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My past is coming back to haunt me, my ex's wife is sending me nasty emails! What do I do?!(49 Posts)
Hi, I've namechanged for this, if you rumble me please don't say!
A long time ago in my murky past (waaaay before dh and dc's) I had a one night stand with my ex. It was a stupid thing to do, we were both a bit hammered, had bumped into each other by accident yada yada, I regretted it the next morning and sent him packing and thought no more of it.
Then about 4 months later, I got a text off him saying, "We are pleased to announce the safe arrival of <<insert baby's name here>> weighing blah de blah de." I was really shocked, because I hadn't even known he was in a relationship, never mind that his dw was pg! She would have been about 5 months, by my reckoning. I would never have gone there if I'd known he was with her, never mind that she was pg, I felt really awful for her, but didn't want to mar the joy of a new baby, and I had also just started seeing my (now) dh, so I deleted my twat-ex off my phone and thought that was the last of it.
Not so. About a year ago he started sending me very flirty messages on Facebook. I blocked him, but he started texting me. I got dh to phone and put him right, and again, thought that was the last of it.
Now this morning I have a really spiteful email from his dw saying she knows what we did nearly 5 years ago, she's going to find out where I live and put me in hospital etc etc. I'm not too worried about the threats (we now live a considerable distance from them) but I'm wondering what the fuck I do, if anything? Am I ever going to be free of this knobhead? One nights' indiscretion, and nearly 5 years later I'm still paying the price. This is hardly fair!
She seems to be thinking that I lured the ex in, knowing full well that she was pg and that I did it as a vendetta against her. Given that I have never even met her, nor knew of her existence, that would be quite hard. I do understand that she's feeling hurt and angry - I was too, when I found out about her - but I'm not the guilty party here, he is!!
Argh! Stupid bloody past! Why didn't I listen to my mother and save my virginity for my husband, eh?
Reality - really? The police? Seems a bit....extreme.
We've had a load of shit off my dh's ex too. But that's cause she's a psycho. Gosh, we really do pick 'em!
I agree with reality, save all e-mails and txts, details of any threatening correspondence, and if it continues, report the idiot!
I've no idea how she found out. Unless she found out from a mutual friend? I was back in my hometown a couple of weeks ago and was talking to someone who was a friend of his - I suppose it's possible that he's dropped Ex in it?
It makes my head hurt. I just feel a bit sorry for her, I suppose, hence not wanting to call police. I dumped him because he was a cheating arsehole, I can't imagine what a nightmare it must be to be married/have kids with him!
Maybe I should email her, and say that I'm sorry and if I'd known he was with her I'd never have gone there, but if she emails me again I'm calling the police?
Report her - the police having a word should sort her out
I would tell the police now.
She is threatening your personal safety.
THe police will go round and have a word.
he sounds a lovely chap i must say!!!
i feel sad for his new wife, having kids with him when he is a cheating liar!!!
but at the same time she shouldn't be blaming you, i think you should email her first and say you didn't know he was with her (or anyone) and yeah, tell her if she threatens you again you will go to the police.
If you feel the need to contact her, I would not say sorry, just repeat the facts. i.e. what you wrote in your OP. You knew nothing of her existence, it is her husbands issue not yours.
I'd email and explain first. I'd put money on him blaming it all on you hence her emailing you. He probably told her a pack of lies to get himself off the hook. If she carried on, then I'd inform the police.
A cold and polite email along the lines of this is harrassment and making threats will mean you will go to the police. Don't say anything personal -ie about the one night stand.
You did nothing wrong.
I think you should write this:
I am very sorry for what you are going through. When this happened, I had no idea that X was married, let alone that his wife was pregnant. When I found out five months later, I was completely horrified. I deleted his number from his phone and blocked him from Facebook. I do not want anything to do with him and this would never have happened if I had known about you and the baby.
I woud prefer if you would both leave me alone.
The, if she contacts you again with abuse, go to the police. Keep all emails.
Oh what a shit situation.
Tempting though it is to email her and put the record straight - he has probably already laid the blame firmly at your door and as she sees you as the evil husband stealer, it is unlikely that she will believe you. Possibly if she was being at all reasonable, I'd tell her the exact story if she asked.....and maybe she would respond a comment to that effect? ie, "look, if you want to ask me anything about this, then fine, I can answer you but whilst you threaten me I will not respond at all and may in fact be tempted to call the Police. The ball is in your court, this is your business, not mine". Calm indifference is what is needed, do not go to her level, although yes it is understandable that she is way pissed off about this. Not your problem though.
The typical response of some women to 100% blame the OW is so lame. It was her DH who cheated, not you, regardless of whether you knew about his wife or not. If he was faithful, he'd never have done it, end of.
ignore it. if she carries on then go to police. no point in replying, what will it achieve?
Yes, I think it would be worth standing back and put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Her world has just come crashing down, she is in shock and not thinking straight. This is not your fault of course, but it's hard not to feel some empathy for her. He's probably told her a crock of shite about it being YOU texting him and stalking him via Facebook - and of course he will make out that you always knew he was married.
She might also think it was a bit strange that you hadn't heard on the grapevine that he WAS married and that you must have known. I don't know much about Facebook to be honest, but for you to have blocked him, doesn't that mean you once accepted him as a friend? Sorry if not the case, as I know what that implies.
I certainly wouldn't contact him - but I would perhaps E mail her and tell her how sorry you are for her pain and upset, but that you honestly didn't know his situation and that you'd withdrawn from the situation even before you knew he was married. Of course you need to say that if there are any more threats, you will be informing the police, but that you hope the threats are just understandable shock and that it is because you sympathise with that, you are not alerting them now. And wish her luck.
A very measured and sensible approach from whenwillIfeelnormal <applauds>
i would ignore her. it sounds quite likely she's just found out, your ex has probably blamed it all on you to take the heat off himself. she's very hurt right now, angry etc. stay out of it and leave them to it. but just in case she does take it further keep the evidence.
OK, change your email, change your number and if any contact comes thru FB, close down the profile you have with the old address, and open a new one, so nothing is tying you to the old profile.
Set your privacy to Friends only and that'll stop her.
Keep everything you have received from her on file, and if she manages to find a way to get to you again, no reply, no warnings nothing, go straight to the police.
they have new stalking laws, and are hot on it at the moment, from what i hear, so ought to take you seriously. If there is something on record, if anything god forbid, ever happened at your address, links can be made and response times may be improved.
If her marriage implodes, she's not going to get any calmer is she?
Look after yourself, you have not, nor did you ever do anything wrong. Glad your DH is being supportive.
Keeping quiet just makes it look bad, imho. I'd copy and paste dollius's message! Short, to the point, inviting no reply and laying things firmly with him, her arsehole partner. doubtless she is hurting (possibly because she may have found the messages he sent you), so putting across your point but adding that any more threatening behaviour is not on and will result in something 'legal' is very fair.
Don't email her! Seriously, any communication from your side won't help the situation. However reasonable, measured and sympathetic your email is, it'll just inflame things more.
If she keeps contacting you, definitely time to call the police in on it, but hopefully this will just be one rant, rather than a consistent programme of harassment.
If you were her, would anything the ow said make a difference?
I would not reply right now and see if she cotinues. If she did then would ask her to stop or you will contact the police.
I'm just a belligerent old cow and if I had been bamboozled into a situation like the OP was, I wouldn't be taking the accusations lying down. Whether the wife wants to listen is her lookout, but I'd really want to put my point over...
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