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My trust in him is spiralling down, what can I do?

(90 Posts)
ChangedIdentity Wed 30-Sep-09 11:48:22

The past month or two has shown me I am losing faith and trust in my DP. Talking between the two of us doesn't help. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from, nor what my point is. He tends to jump to the wrong conclusion, so this often causes unnecessary arguements. I feel I can't speak to him about issues anymore as it gets us nowhere and just causes more tension than there already is.

I have considered Relate, but we can't afford it really (I'm a student, DP works, but we struggle enough as it is each month). I don't know if DP would even go for it, as I'm not sure he even sees we have a problem. He doesn't talk to me like I want him to, and I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not sure what other avenues we could try? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How have other people regained trust?

ChangedIdentity Wed 30-Sep-09 18:30:07

Bump in case anyone has any advice for me. Thanks.

Aussieng Wed 30-Sep-09 18:54:01

It sounds as if you have some communications problems but I don't really uderstand why the issue is a "trust" one tbh unless the things he is jumping to conclusions about are trust issues? If he jumps to the wrong conclusions can't you just explain that he is wrong - or do you "react" and then end up arguing?

I think more people need to understand that in a relationship where one person thinks there is a problem -then there is a problem. That is not something which requires agreement from your DP and you need to trust yourself on this.

HappyWoman Wed 30-Sep-09 18:56:07

why is it a trust issue - what has he done to make you lose your trust in him.

Have your tried reading men are from mars? Explains how men handle conflict in a very different way and often see to not get it.

ChangedIdentity Wed 30-Sep-09 19:20:39

Sorry I didn't make myself clear properly to begin with. I haven't been thinking straight lately. Something has happened that has shaken my trust in him. He hasn't cheated on me or anything, but he got very close to someone which could have led somewhere over a month ago. Now I'm just very wary of the situation as he still talks to the girl and I'm very uncomfortable with it.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 10:01:58


gonnabehappy Thu 01-Oct-09 10:27:29

Does he know how unhappy you are? It is an important starting point. If he dismisses your unhappiness is daft then you have got some serious thinking to do regardless of this potential other woman.

cheerfulvicky Thu 01-Oct-09 10:31:29

you might be able to get referred for couples or individual counselling on the NHS? May be worth speaking to your GP.
It's horrible when the trust goes

HappyWoman Thu 01-Oct-09 10:45:25

firstly you need to tell him how unhappy you are with this situation. And as others have said he should not dismiss this feeling of yours as silly in anyway.

But he hasnt actually broken your trust yet - do you think he wants to take it further with the woman?

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 10:48:11

gonnabehappy, he knows I'm unhappy at the moment. But doesn't know why. I think as far as he's concerned, the matter is dealt with. It's been 8 weeks since I found out about this other girl. We talked about it, he knew then my trust was shaken. He's tried to make amends in the beginning but went the wrong way about it by hiding any communications with her from me. He thought I would feel better if I didn't know hmm But we haven't spoken about it since though it has been on my mind. I'm not sure what I would even tell him if I brought it up.

cheerfulvicky, is that possible? I did have two years of counselling and typically, this happened the week of my final session. But I didn't realise that we could possibly get couple counselling through it. I do feel very lost and confused on what I am to do now.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 10:49:57

Happywoman, I don't think so. At least I hope not. I trust him enough to know he won't cheat on me physically, but in some ways it does feel like he has emotionally. When we talked about it, he realised he was wrong but I believe he still talks to the woman.

BitOfFun Thu 01-Oct-09 10:56:06

Do you have children together? If not, I would be tempted to file this one under CBA and move on. Relationships are supposed to make you happy, at least most of the time.

JeminTheDungeon Thu 01-Oct-09 11:01:59

If you DO want to go to Relate I know they have a 'sliding' scale for payment.

Sounds like yoi need to sort out this issue..leaving it won't help you put it to rest, it will just stay there, festering. I hope you are able to sit down and talk through your feelings.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 11:05:45

Bitoffun, we have 1 DD so I would like to think I can get past this and get back to being happy. We were very happy before this happened. Now it seems a bit of a struggle.

Jeminthedungeon, how does that work? I know I need to speak to him. I suppose I'm partly scared to, and partly unsure as to what I'd actually end up saying other than I'm still not happy with the situation. I don't think he would stop speaking to this woman if he knew how uncomfortable I am with it, and possibly try to hide it from me even more. And I suppose I'm afraid of that happening, because then I have my answer as to what I need to do next

gonnabehappy Thu 01-Oct-09 11:31:17

I really think you need to tell him what an affect this has had on you. You need not make it accusatory but he does need to know, otherwise he can't help and more to the point things will spiral downwards in your relationship. My husband hid stuff from me too - and most of the hiding was due to not wanting to hurt me/make me worry. It took a long while to understand that complete transparency is/was what I needed (mind you my husband had a lengthy/serious affair). Although our situations are slightly different I do think the same things apply.

An emotional affair (if that is what it was) is so so painful.

My advice is concentrate on telling how you feel, not what he does/has done/is doing and see what happens.

PS I agree with trying to have some special time to make you feel more secure, I just don't know if that is possible until you both understand the impact this has had on your marriage.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 11:35:16

So I just sat down with a piece of paper and pen and started writing about what's just going on in my head.

I realised I don't trust the situation and that I'm worried he is still talking to her and being "close" to her as he was if you will. I feel very threatened by this, and I'm annoyed with DP that he should have realised when we first spoke about it that I should be his first priority since he keeps talking about marriage and more children. I feel I'm not good enough for him as it appears to me he needs to have his cake and eat it by getting attention from this other woman. It feels a lot like they rely on each other as well. Why can't he rely on me?

As we haven't spoken about it since, I have no reassurance or confirmation that he has changed the way he acts with this girl, I just have to believe in him enough to believe that he has. But as I've already established, my trust in him isn't what it use to be. Any communications he has with her are now hidden from me and I know it's his way of thinking he is helping and protecting me by not feeling worse over it, but it's just making it worse because he's hiding it from me and makes me question it more.

So I suppose I know now what I want/need to say to him.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 11:40:41

Thank you gonnabehappy. I will try and not make it sound like I'm not accusing him of anything, but I think if I end up getting angry I may end up saying something I don't mean/want to say. But I'll try and stick with how I'm feeling.

Yes transparency is what I need, but he thought I meant I wanted him to tell me everything he is doing, to read out every text and stuff. He didn't understand I meant I need him to just be more open and honest and not hide stuff. I tell him what I'm doing or who I've spoken to, and want him to be the same.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 11:48:10

Do you think my thoughts just then sound as if I'd be accusing him if I said that at the moment he hasn't given me any hint that he has changed his behaviour? I can see him getting angry if I spoke about what I just wrote down.

gonnabehappy Thu 01-Oct-09 11:50:42

It is a very tricky one. I have no interest in reading every single email my husband gets. I need to know I can if I wanted to (I now have code to blackberry and do look sometimes, hate myself for doing it, and it does not help because he could always wipe off/encrypt anything he did not want me to see).It is so hard to rebuild trust, from both our points of view.

It also feels important that I have a rough idea of what he does each day - but this is easier to deal with in the grounds of feeling closer.

Good luck honey.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 01-Oct-09 11:54:18

What is hard to judge from your posting is whether your suspicions are reasonable or not. Is this girl a workmate of your H's or someone within his social circle that he can;t avoid without making a big deal of it? Has he past form for cheating or have you past form for suspecting him wrongly?
Obviously you know your own situation but please bear in mind that it is very, very wearing to live with a partnet who is constantly suspecting infidelity purely because s/he is insecure. If you are insecure and unreasonably jealous, you need to sort yourself out rather than expecting other people to modify their behaviour.

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 12:02:17

Thanks gonnabehappy.

Solidgoldbrass, I saw messages that confirmed he was acting inappropriately. When brought to DP's attention, he realised he was wrong in behaving in such a way and apologised for it. She is a friend, someone I haven't met but know of, but I don't think she is friends with any of DP's other friends. I haven't accused DP of anything, not even when we talked. I'm sorry if it's come across that way on here. I know I am insecure and jealous with this situation, but I am also very wary of his behaviour towards her too. So I know I have to work at it as much as DP does to make this work out okay, if that makes sense.

HappyWoman Thu 01-Oct-09 12:03:28

the good thing he had admitted it was 'wrong' and in fact if he is still hiding things he knows he is doing 'wrong'.
The problem is he is justifying this by making you feel as if you are wrong to accuse him and not trust him - he then deflects that onto you with anger and arguements.
You feel you are not helping and so it becomes a spiral down as you describe it.

He has 'said' he is doing wrong but hasnt actually backed that up with any actions has he?
He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear but because he doesnt want to cut contact with this ow he is being selfish - whilst giving you the guilt.

It is tricky - as he will just carry on saying he is not really doing anything wrong and the more it upsets you he will see as you just being silly - aghhhhhh. MEN

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 12:07:47

You just summed it up well happywoman.

HappyWoman Thu 01-Oct-09 12:11:37

sorry been there done that - dont what ever you do just ignore it and put up.

It will come back to haunt you and unless you deal with it not you will look silly still harping on about it in the future.

Good luck.

You somehow need to make he change his behaviour - and you just asking him does not seem to be working - is that because he doesnt want to??

ChangedIdentity Thu 01-Oct-09 12:22:28

Maybe. I mean, I asked him if I was to ask him to stop talking to that woman (I wasn't actually asking him to), would he and he didn't answer, just said I would be out of order to ask him to stop. And in a way I know he's right, I wouldn't like it if DP asked me to stop being friends with someone, but I'd like to think I would understand if the friendship was putting such a strain on our relationship and that I would go out of my way to make DP feel better. But it appears DP doesn't feel quite the same way as I do.

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