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Feeling Regularly Undermined By Friend - Why Do They Do That?

(22 Posts)
boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 19:47:22

If I am worried about something or deliberating over trying something new and I share it with her I rarely come away reassured, it's like she just can't do reassurance regardless of the subject? What gives? I mean, dur, isn't friendship about bolstering each other and encouraging one another? Have I got something wrong? Am I expecting too much? Does she hate me or something? And some of it is quite personal so it's not just a case of 'it's her upbringing'. If she doesn't like me then just fecking keep out of my way surely?

echt Thu 01-Oct-09 20:19:32

Not enough information.

How is your feeling of not being reassured the same as her undermining you? You are responsible for your feelings and you haven't shown anything she's actually done.

groundhogs Thu 01-Oct-09 20:25:07

You'll have to give us at least one 'For instance..'

Jajas Thu 01-Oct-09 20:26:45

Yes more info OP before we can judge decide grin!

boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 21:26:45

I wish I could do it but am very hot about anonymity. Upshot is, she isn't a reassurer, are some people just like that? Has anyone here had experience of friends who would leave you more worried about stuff when you confided in them? It's many different things like asking her if i'm suitable for this or that or health concerns over kids or concerns over kids behaviour, or seeking reassurance about how i handled something, she can't seem to say the right things, the things I would say to someone who was clearly looking for a bit of, 'you're doing great' and so on. I know my feelings are my responsibility but if that was the case we wouldn't ever turn to anyone for reassurance would we? We wouldn't have meaningful relationships? I feel undermined as in I feel less confident about how I can cope with things and what I am capable of after talking anything over with her. I guess it's either just a lack of sensitivity on her part or it is actually her wanting me to feel incapable which is a different kettle of fish altogether and either way both make friendship with her pretty darn pointless. I feel sad that my friend is actually making me feel shit a lot.

Jajas Thu 01-Oct-09 21:42:06

My best friend of 32 years can be a bit like this. She hasn't got children so maybe that squews her reaction to certain topics or situations that I raise but she can make me feel really down I suspect without meaning to. I have other lovely friends who I know would always reasure whatever the situation but they are just kind ego~less people (if there is such a condition). The BF is rather competitive, not sure if that has any bearing on her behaviour towards me?

Could possibly be jealous as she wanted children but couldn't have them, she wouldn't try and make me feel better if I'm moaning about getting them to bed or whatever and it could just be that she thinks I'm very lucky and should just get on with it (she would be right of course). Could your friend fit into that category for any reason?

Maggie34Behave Thu 01-Oct-09 21:47:33

Is she afraid that you'll move out of her orbit?

She wants to keep you in your place so that she'll keep you. Bonkers but common behaviour I think..

boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 21:49:01

She is competitive, a striver, whereas I just bimble along really and make do with things a lot of the time, hence the situation I am in now where this has been going on for over a year and I seem to be in this perpetual cycle of feeling hurt and let down, avoid her for a bit and then forget and then it happens all over again.

Maggie34Behave Thu 01-Oct-09 21:49:39

Boolifooli, I had a friend who loved me when I was sacked, dumped or depressed. I cut her loose when I saw it really clearly.

THere were other people that she was very comfortable admiring. But I HAD to occupy the role of the friend to be pitied slightly. She was very good to me when I was dumped and depressed though, so it was hard to do, hard to understand. Sad really.

tattycoram Thu 01-Oct-09 21:51:22

How long have you known her for? What are the upsides of the friendship?

boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 21:54:34

That's interesting, while she is a striver she is quite brittle in ways. But if it is about her feeling insecure, how do I remedy that while simultaneously avoiding getting hurt. When I see her now I am literally tensing up ready for a remark or veiled put down. What I really need is a friend like my husband. He's the polar opposite, makes me feel great, confident, capable, makes everything thing I worry about smaller. Is it healthy for your husband to be your best friend?

Maggie34Behave Thu 01-Oct-09 21:57:32

THAT's it. She's jealous of the support you get from your husband. (I speculate of course)

boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 21:57:47

Well we have known eachother a few years and we can have a really good laugh together sometimes, nothing wildly earth shattering.

boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 21:58:28

I'm liking you Maggie

tattycoram Thu 01-Oct-09 22:11:37

I just wondered because I have been in a similair position (undermining friend) and when I realised what was going on I stopped seeing her. Life really is too short. But that was quite a short and not very deep friendship. Had you known her for decades it might be a different story. See her less and see how you feel, that would be my suggestion

boolifooli Thu 01-Oct-09 22:22:55

Tatty - it's not a deep friendship, it's just such a shame to have to accept that it isn't going to become one and to move on. I am the worst when it comes to moving on!

Greatgoing Thu 01-Oct-09 22:48:57

Boolifooli- are you me? I have exactly this situation in my life at the moment.

boolifooli Fri 02-Oct-09 07:45:16

Hi Great - tell me about your friend?

I've been through a particularly hellish year and looking over the last 12 months I've not managed to get the emotional support from this friend that I was looking for at times so I really can't see why I should put any effort in to it whatsoever from now on.

jardy Sat 03-Oct-09 20:57:05

BOO,i think your post struck a raw note with a lot of people.For me,so long as I am seen as a loser people are ok with that,but as soon as I am on the up they are resentful.

jardy Sat 03-Oct-09 20:58:43

MAGGIE,THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU.Well done for that great and succint reply.The bit about the friend to be pitied,YES,I have been there.

toomanystuffedbears Sat 03-Oct-09 21:15:41

My sister does this to me. She sucks the joy out of anything I'm happy with having or doing. She was my bestfriend, but not any more.

Maggie, yes, roles-exactly.

My sister has to be the 'superior' one and any chance she gets to do the left handed compliment and veiled insult (always said with a smile angry)- it is there. Her strategies include ridicule ('just kidding' <<grr>>), dismissiveness, and general degradations.

I have had to take a break from her for my own mental health. It was depressing me, seriously. The only contact now is sending Christmas and birthday gifts. Even with that, she has to try to control things-'it has to be a surprise'.

poshsinglemum Sat 03-Oct-09 22:02:58

I have ''friends'' like this.

The ones who love it when I'm not doing well and compete when I am.

Oh well. It sucks. I guess just stick to those who love you no matter how you are doing in life. They are the keepers.

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