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Is it time to say enough is enough? Long but could do with help.

(5 Posts)
hahaimawitch Thu 01-Oct-09 17:54:34

Has anyone cut their family out of their lives as they just can't cope anymore?
Long history of problems, alcholic mother who lives in denial, makes life incredibly difficult for me and my brother. We never discuss it with her as she may do something silly and has done in the past.
This has led to both my brother and I having a fairly fractured relationship with her, on the surface we all get on but underneath we are screaming.
My brother and I deal with it in different ways but both avoid her and only speak on the phone if possible.
I can accept this but am finding it harder and harder to handle the fallout.
Cue issues between me and my brother. Mainly close but for some reason he isn't talking to me now and won't return my calls. I have no idea why.
I am well aware that his wife and family cannot abide me, my fault in the main (very long story). To a certain point I accept I deserve some of what is now happening but my son doesn't.
Now years later I don't know my nephew, I watch him grow up on Facebook. I have tried and tried to make things better, invited them here, said we will meet them etc. I can never ever speak to my SIL as she doesn't answer the phone. I suspect she screens her calls.
My son was desperately hurt when my brother didn't turn up for lunch, didn't call or anything.
I see pictures of my nephew online with his other uncle (my SIL'S BIL) who my brother has slagged off to me beyond belief but is happy to go on holiday with him. My brother never stops talking to me about how vile his SIL and BIL are but they play a huge part in his and my nephews life.
This is breaking my heart and I wonder if it would just be easier to say ok, we won't see any of you again. The poo would really hit the fan with my mother, god knows what my brother would say and my SIL will dance in the street. But calling an end to it all seems to be the only way.

viennesewhirl Thu 01-Oct-09 18:18:00

Wow - so much going on here. It's hard to say without knowing the history, but it seems like you're all really angry with each other (people are "vile" etc). Do you really have no idea why your brother's not talking to you? Have you asked him? I'd find that really hard, if it had honestly come out of the blue. You say you're at fault for the fact that your SIL and her family don't like you - don't know what you did/said, but if it's that bad, and it's really breaking your heart that your nephew and your son don't see each other, then you need to make amends somehow. Which is more than just inviting them over, you probably need to spell it out. Tell them you're sorry (if you are), tell them you know you were wrong and you'd like them to forgive you and to give your families a chance to be close. I can see that that would be a tough thing to do - and obviously on the surface, just saying 'oh sod it' and cutting them out of your lives will be tougher and more painful in the long wrong. I suggest (though like I say, I don't know the history, or the complexities, I'm sure you're not the only one at fault), you be the bigger person and apologise sincerely and unconditionally, and tell them you understand why they don't want to see you but you want to change (or have changed, or whatever).
Is that doable? If they really won't see you, you might need to write it all down, but whatever - make sure it's sincere and without criticism of them (this would not be the place for it).

viennesewhirl Thu 01-Oct-09 18:19:42

ok - got my thoughts mixed up there - meant to say:

I can see that that would be a tough thing to do - and obviously on the surface, just saying 'oh sod it' and cutting them out of your lives might feel easier now, but actually will be tougher and more painful in the long run.

hahaimawitch Thu 01-Oct-09 18:47:38

At the time of the fallout and since I have tried and tried and tried to fix things. I have told them how sorry I am and I will regret it to my dying day.
Honestly, my brother has fallen off the radar. Was coming for lunch, didn't show and now won't answer calls at home or on mobile.
They know how totally devestated I am over what happened. If I could change things I would but I can't. I have totally taken the hit on it, there are others involved but I took the blame 110%.
If they won't answer the phone what do I do? I live 300 miles from them so can't pop round.
The crux of the problem really is longtem and is our parents and their disaterous marriage, the alchol and so much more.
Perhaps cutting and running is the cowards way, write it all down and run. Believe me if I wrote it all down none of my family would speak to me, its just the way it works. Noone takes responsibility for their actions and I would be in the wrong.

hahaimawitch Thu 01-Oct-09 18:53:54

By the way I am more than happy to admit when I am in the wrong, the rest of them aren't. I have always been the bad apple while they are all whiter that sodding white. Which if they were would be fine but they really really aren't.

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