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Please come and help me sort out my life ( but be gentle...)

(10 Posts)
littlestmummystop Wed 30-Sep-09 21:31:05

I met a lovely guy 3 years ago. Within a couple of months of dating though I didn't feel 'sure' about him but he was very handsome, kind, intelligent and amazing with my DD.

We moved in together a year later and then he bought a huge house for us all to live in.

It felt like a disaster from the off. I never felt that 'connected' with him and found him aloof, non-affectionate and cold. I started to feel like he wasn't 'on my side' in life. .( perhaps it was his immense stress at work, or an illness he was struck with?)

I tried to break it off with him a few times but he always suddenly seemed so devastated I went back. Then I lost my job and my dad died suddenly and he became a bit of a rock to me. But weeks after dad's death I moved out ( and we carried on seeing each other) and I felt so happy to have my space back.
Then I was being chased by a man who seemed infatuated by me and was all the things exP wasn't ( funny, good conversationalist, etc) and I found the courage to end it.

Now six months on wonder what I've done. I have almost no family ( my dad was my rock), few friends close by, rocky job situation and have never felt so low and lonely in my life.

I was beginning to regret ending it with him as I've been on a few dates with god-awful men, and started to only see exp's good points now. Then he dropped bombshell he'd met someone else. envy

This has been unbearably painful for me. I've tried to not say anything, but finally cracked and have asked him back.
He says he's going to think about it........

I'm in such turmoil as I really want him back on one hand but feel scared and selfish about what I've done. Is it just a fantasy that people can change? Should I just let him go? Please help me sort out my life.

rookiemater Wed 30-Sep-09 21:57:56

My immediate reaction on reading this is that you need to let your exP go. You tried living with him, you tried not living with him and it does seem to me that your interest now is primarily because he has found someone else and you haven't.

Your exP sounds like a decent man, he provided a house to live in for yourself and your DD and gave you support when your father died so I'm not sure why he needs to change and if you honestly believe deep down that you have a future together then you need to accept that he is what he is and decide if you can build a life around that.

Mamazon Wed 30-Sep-09 22:01:37

you never felt truely comfortable with him and were right to end it.

your missing having a relationship, any relationship, because you are lonely.

you are remembering through rose tinted glasses.
you need time with yourself with teh space you need to find what it is you do want, but im fairly sure it isn't XP

groundhogs Wed 30-Sep-09 22:04:06

I think that you DID make the right decision, the seemingly infatuated guy did you a favour, he made it easier to do what you knew you had to do, but hadn't got a big enough reason to do. You know the relationship wasn't right, right from beginning.

You perhaps may be looking back at your ex with rose tinted specs. Ok so you've met a few losers, but it's too soon to worry about meeting anyone, you've just lost your dad, come out of a long relationship etc. You need to find yourself again. Once you have processed everything, you will be ready.

You don't really want him back, you want only the best bits of him back, which were elusive enough to begin with.

Just let him go, deal with the grief of losing your dad, and focus on your daughter and your job.

You've had a rough time of it, it's no wonder you are scared of moving forward and are looking backwards.

Deep breath honey, it WILL be OK, no looking back!! grin

littlestmummystop Wed 30-Sep-09 22:08:36

Thanks groundhog.

I was on my own for 4 years before meeting exP and I suppose back then thought it was right thing to do to settle. He was and IS lovely. But I never felt like he 'got' me. I could make comments and he'd never respond in the way I expected him to iyswim.

This BIG wobble is because I'm scared of letting him go completely because what if the grass really isn't greener and he was the best there is ?

It kills me to think of him with someone else too.

OptimistS Wed 30-Sep-09 23:27:19

Littlestmummystop, I feel sad for you. You sound so low. I think the key here is the sentence: "I have almost no family ( my dad was my rock), few friends close by, rocky job situation and have never felt so low and lonely in my life."

To me, it seems as though you're at a major turning point in your life. It's something we all experience, though some of us push it away and do our best to ignore it. How you deal with moments like this often have a huge impact on your life from that point on.

You seem to have two major things going on: Grief and loneliness.

Dealing with grief can often take years before it's dealt with properly, even though the sad, tearful stage may have ended some time ago. To some extent, grief is a process that carries on indefinitely. Even now, 15 years after the death of my beloved mother, I can talk about her without sadness or bitterness at my loss, and feel only joy and happiness at the memories, but since the birth of my own children I get 'waves' of wistfulness, imagining how great she'd have been with them, etc.

If your Dad died only a few months ago, go easy on yourself. Although others will expect you to be 'getting over it' a little by now, you're still in the very early stages. Your attraction to your Ex may have a lot to do with your subconscious desperately wanting some point of human contact with someone who was in your life before your dad died. There's a weird sense of familiarity and comfort about that. There's not a lot you can do about it other than avoid making life-changing decisions right now and give yourself a bit more time before deciding how you want to spend the next chapter of your life.

You also sound lonely, which again is a common feeling after bereavement, even for those surrounded by family. There's that sense of 'no one will ever understand me the way he did'. Be careful you're not projecting that on to your X and making him out to be something he's not. If he was that understanding you wouldn't have left him in the first place. Exes are exes for a reason, and unless anything dramatic has happened to him in the period since you broke up, he's unlikely to have changed. Those same problems will more than likely resurface. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, just means you're not compatible.

You've been on your own for a while and are probably fed up with being the strong one who handles everything. You probably want someone to look after you for a change. You deserve that, I'm sure, but it is better to be the strong, alone person than the sad, bitter person in the wrong relationship.

In your situation I'd spend a bit of time cementing the relationship with the family members I have left and building a close circle of friends (whether reigniting past friendships or creating new ones). Take up a hobby or just do something you've always wanted but never got round to (I got my motorbike licence). You will end up with your life feeling much more complete and won't be so vulnerable to looking for a relationship to make you feel better... which almost never works.

You may find that the job situation seems more stable/promising once you feel a bit more positive about life in general. But if not, think about where you want to go. It will give you a path to follow even if now isn't the right time to be going down it. Just having a goal will make you feel more positive and in control.

Ultimately, I don't know your ex. He may be 'the one' for all I know and it may be your issues making the relationship rocky. But only you can answer that and I think, deep down, you'll know if he is or whether you're just looking for him to provide something that can only come from within.

Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. You've been a single parent, which is one of the hardest and most valuable jobs in the world. You're juggling that with a job and you're also going through a particularly hard time right now. Don't be afraid to give yourself a break and lean on others. You're not superwoman. But remember that friendships/family can give you more here, without expectation of anything back, than can a new man or an ex lover with an agenda.

Good luck. smile

OptimistS Wed 30-Sep-09 23:27:47

Whoa, that was really long. Sorry. blush

busybutterfly Wed 30-Sep-09 23:29:16

Never go back. Applies to jobs and men smile

SolidGoldBrass Wed 30-Sep-09 23:30:32

It's much better to be on your own than to be 'making do' with someone. However nice and kind that someone might be, in the end you will start to resent and despise them for just existing.

littlestmummystop Thu 01-Oct-09 07:57:24

OptimistS- what a truly lovely post. Thank you so much. You are right in so many ways.

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