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just found out my fiance is a liar need advice

(113 Posts)
pinky33 Tue 29-Sep-09 16:43:25

Hi All

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have been with my DD for 8 years now we had a good relationship or so I thought. My DD left his job 18 months ago he assured me that he had a new job to go to. So for the past 18 months he's been getting up early and going to work nothing unusual in that you say expect I just found out 2 days ago that he has no job and has been pretending to go to work for the past 18 months.

He's been giving me house keeping money which he says was from his savings I don't know whether to believe him I dread to think if he has accumulated debt due to his lying.

I found out from his mother. You see we are getting married in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do now cancel the wedding i can't beleive he lied to me for so long. DD has promised that he will find a job after we're married and says that he is sorry he lied.

I have a DS who is 10 from a previous relationship he loves my DD and they have a very close relationship. My DS doesn't see his real father that often so DD has really played a huge part in raising him over the past 8 years.

I know I'm going on a bit but I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly accepted.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 29-Sep-09 16:44:55

You mean DP or DF, rather than DD. But we get the message. Have you sat down and spoken with him about this?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 29-Sep-09 16:45:46

And at the very least, postpone the wedding.

AMumInScotland Tue 29-Sep-09 16:51:15

I think you definitely need to put the wedding on hold - it will take more than 2 weeks to make a sensible decision about what you want to do about this, and the pressure of feeling you "have to" sort it out will only make things worse.

18 months is a very long time to keep lying to someone every day - I guess maybe he slipped into it thinking it would only be for a little while, then couldn't think how to sort it.

But this does mean that your relationship is on a very rocky foundation - he thought it was ok to lie to you about something so important and/or he felt unable to talk to you about something so important. Neither of those is a good basis for a marriage.

RubysReturn Tue 29-Sep-09 16:52:43

Has he incurred debt, or do you think he has been doing something else to earn money?

pinky33 Tue 29-Sep-09 16:53:23

yes I have and all he can say is that he is sorry. He does not want to discuss it further. I feel like throttling him how could he lie for so long I feel so stupid.

I can't imagine spending my life with a man that does not want to work especially in this economic climate. I'm lucky in that I have a relatively well paid job.

We're getting married in 2 weeks and I just don't know what to do. I'm too ashamed to tell my family or my friends.

Scorps Tue 29-Sep-09 16:54:34

Yes, he has lied.

But i have read about other men doing this exact lie, because of their perceived loss of status. I bet he has been job hunting, hoping to get back into the workplace before you discovered he had lost his job. Almost a protection of you thing?

warthog Tue 29-Sep-09 16:55:05

postpone wedding. think about it for a while. he has broken trust by lying and you need to feel comfortable again.

Scorps Tue 29-Sep-09 16:55:19

Oh sorry, he left his job with no other job to go to? That does make it different, sorry.

Lulumama Tue 29-Sep-09 16:55:29

I agree with AMIS

postpone the wedding, i imagine you can't pay for it now anyway: unless your folks were paying

he has lied to you for 18 months about something very fundamental

if he cannot be honest about his job, how on earth can you trust him about anything else?

what has he been doing for 18 months?

i can;t imagine he did have enough savings to support himslef for 18 months without debt

how did it come up in conversation with his mum? what is her take on it?

countingto10 Tue 29-Sep-09 16:55:29

Did he leave his job or was he sacked ?

warthog Tue 29-Sep-09 16:55:59

actually, i'm more worried that he doesn't want to discuss it further!

implies to me that there's more to come...

groundhogs Tue 29-Sep-09 16:57:44

You all need time to think and deal with reality.

First of all, you need to be brought up to speed damned quickly... His Mum new all along? perhaps she's been funding this??? God I hope so! Last thing anyone needs is to be saddled with immense amounts of debt..

Can I suggest you get him round to his Mums, sharpish. Sit them both down, tell them that as of this precise moment, all bets, plans and whatever are firmly on ICE, until you have the gospel truth.

Then, fold your arms across your chest, and say, OK, Out with it ALL!

That way he won't be tempted to continue with lies his mother knows aren't true...

I'd be seriously wary of marrying him at all tbh, if he can lie to you like this for so long, going through the rigmarole of getting up and going out to work for nigh on 2yrs, imagine what he can do when he REALLY puts his mind to deceiving you.

Don't agree to marry him under any circumstances until you are 100% over this, and have come to terms with it all, i.e able to laugh about it.

I rather think that once the full truth, the complete extent of the charade has been unveiled to you, including the etensive complicity from his mum, and your future MIL... then I have a feeling that you won't want to go through with it all. But if it does come to an end, know that you have done nothing to cause this, nothing at all.

Jeez what a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you, it must be awful. If you can start to look for small mercies, perhaps finding out before the wedding is the first place to start.

Huge sisterly hug for you!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 29-Sep-09 16:58:29

If he won't discuss it further, there is no hope for your relationship. Maybe he did lie initially to save face - you said he'd left his job and found another, is it possible he was sacked? But none of that really matters; he's been shopped (by his own mum! Well done, that MIL!), he's lied to you for 18 months, and almost certainly was not looking for work, because he'd have found something in that time if he really had... why would you want to tie yourself to this man, legally?

pinky33 Tue 29-Sep-09 17:02:52

I feel like im stuck I can't get out of it now everyone knows, invites sent out venue booked, cake ordered etc etc.

My DS will be heartbroken he loves my partner. I feel like crying now!!!

countingto10 Tue 29-Sep-09 17:06:02

It will be easier to get out of now than it will be after you have married.

Don't worry about losing face - it is not your fault.

Lulumama Tue 29-Sep-09 17:09:04

i'm sure if you told everyone why , they would understand

you can't marry somoene not knowing how much money they owe, who might be in debt to the tune of £1000s, it would affect so many parts of your life

and surely your child deserves better as a father figure??

see if you can talk and work things out and why MIL also lied for so long

far easier to postpone the wedding than get divorced

Rindercella Tue 29-Sep-09 17:15:24

You can always get out of it...right up to the moment you say "I do". wink

I am so sorry you are going through this. Tbh, I would think that your DF has no option other than to talk to you about it. It is totally unacceptable to lie to someone you purport to love for 18 months and then say sorry and assume that's the end of it and everything will carry on as normal. It wasn't just a little lie...it was a whopper of a lie, which affects the whole of your relationship.

He got up every morning, dressed to go to work, kissed you byebye...and then did what exactly?!

That sort of betrayal cannot just be forgotten about. He needs to explain to you his reasons. He needs to explain to you where he got the funds from - with documented evidence if necessary (saving account statements, etc). You two need to talk.

Postpone the wedding until he's prepared to do this.

justaboutautumn Tue 29-Sep-09 17:19:50

Message withdrawn

orangina Tue 29-Sep-09 17:23:03

Surely if you marry him, you will be taking on some liability for any debt he may have? And what would happen to you financially if you were to later divorce? Could he be entitled to 1/2 the house for instance?

Please don't marry him now. If he wants to marry you, he should at the VERY least be prepared to talk to you about this. Your marriage will get off to a very unstable start if you just let this to happen without making a few very reasonable demands of your own.....

gagamama Tue 29-Sep-09 17:28:45

This is an enormous lie to tell. Perhaps in the beginning he felt like he had good reason, didn't realise it would get out of hand, didn't think you would notice for a few days/weeks while he found a job... but to get to the point where you're (I assume) inventing a job you don't have and making up conversation about your day at work, day in, day out, for EIGHTEEN MONTHS... you cannot, honestly, seriously want to marry this man who you can only assume is even who he says he is?

He is a liar and a coward and a fake.

Besides which, what was he doing during the day when he was meant to be at 'work'? Spending money, running up debts, spending it with friends who are in on the act or who he is lying to too... even another woman?

pinky33 Tue 29-Sep-09 18:30:38

I know i'm not in the wrong but i'm so ashamed having to tell everyone I know the truth. He is an excellent liar and rightly a fake. Looking back on it now can't believe I didn't suss it out earliar the tell tale signs.

I'm very good with my money have to be DS goes to a fee paying school which I fund on my own, got a mortgage, car, bills to pay etc.

On the otherhand he has nothing lives in my home we are thankgod not financially tied together in any way.

I feel like a fool he's taken advantage of me I see that now.

diddl Tue 29-Sep-09 18:47:41

I´d call off the wedding permanently, TBH.

mathanxiety Tue 29-Sep-09 19:05:35

Please postpone the wedding, at the very least. 18 months of deliberate lying shock says there is something seriously wrong. Don't be ashamed. Calling a halt to the wedding is incredibly brave and honest. Tell your family first (and soon) and maybe they'll even be able to help you notify others. Weddings get canceled. Two in the last month in my local church, I noticed, and I wish I'd had the gumption to cancel mine too.

Do not get financially tied to your P -- canceling the wedding will be much less traumatic for you than divorce in this respect.

He doesn't want to discuss this with you? Bad, bad news. You don't start off a marriage like this and expect things to be different afterwards -- yes, he promised you he's change; words are cheap. Not wanting to discuss things is a red flag under any circumstances.

HappyWoman Tue 29-Sep-09 19:07:11

Dont get married - you will then have to support him finacially and as he wont discus that you have no idea what you are getting into.

If you cant face telling people the truth say he is ill or something - something that needs some further tests. At least it will stop people asking lots of questions for a while.

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