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Struggling with imminent fortieth birthday.

(24 Posts)
handmedownqueen Fri 02-Oct-09 18:44:21

And sorely tempted to go off the rails. Help me out!

I'm surprised by myself at this. Lifes great with dh dcs and work but suddenly feel the need to do something for me before it's too late. Specifically my thoughts r turning to a fling Ive never slept with anyone apart from my husband and wondered is it ever possible to have a short discreet affair without wrecking havoc or should I just sit tight and wait for this phase to pass and how long will that be?

NormaJeanAteMyHamster Fri 02-Oct-09 18:45:15

LOL! Unless you are a troll I would don your hard hat about now...

Anniegetyourgun Fri 02-Oct-09 18:54:11

I'll just jump in and be all jolly before the thread turns nasty.
I'm sure there are plenty of other things you've never done either, some of which are possible, affordable and won't hurt anyone. I dunno, trip on the Orient Express? Totally self-indulgent spa weekend? Swimming with dolphins? There's more to life than sex you know (thank god). Actually that's an idea: if you're suffering from a stagnant sex life, try and find ways to spice it up for both of you, not just yourself. Hold an Anne Summers party with your best mates and pick up some tips while you're having a good giggle ;)

Meanwhile: look forward to 40. Life begins etc. Surprisingly, it really does. Have a big birthday party and put "I'M 40!!!" on the invites. It's something to be proud of and thankful for.

ps I'm 50. And I like it.

handmedownqueen Fri 02-Oct-09 18:54:51

Im quite sure more people than me have found turning forty hard. Looking for others experiences but hard hat at the ready!!

Malificence Fri 02-Oct-09 19:57:15

Are you off your rocker?
Life's great yet you want to potentially make your family implode because you're curious?
I'm 43 and have never slept with anyone but my husband of almost 25 years, he's never slept with anyone but me either.
If sex isn't mind blowing with your husband then learn some new tricks together.
Treat sex with your husband like an affair, read some erotic books, get a Tracey Cox book like Supersex, explore your fantasies together - it's totally possible to re-invent a stale sex life.
I know because we've done that very thing just this year, sex has never been so mind blowing, for either of us.
All it takes is a little effort.

preciouslillywhite Fri 02-Oct-09 20:00:31

Have some old fachioned fun like what I did

...went and had a party at my ex' flat (with dp- nowt sordid) and drank gallons of booooze and had a bucketful of something not nice or legal which I can't type here cos my boy is proper clevva (and knows my nickname)

preciouslillywhite Fri 02-Oct-09 20:01:51

ooops, hit wrong button

(like a twat blush)

mumtofour Fri 02-Oct-09 22:58:33

Hi handmedownqueen
I too am turning 40 next week. I think it is a stage in life that does make you stop and look at what you have and where you have come from. Is your thoughts of an affair totally due to your age or more? only you know that. I think from people i talk to 40 is an age where we stop and think about so much that we have and also that we would like. Can't tell you how to act now though.. other than this is your life and you will make the choices you feel are true to you.. happy 40th birthday whenever that is!

mrsboogie Sat 03-Oct-09 13:00:46

Yes, you should have an affair - with your husband!

Iklboo Sat 03-Oct-09 13:04:36

Long shot - book a hotel for you & DH. Arrange for one of you to get there first and go to the bar after checking in. T'other one comes in about 20mins later, gets a drink etc - you check each other out, flirty glances then one goes over and starts to chat the other one up - v flirty & sexy style. Use pretend names if you like. End up going up to your hotel room for some of that 'ripping each others' clothes off, hard snogging against a wall' Hollywood sex

Maggie34Behave Sat 03-Oct-09 15:55:00

I had a crisis in the run up to my 30th! but I'm going to be forty next may and I don't give a sh1t. Bring it on. I fele like I've been a n adult for a long time now!! sometimes I can't believe I'm only forty. well, 39! I'm adding one on ffs!

Also, young people really annoy me!! sorry, anybody under 27 their youthful bloody energy and enthusiam and their bounciness and complete lack of world weariness is just tedious. Also listing off bands they've seen, countries they' ve backpacked around...

So really, there are no people under 28,s o you're actually quite young. Dykwim!? I lovw people roughly m y age. they are the funiest and the nicest.

stuffitllllama Sat 03-Oct-09 16:05:25

lol maggie "their youthful bloody energy and enthusiasm"


<bitter old trout>

ps don't have an affair

Unlikelyamazonian Sat 03-Oct-09 16:59:27

I can quite understand where you are coming from. 40 is a big milestone especially if you have only ever slept with one person.

Did you not even literally fall asleep with anyone when you were a teenager? I mean sort of propping each other up after a wet kiss and a few big plastic bottles of cider?

Because if you did, that counts.

I think if you are happy in your marriage and life is great then you should really just sit tight and hope to god that your H isn't thinking the same way as you and also considering acting upon it.

Divorce is horrible.

One last thing, I remember turning 40. My xh was an utter bastard that night and life was generally shit. Things don't sound quite as bad for you. But they soon could be.

Please stay happily married.

The end.

Maggie34Behave Sat 03-Oct-09 17:24:37

I think it's adrenalin you're short on.

Arrange a bungee jumping session or something.

Honestly. It might work.l

handmedownqueen Sun 04-Oct-09 08:18:41

Thanks. I did sort of have a conversation with dh last night about how I was feeling The obvious thing to do is to pep things up a bit with us.
I'm also probably being overly pessimistic in feeling all I have to look forward to is losing my looks and the menopause! He was really nice and said well your mum has kept her looks why wouldn't you? He also said perhaps we should stop being so cautious and always think g about saving for kids futures and blow a bit of cash on ourselves

I'll keep you posted

stuffitllllama Sun 04-Oct-09 09:08:56

"blowing cash" is actually not a bad idea

it gives you a sort of naughty feeling

it's fun

flibertygibet Sun 04-Oct-09 09:22:53

I agree with Malificence about spicing up your sex life. You have to work hard at it!

I used my 40th to really take a look at myself and get myself in shape. I joined a fitness class and dedicated myself to looking, and feeling, fantastic. I dragged my birthday out over several days of celebration! Two years on, I'm in great shape, have run a few 10k races and am considering a half-marathon.

It doesn't have to be the start of sliding downhill at all. You need to change your attitude to think that life is just beginning...

Conundrumish Sun 04-Oct-09 10:43:14

I got my crisis out of the way at 26 for some reason, but I sort of know what you mean about needing to do something. Go skydiving, bungee jump, learn to surf, buy some dope, see some live music or camp in the snow - anything really but put the happiness of your family (esp children) at risk.

Conundrumish Sun 04-Oct-09 10:44:20

Oh, Maggie got there first with the adrenelin stuff blush shd read posts first!

UnquietDad Sun 04-Oct-09 10:51:06

The "needing to do something" feeling is not uncommon.

In your 30s you tend not to worry too much about this as you still feel "young" and think there will still be time for everything.

And then it hits you at 40, even if you feel OK with being 40 - there are suddenly all these people around, young adults with jobs and money, and who as Maggie34 says are always going off to bloody Glastonbury and seeing cool bands they read about in the NME and so on and don't seem to have any of the burdens of "real life".

You may be 40 and feel 27, and yet nobody will believe you. The gap between 40 and 27 feels huge. The gap between 40 and 53 is the same, but doesn't.

TrickOrTrefusis Sun 04-Oct-09 11:21:15

You do know that this isn't actually about sex, don't you?

I've been contemplating 40 for a while now, and honestly don't think it's going to bother me all that much - certainly nothing like as much as I thought it would when I was, say, 25. That "time running out" feeling that you're clearly experiencing really isn't the case.

For a start, shagging around isn't all it's cracked up to be, even when you don't already have a lovely life to wreck. You've got a willing man right in your house, who loves you and would probably be delighted at the thought of spicing things up a bit. Together you can bring out the mischief in both of your souls, without having to resort to the cliche of an affair. It wouldn't be exciting, Hollywood stuff. It would be tawdry and grubby and guiltridden.

I think that we're conditioned to equate excitement with sex, but it doesn't have to be like that. Okay, your career as a professional footballer may be over, and modelling may no longer be for you. But there honestly isn't that much that you're too old for. People dream of climbing mountains, running marathons, visiting new cultures, writing books and taking to the stage. You are young enough for all of those things.

I recently came to the startling realisation that - for personal/family reasons that I won't bore you with here - I am about fifteen years younger than I thought I was. I was reading something, and empathising with a certain, older character, when it occurred to me that there was in fact a smaller age gap between me and the younger character. My life had similarities with that of both characters. What made the difference was the aspects that I was choosing - in other words, my own attitude.

By all means, treat 40 as an opportunity to evaluate your life, because that's a great exercise at any age. But don't reduce it to some tired "young = sexy and exciting" cliche.

ScaryFucker Sun 04-Oct-09 15:21:06

wow, trick what a fab post

tryingherbest Sun 04-Oct-09 19:58:03

Ow - being 40 is great - being 30 I found bloody hard.

Just enjoy being of an age where you don't have to prove yourself to anyone.

I was relieved to be 40 and even happier being 41 - and it's not about losing your looks - except the thing about middle aged spread is bloody true - but again I don't give a shit - I would have 10 years ago.

Look forward - not back.

A fling would probably be sordid and a let down and you'd do horrible damage to your family - far nmore exciting to rev things up with your dh - take up a new hobby or just shout to the world that your 40 and just as young in mind as you always were.

Congratulations to you.

mmrred Sun 04-Oct-09 21:29:42

Oh, ditto the above, completely! I hated being 30, I just didn't know HOW to be a 30 year old woman! I had my belly button and my nipple pierced (OWWWW) in panic about being old.

Ten years on - loving it. Feel completely at home in my own skin and in control of my life. Well, as far as you can be.

And if you feel you and your DH need more sexual adventure, well, there are lots of adventure playgrounds you could explore together. wink

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