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Once you have suspected an affair....is there anything that can actually CONVINCE you it is all in your head?

(40 Posts)
ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 20:23:38

Now I know that it is all going to come down to how convinced you actually are that he is being infaithful etc....but assuming that you have no proof, and there are 100% rationale (probably more rationale than what you are thinking) explainations for all you suspicions.

So when he says "honestly love there is nothing going on"....well he is hardly going to say much else if he wants to cover up is he....so his promise isn't IMO enough.

So what (if anything) could convince you (i.e. me) that it is all in my head?

<I know that it is all a bit cryptic etc...so I know that I am looking for general answers....but please try and run with me before I run away (metaphorically speaking) for the wrong reasons>

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 30-Sep-09 20:28:13

hire a private detective?
swop mobiles?
get keylogger software?
check mileage?
check bank accounts?
have passwords to all his emails and check them?

or maybe it might be better to go to Relate to talk through these trust issues?

Because you can't keep tabs on someone 24/7. You can only trust them. If you don't then you have a problem.

Someone who wants to stray, will stray, and the only way for you to stop them is to chain them to a radiator.

I would also add though, that you should trust your instincts. Don't be so quick to dismiss your niggling feelings.

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 20:32:07

thanks Hecate....trust me I haven't dismissed my niggling feelings - hence the reason for my posting.

Thing is - genuinely - this won't (if it is) be the first time. I am still trying to decide whether I am being too paranoid because I have been bitten once.

I am 99% sure that there is nothing physical...but just because there is nothing physcial it can still be wrong - right?

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 30-Sep-09 20:44:41

Yes, it can. This "emotional affair" stuff people bang on about is a crock of shit. I understand that it makes them feel better, but it's fake. An emotional affair is what happens just before he shags her (or what happens when he has shagged her but manages to convince you they just talked and connected and got close and...) But somehow saying it wasn't an affair, it was an emotional affair, makes it less painful I suppose.

What is he doing that makes you feel this way?

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 20:50:35

I dunno...

the way he looks at her
the way that he talks to her
something he said to her/called her/tone of voice with her when he answered his phone to her (I suspect that he forgot I was in the house)
the way that he suddenly changes in mind on going somewhere when he finds out she will be going

because of all of the above I start questioning whether he is being more defensive with his mobile or whether I am imagining it

because of all of the above I start questioning DD (3yo) about whether she has been upstairs when she has been in our house (and obviously get an incoherant 3yo's answer).

He wanted to leave me a month ago...now I am wondering if this is why

my head is just screwed up with all sorts of scrambled thoughts. I just want to up and movre to the other side of the country and start a new life, but don't want to be responsible for breaking up the family if I am wrong.

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 30-Sep-09 20:52:25

Why didn't he go when he wanted to?

Do you want to be with someone who wanted to leave you?

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 30-Sep-09 20:59:02

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good. If he's done it before, everything you say until almost the last line could be explained away by your entirely understandable concerns. It's the bit about him wanting to leave you that sounds the most alarm bells though. I still haven't come across a man wanting to leave without there being someone waiting in the wings.

Ok. Decide what you'd do if your suspicions are confirmed. In your shoes, I wouldn't hesitate to get proof now though, what ever the outcome to that question is. If you've already asked him and got a denial, he might be in tracks-covering mode though.

So you might need to be a bit more covert e.g. sim card reader etc.

Post more and we'll try to help. So sorry, it's horrible.

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:03:04

He wanted a break from everything in his life. He didn't know what he wanted. TBH he was talking about a weekend away, week away, temporary seperation rather than permanent.

I was destraut and was happy he stayed. We have changed aspects of our relationship...and things have been going great for the last month...

I just feel that I am in a lose lose situation now. I have lost my trust in him whatever happens. Or there is something going on and I have lost him.

I feel like a fool. I either look foolish because I have "accused" him of this and I am wrong. Or I look foolish because (at least from where he is sitting) he has managed to pull the wool over my eyes.

I think I just need out, but ATM I can't admit that, and TBH I don't want out if I can find a way to 100% convince myself that it is all in my head.

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:06:35

What will prove it either way though? Other than an outright confession?

If I can show that he has been texting/calling her then without knowing what is said then there could still be rational explainations.

Part of me wants to go talk to her DH. Sound him out to see if he has suspicions...but I don't want to break up another family if I am wrong. I don't want to destroy DPs friendship if I am wrong.

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:08:32

A good way to describe my concerns ATM is that I don't necessarily think there is anything going on, I just can't convince myself there isn't.

I feel as though I am in limbo. I want proof either way so that I can take the appropriate action.

Mutt Wed 30-Sep-09 21:18:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winestein Wed 30-Sep-09 21:21:03

I suspected, niggled, felt, had inklings and all of those emotions and I was right. I gave him a chance, I gave him a second chance and then I left him. He was having an emotional affair, and it stemmed from my rejection of his sexual advances 3 weeks post partum.

You shouldn't feel like this in a relationship! Or shouldn't have to. If you have aired your feelings to your partner, how has he tried to comfort you other than "honest guv, nothing's going on"?

Hecate - in my opinion (and the result of a quick survey conducted by Monkeytrousers ages ago) emotional affairs hit hardest because of the nature of men and women.

foxinsocks Wed 30-Sep-09 21:21:53

well I think if he's innocent then it should be up to him to show that he is but in reality, it doesn't really work that way.

if it's happened before though and you are getting that inkling again, I'd be inclined to think you are right till proven wrong rather than the other way round, however hard that may be.

Tbh, I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want to know? Do you see a future with this man anyway (despite all of this)?

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:31:02

I don't know what I want...short of doing anything it takes to numb the way I am feeling now sad

winestein Wed 30-Sep-09 21:37:23

Yes, that's what I did too DerekDrew. It doesn't help in the long run; or short term come to that. I know how hard it is. Do you know what your options are?

Mutt Wed 30-Sep-09 21:38:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winestein Wed 30-Sep-09 21:40:22

Mutt, I have wholeheartedly agreed with both of your posts on this.

foxinsocks Wed 30-Sep-09 21:41:36

yes I tend to agree with mutt . I think the numb feeling is because you don't want to believe it is happening to you. Totally understandable too . But you sound like you deserve so much better than this.

hettie Wed 30-Sep-09 21:46:30

can I ask how you dealt with it when it happened before? Did you go for any couples therpay- Relate etc? As it sounds like old issues are coming to the fore (whether or not any 'affair' is hapening). If the relationship is rocky, would DH agree to some counselling?

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:46:42

Sorry winesein....what did you do?

My options..
I stay put with DP
I kick him out, but in reality can't stay here as she is a neighbour
I walk out

I have nowhere to go to...so walking out is going to be a longer term action and TBH I would be looking to move elsewhere where I can start a new life. I don't really have any close friends other than DP (ha!), and am not really close to my family.

Then comes the DDs, I can't leave them, but DP is currently the main carer...

He can't afford to by me out of the house. I don't want to stay here (see above). I don't really want to be burdened with the mortgage I would end up with.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 30-Sep-09 21:47:07

Understand a bit more now, Derek. FWIW, a SIM card reader lets you read the actual texts, not just the fact that there have been some.

Are you able to say who she is - and how she came to be in your house when your DH was looking after your child? Is she a friend of yours? Ultimately - would you regard her as a friend of the marriage? I genuinely believe that if a couple have friends that are not friends of the marriage, they are on dodgy territory already.

Might help to explain his previous affair - often people will follow the same patterns as before - or depending on how you found out, change their track-covering behaviour entirely.

Did he talk to this woman about leaving you? If so, what was her opinion? That might give you some clues.

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:49:29

Before we were barely adults. I literally caught hum shagging her.

I was 100% dependant on him for financial support, and although I am not saying that was what made my decision it did - at least sub-consciously make my decision to stay easier. In that instance - the I could 100% believe that it was her that instigated it. This time I can't.

ThisBoyDerekDrew Wed 30-Sep-09 21:54:18

I think that I have answered most of those questions in my xposts.

She is his best friends wife, and I would say that she is was a friend of us both...but he does have more contact.

We haven't discussed his previous wobbles...but I am trying to think if there is something that I can throw into conversation when I see her over the next few days to see if I can catch her out.

Just talking like that sounds so wrong. It just shows how much trust I have and that is just wrong.

Feeling very crap here ATM sad

groundhogs Wed 30-Sep-09 21:55:27

"Part of me wants to go talk to her DH. Sound him out to see if he has suspicions...but I don't want to break up another family if I am wrong. I don't want to destroy DPs friendship if I am wrong."

I'm sorry, but a big part of me thinks that it's wholly inappropriate for DH to be super special friends with another mans wife...

Where I've been living the last 3yrs, there is one supposedly good rule. That married men and married women do not speak to each other unless they are married to each other.

I say supposedly, cos of course Hypocrisyland that it is... DH has had 19 (yes you read right.. nineteen) married women, mostly married to his friends calling, texting and going round to the flat we used to share, offering themselves to him. Cos I'm back in the UK and his needs are not being met...

Thank GOD it's backfiring on them, he's more determined to leave that nuthouse than ever.. and they are all individually on a warning, contact me again, and I'll tell your DH... So far all is calm.

I think if your gut is trying to tell you something, then you ought to listen. I think if there IS a friendship at all between this woman and your husband, and you know her DH, then perhaps you ought to have a chat with him. If you are wrong you are wrong, but if you are right, it stops the rot right now. Unless of course you would prefer the ignorance is bliss approach.

Try the sim card readers, and whatever else you can, then speak to her DH. He may not have noticed anything, men can be a little clueless on subtleties, but you never know!

winestein Wed 30-Sep-09 21:59:17

I was in a position where I could leave him behind in the house. I also had nowhere to go, but found somewhere suitable after about 6 weeks. Your choices don't sound as easy, although you have to ask yourself if it is really a choice or a drive.

I have to say, one of your options should not be stay put with DP. If you stay with him, you need to move things on and if I am being honest, in my experience of this situation it doesn't move on. More stagnates, if anything.

Does DP work? Do you work longer hours? How is he the main carer? There are a lot of childcare options you can consider.

As impossible as it seems right now (and I would not be at all surprised if you are being affected by depression - I know I was) it really is possible. I run a consultancy and work away. I had probably managed to free myself from depression by the time I left though - I started to believe in myself again.

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