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We have slept in separate beds for the last 16 monthsm since baby was born. My head seems clear now, but think I have pushed him away what should I do

(7 Posts)
mmiower Sat 03-Oct-09 00:47:14

When our baby was born I ended up for a number of reasons sleeping in separate room to babies daddy. He snored a bit and it just seemed easier at the time. He was very put out about this. Would have tantrums sometimes, we had big arguments. I said some really bad things to him. Cant understand why he didnt just run. But he told me he loves me and couldnt leave me and baby. He would get me flowers and say he was sorry all the time. Even though I kept telling him I hated him.

But he stayed and our baby is 15 months old now and baby and I still sleeping in our bed, and he still sleeps in separate room. I do go into his bed for cuddles now and again.

Thing is recently he has started to stay away a lot working. Im getting worried I may have pushed him away to much.

Asked him the other day if he would like to sleep with me in same bed now, he said its been to long and use to being on his own and just walked away from me.

I think messed up the family and driven him away. I dont want to be a single mum. I do love him. What can I do. is it to late? Im so scared I have wrecked it all.

BiteOfFun Sat 03-Oct-09 00:50:29

Hmm, doesn't sound good.

defineme Sat 03-Oct-09 00:54:43

Tell him this - you can only be honest-bit late for romantic dinners or something. Go and wake him up and talk.Keep trying if you're certain you want to. Have you had pnd (I'm wondering about the terrible things you said?)?

ClaudiaSchiffer Sat 03-Oct-09 01:12:17

I think you need to realise that you have basically fallen in love with someone else (your baby) and totally pushed your dh away. Which is pretty rough on your dh. Now you are ready to have dh back and not surprisingly he's not up for it.

Hopefully this can be fixed, but you are going to have to have lots of talking with your dh - move the baby OUT of your room and hopefully your dh will come round.

But it must have been pretty shit for him. Don't expect instant results.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 03-Oct-09 01:28:19

It doesn't sound like this was entirely your fault, if he was having tantrums and starting arguments as well. I do think you should talk to him, book a time or something and say that you want to make things right, what would he like to happen? But don't let him make it all your fault and something you have to apologise for forever.

tinkerbellesmuse Sat 03-Oct-09 08:53:38

You made a decision to push DH away despite knowing how hurt he was by your behaviour. No wonder he is angry and reluctant to just fall into your arms.

I think you need to start by acknowledging to your DP that you have behaved badly and apologise.

You need to sit down and talk to him be honest about how you felt in the past and what you want from him now. He sounds like a decent bloke - he stayed with you despite you treating him badly - so hopefully he will want to sort this out.

Good luck

PoisonToadstool Sat 03-Oct-09 09:17:38

Are you having sex at all?

This happened to me, we slept apart for 18 months after our DS was born. We did not have sex for 14 months. By that point I had no interest in it, or him, but obviously a problem like that doesn't go away so when we found ourselves alone in the house once we pretty much forced ourselves to, and thank god because that was the start of things getting better.

I still didn't want DP back in my bed for a while after that though and again I just had to get on with it because if I hadn't, we'd still be sleeping separately (rather obviously). And even when he was back in my bed I didn't want him there. I had been sharing with this lovely snuggly baby and now there was this huge person next to me with kicky legs and snoring and stealing the quilt. That said, I adjusted quickly and it wasn't long before I loved it again. DS is 2 in a few weeks and things are... mostly... healed. The issues now are all on my side though.

I'm not sure if that helps, but have felt very alone on the matter so thought you might like to know it's not that uncommon.

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