationship at the moment. He is enabling behaviour that is adding to your current hurt. A supportive husband imo would listen to your feelings about that and do whatever you felt would be helpful to you. Not carry on regardless. They are only connected because of you so to exclude you is of course extremely hurtful. It would be different as well if it was a lads night out but the fact that dad's partner is there underlines your exclusion even more. Why shouldn't you be there too?

About tomorrow. I understand you feel messed up about it. BUT use it as an exercise to pinpoint exactly what it is about that dynamic that makes you feel crap. Nevermind them. Just hone in on your feelings and see if there is something practical that can be done to change the dynamic. Are there lots of injokes? Are they having a dig at you in some way? What is it precisely, you know? Use is it as a research evening. It may help form future communication with DH.

As for what to do later....free museum or gallery? Can you visit a girlfriend? Not to talk about what's happening but to be distracted and have a laugh. Cinema? I'll keep thinking...