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what should i do? leave it alone or stick w/ my morals?

(30 Posts)
haven Wed 08-Jun-05 14:50:29

make a very very long story short. MIL hates me and doesn't like my daughter. we haven't (my dh does) spoke to her in over a year. she sent bad letters about me to ds ped. and made my dd leave her home.(8 years old)
delimma. i am starting college in aug. MIL and FIL have alot of green. dh said they should pay for it because of other tax reason(trust don't alow us to qualify for gov. help) I don't want her money to pay for anything. i don't want anything to do with her. i don't want to fight with dh, but taking her money to pay for school goes against everything i believe in. kinda like saying this is my price. it may sound petty, but MIL has been the center of all dh and i problems since day one. she always thought i wanted money, as that is NOT who i am about. i am the kind of person that believes in GOD. not holly roll'n but i believe that greediness makes you a bad person. i am a independent person, i like to do things on my own, that way i feel great when it is done. I DID IT. dh hates that about me, should i stick like glue to what i believe or give in and save an arguement...as dh will just freak out. he doesn't understand, he is a hard worker, but never ever did without anything so do do without is just crazy to him.

moondog Wed 08-Jun-05 14:52:54

What,you are even half considering asking a woman you despise to pay for your college course?

If you do,you're stuffed from all angles.

pinkmama Wed 08-Jun-05 14:53:21

It sounds like you know what you want to do Haven, cant imagine it is going to make you happy taking her money. WOuld she give it to you if she feels so strongly about you?

Gwenick Wed 08-Jun-05 14:54:15

No I wouldn't

kama Wed 08-Jun-05 14:54:25

Message withdrawn

Twiglett Wed 08-Jun-05 14:54:48

take the money and she'll have a hold over you for the rest of your life

stick like glue it will reinforce to her that actions speak far louder than her wallet

good luck

Caligula Wed 08-Jun-05 14:55:06

Stick to your guns. Otherwise, she'll hold it over you forever. You will actually have to kill her if you accept her money.

bossykate Wed 08-Jun-05 14:56:26

but if i have understood correctly the issue is with haven's dh who won't be happy if she doesn't take the money.

i agree with everyone else. will try and think of ways you could approach the issue with your dh.

Lizzylou Wed 08-Jun-05 14:56:44

I'd go with your gut instinct and steer clear of anything to do with MIL....

Pruni Wed 08-Jun-05 15:06:20

Message withdrawn

norash Wed 08-Jun-05 16:21:13

Stick to your guns gal. You'll just give them/her more ammunition if you give in and take the money.

good luck gal.

MeerkatsUnite Wed 08-Jun-05 16:37:25

Don't whatever you do take her cash; she will have you both beholden to her and under her obligation for all time if you do.

Why does your DH think they should pay for your course?. Tax reasons?. I cannot work out his reasoning at all behind that one. I am assuming a lot here but perhaps your DH is hoping from some rapproachment in your relationship with his parents by the action of you accepting their funds. He needs to take his head out of the sand.

WigWamBam Wed 08-Jun-05 16:40:49

Steer clear of the money; she will think that she owns you, and you will be paying for this in ways other than financially for the rest of your life.

ninah Wed 08-Jun-05 17:28:56

I agree. Completing a college course is an achievement, you want to feel proud not beholden.

docket Wed 08-Jun-05 17:33:15

agree with everyone else, think you should steer well clear of the cash

ChaCha Wed 08-Jun-05 17:57:47

Stick to your guns! Don't take the money.

chipmonkey Wed 08-Jun-05 18:08:24

Don't take the money, have a good long talk with your dh and tell him if he loves you he'll respect your wishes.

WideWebWitch Wed 08-Jun-05 18:19:54

Don't take the money, it's not worth it.

eemie Wed 08-Jun-05 19:06:46

I feel similarly about my MIL and not only would I not accept her money even if we were broke, I wouldn't accept any legacy after she dies, either for us or for dd.

To remind myself why this is essential I only have to think about dd's first birthday. MIL sent me a cheque to buy her a present along with what I can only call a poison pen letter, full of malice, about why she couldn't buy a present herself. I tore up the cheque, as anything I bought with such horrible associations would not be worth having in the house.

From what you've said about your MIL, any motive she has for wanting to pay your college fees can only be selfish.

haven Wed 08-Jun-05 21:00:29

to clear up the financial scene.
dh and SIL both have trust set up. the trust earn enough annually and it shows up through the IRS. So we can not get health ins. help through gov., child day care assistance, anything that requires us to give a annual income because interest earned is infact earned income.
i would not receive a pell grant due to this i would only be able to receive loans. this is the arguement that dh gives me. they make a killing off of his ss#, so he said it would only be right for them to pay. we also can't even file our own taxes!!! we have to give it to her.

BUT, i just can't get over all the sh*t she has done to me. MOONDOG, honey you have no idea, stuffed with angels. from saying i was trash, to trying to get my children from me, to lying to me, yes she hates me, but, extremely mulipulative!

i know it sounds crazy, but even dh sees it now, heck even her own sister says she worries about her. she likes control. which is why YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!! if i take the money in her own lil world, we NEEDED HER, but in reality we would be getting what was rightfully ours. I don't want to make a big deal over nothing, but it is anything but NOTHING.
* just a lil something about her-she told her daughter whom is 26, that if she didn't do what she wanted her to do then she would have to pay her own way to college and pay back the money. same daughter, was engaged! MIL told her if she didn't break off the engagement then she wouldn't pay for school. she is the kind of woman when you meet you think she is great, nice and sweet and that stuff, only to find out right after you left she is telling someone all the reasons she thinks they shouldn't have anything to do with you.

THE money by law is tecninically ours up to a certain $$ which i won't mention, but it still is their money. am i making since to you?

likklemum Wed 08-Jun-05 21:31:03

What a tricky situation Hun. As your DP understands the history, surely he can understand your reluctance to accept the money. Particularly with reference to the way she has treated her own family!
Could you not argue, that after you gain your qualification your income will be more (dont know what course?) and therefore paying back a bank loan would not effect your income as you would still be making more money than you are at the mo? Obviously depends on your situation and predicted starting wage in new job.

madmarchhare Wed 08-Jun-05 21:34:19

Dont touch her money, not even with a very long stick.

likklemum Wed 08-Jun-05 21:37:09

Or a pooper-scooper!

haven Wed 08-Jun-05 21:55:08

new dilemma,(can't spell)
went online to fill out student loan form. need tax forms from MIL to even fill them out. i was going to just get the damned loan and deal with the consiquences later. but, i can't. i am stuck. someone tell me.

bossykate Wed 08-Jun-05 22:04:52

hi haven, sorry, i don't have any further advice, but if you don't mind, i would love to know where in the states you're from - if i had to guess i would say you are a southerner.

please don't be offended if i have got it wrong

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