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Am i expecting too much?

(12 Posts)
avariceandlatinos Tue 29-Sep-09 17:13:50

Hello, i would like some advice in seeing if i'm being unreasonable, and what approach i might take instead.

Is expecting him to ask me to marry him expecting too much?

My Partner of 6 years walked out on me when i was pregnant saying he loved me but because i couldn't have an abortion (too late) and wouldn't adopt the child then he didn't want anything to do with us because he was 'too young' to be a father and if i wanted to keep dd it was my problem not his...he upset me a lot and i've spent the last two months in limbo and fear never knowing what mood he was going to be in when he showed up to 'talk', but i got on with it, and had my baby, and he moved out and has been (according to one friend) acting like a teenager on a drinking binge the last few months and i dont want to think what else. My parents dont like him because he rang them up trying to convince them to convince me to adopt the child because he believes marriage/house etc have to come first...basically, wanted me, not the baby, well, that was his excuse to getting out of fatherhood i now see because he also said then he wouldn't have to pay maintenance if she was adopted, lol, i do think he's grown up a bit the last couple of months though because of it.

My family all desperatly want me with them, they are very loving and supportive and i'm all packed up and ready to move away (permanently) to the otherside of the country. But gradually he's been spending more time with dd and realising she's a person and suddenly he has apologised and says please don't go i miss you (me, not her though which worries me a bit, could be him being closed with his emotions as usual though), i want you back, i want to move into a nice house together etc. But i'm scared of getting back into the relationship and being abandoned again. I'm worried i'll mess my future up by staying because although he seems like the old self i knew before all this, i'm worried he'll walk out on me again, or start taking us for granted again, that he'll not help with childcare which i desperatly need because of my studies (he evades the issue) and that we're just convenient to him somehow...? (means i'll have to use day care instead of family care while i work and she wont get to bond with people who love her loads for certain.) I can't just leave if i stay now and he walks out because i'm bound here to finish my postgrad course.

I don't even know if i love him anymore, i just want security after everything that has happened, i know i would love him again if i knew that i could rely on him on the rare occasions when i need assistance.

Basically, i know to convince my family and not feel like a total idiot if he does bail on me or if he starts neglecting dd or our relationship again, i'll regret horribly not going home to family, and i'll look foolish! I want to feel secure i guess, and marriage secures that because it means he is serious and if he isn't ready for that commitment i just feel in my heart that he isn't serious. Even an engagement ring (i don't care if it cost 50p). Am i being unreasonable? Should i ask him outright, or hope he proposes and if he doesn't, leave and go home because maybe he doesn't take this seriously? He often said children should only be raised by two married people but when he's in commitment phobic mode he says 'well i have a kid with you, that's more commitment than marriage' but he already walked out on that kid once... Or should i just stay in a civil relationship and hope it works out for the best even without the legal ties? I know marriage shouldn't be necessary...i just want to know he's serious, and so does everyone else.

But then, it's wrong of me not to give it a go because i think he's genuine, and it would be good for her to have both parents even if one of them is very unreliable! I know he'll do his best by us, as best as he can be which isn't always great...

his return would once have been the realisation of my ideals but it now feels like a hollow dream...he can't move home with me because of his career, otherwise that would have been the greatest realisation of his commitment to me lol, so failing that, marriage just seems reasonable. ... what is the most i should be asking for?

avariceandlatinos Tue 29-Sep-09 17:18:57

I can't just leave if i stay now and he walks out because i'm bound here to finish my postgrad course. - pardon, i mean, i will be commited to a year here if i stay now, instead of transfering.

randomtask Tue 29-Sep-09 17:21:08

Why the hell would you want to marry the man? Having a child together would to most people, be the most commitment you can have with someone. You did it and he walked out. If you stay with him you'll be waiting for him to go again and you already know in your heart that he's just putting up with your daughter, isn't really a Dad. I don't think she'll be missing out on a great Daddy if you move to your family, she'll be getting lots of people who love her.

Sorry to be so blunt but if you stay you'll have a miserable time and in the long run, so will your daughter.

Tillyscoutsmum Tue 29-Sep-09 17:23:08

Go home to your family..... this man sounds like a prize idiot who is in no way ready for the commitment of having a child. THAT is the important commitment - not getting married. It means fuck all having a piece of paper saying you're married if he has no intention of being a proper dad to his dd.

Sunfleurs Tue 29-Sep-09 17:23:58

This is a short response to a long post but I don't want you to think I say this lightly. I would not give this man a single moment more of mine or my dd's time. DO NOT marry him! Tbh the only thing going for this relationship at this time is that you are NOT married to this excuse for a man and won't have to go through the heartache of a divorce when he abandons you again.

He sounds horrific. I can understand someone being scared of parenthood but to try to persuade you to first abort then have adopted yours and his own child and not only that but to try to manipulate your parents into persuading you to do so also.......he sounds monstrous and deserves no more chances.

Hassled Tue 29-Sep-09 17:24:50

Sorry, but he sounds like a selfish, sel-obsessed tosser. Why on earth do you want to marry him? The ball isn't entirely in his court - if he wants to be with you he needs to make a lot of compromises and act like an adult. And he needs to prove that he can do that for a long long time before you (you, not him) should make the commitment of marriage.

Move to your family. Do your course. Enjoy your daughter, and enjoy life. If he cares enough and if he's worth it, he will sort himself out.

Buda Tue 29-Sep-09 17:26:12

Go home to your family. If he decides then that he is grown up enough to be a father and a husband he can work at it from afar. Plenty of others have done.

rubyslippers Tue 29-Sep-09 17:27:59

why aren't your alarm bells ringing?

or, are they and you are ignoring them?

he will walk out on you again only this time if you are married you will have to go through the pain of a divorce

you don't know if you love him - that means you don't

he rang your parents to get them to ask you, to get your DD adopted - vile behaviour

walk away now and treasure your DD - he never will

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 29-Sep-09 17:31:33

Why do you think so little of yourself and your daughter?

Go home to your family and don't look back.

He is trying out to be a cocklodger. (Tm MN)

mrsboogie Tue 29-Sep-09 20:09:06

Leave and do not look back. If he ever grows up and want to be a father (it is possible) he can work at it from where he is.

If you persuade him to marry you he will in 6 months' time tell you that he wasn't ready he was forced into it and he is off again. I can all but guarantee it.

Get on with your and your daughter's lives, if you are meant to be together you will be. If and when he grows up.

mrsboogie Tue 29-Sep-09 20:10:48

and to answer your original question, if he doesn't want to marry you then yes, it is too much to expect him to just to prove to your family that he is worth taking a chance on. All the wrong reasons.

freename Tue 29-Sep-09 20:30:36

With randomtask 100%. Having a child is by far the biggest commitment a couple can make. You can marry and divorce and there is nothing to show for it but with a child you are inexorably linked together forever, whatever side of the country you live in.
He bailed on you at a time when he should have shown maturity (and when you were most vulnerable) there is nothing to say he won't bail on you again for lesser reasons.
If you are doubting your strength to go just think about facing a pregnancy and labour on your own without his support. You have already done the hard work. You sound like you have an amazing family who want to be there for you.
I suspect your need to make it work with him comes from a sense of making it right with DD's father to complete the family unit but it is misplaced because he has already shown he is not reliable or dependable.
At the very least if you want him to prove himself see if he wants it bad enough to pursue a relationship with you and your DD across the country. If he gives up just because you moved you'll have your answer but you'll still be safe with your family's support.

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