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Unhappy in relationship - need a symphathetic ear, please! (Nobody else to talk to.)

(9 Posts)
maluta2 Tue 29-Sep-09 10:52:26

Hi! I've been married for 10+ years, have two children (8 & 5), have been a stay-at-home-mum for the last 8 years. I don't feel happy and satisfied in my relationship. I can't talk to any of my friends as everyone knows my husband and if something leaked, it would lead to awkwardness and embarrassment.
My husband and I are very different; we come from different cultures, don't share interests and passions. We have different views on how to spend free time, holidays and weekends. My husband works hard, is a kind and generous man, loves our children, provides very well for us. However, I often feel so lonely. I don't think of him as my friend and companion. He is just not there. Often he is present but his mind is elsewhere. Even in his company I can feel overwhelming loneliness and emptiness sometimes. Apart from weekend outings with the kids and watching TV a few times a week, we don't seem to be doing anything else together. I have talked to him many times about my needs, even written him a couple of letters telling him what I would like to change in our relationship and how I need certain things. But nothing has changed. I often feel my wings are clipped and I can't be fully myself. I crave romance, affection, adventure, excitement, companionship. I don't feel I am getting enough of that. Every so often I consider living on my own but then I fall into the rut and put my needs on the back burner. I have the children to look after, meals to cook, house to run. I forget and neglect my needs. But then once a week, once a fortnight, or so, deep sadness and loneliness strike me. sad sad sad

If it wasn't for our children, our history (all these years together - we have had some nice moments) and that he is a good man on the whole, I would probably take a break from him. But to lose all that we have and possibly damage the children psychologically so that I can feel more fulfilled and happy -can it be justified?

Any thoughts/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading this.

StrawberrySam Tue 29-Sep-09 12:05:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

groundhogs Tue 29-Sep-09 23:42:20

OH dear, you do sound in a rut. I know somewhat of how you feel.

Now that your LO is 5, i think the best thing would be for you to take some time for yourself, either by getting a part-time job, or by finding something to do for you, a class or something, gym, whatever to get you out and about and interacting with people.

if you are anything like I was, when literally isolated from everyone and everything, i found it really hard to have any form of communication with DH, as I had nothing new, interesting or independant to talk to him about.

Who knows, perhaps if you find an interest, it may spark the same interest in him, and he may join you... long shot, but you never know.

As you say DH seems to be a good, loving, honest, and hard working man, but you are lonely in this relationship, perhaps because you have been at the beck and call of everyone else for so long.

Now is the time to carve out a bit of YOU time.

OK so it won't change anything of the family dynamic, but that doesn't sound like it's dysfuntional, just that you are bored to tears with the mundanity and endless routine of it all.

If you work to be the best you can be, then others will see that in you too!

Good luck, and no, you are not alone...

maluta2 Wed 30-Sep-09 10:12:50

Thank you girls for replying to my post. I feel a little comforted by your caring words.

My little one has just started school this summer, so first time in years I am free. No sooner my DC started school than our builders "moved in". That's why I haven't had time for any activities, outings, etc. - had to be tied to the house every day.

To answer Strawberry Sam post, No I don't really have my own friends who wouldn't know my DH, and that's why it is hard finding anyone to speak to, to share my feelings with. My family are abroad and I don't want to cause an unnecessary worry to my DM discussing my problems with her. To continue with SSam questions - the problem with talking to my DH is that he will listen, respond, promise and decide to improve certain things/behaviours; we might even together arrive at a solution, we might even shed tears together occasionally but, unfortunately, nothing ever changes; my DH forgets, assumes the issues in question stop being important to me, becomes preoccupied with his work or his own problems. Ordinary everyday life takes over and my needs evaporate.

Groundhog girl - thanks; I do feel isolated and I do find my DH and I very often don't have enough things to talk about. I've got a few friends but, as I said earlier, because they all know DH, I have to pretend everything is fine.

I should really make an effort and go out and start engaging in some activities - I am just a bit depressed at the moment.

Last weekend my DH, DCs and I went to DH's brother's wedding. All DH's family and friends were there. I am not close to DH's family - we live far from each other, rarely communicate, come from different countries and cultures and don't have many things in common. DH left me alone for the whole evening, didn't check whether I was OK once, didn't approach me, didn't talk to me. I felt dreadful. On questioning, DH said that whenever he had looked in my direction I seemed to be doing fine. Well, I wasn't. We have been very distant since last Friday. sad

Anyway, thanks again for your warm words. I'm so pleased you responded.

Helennn Wed 30-Sep-09 10:29:49

Maluta 2 - I understand exactly where you're coming from. I have been at home for 10 years now and often feel lonely and left out. My youngest dd started school in January, and I felt really down and odd for several months, a bit like empty nest syndrome and like I had no purpose, I also missed her. I wonder if this is what has made it worse for you now?

What has kept me going is that I have been secretary of the committee for my dd's previous pre-school, this provided contact with friends and a bit of a social life. I have now just become their paid administrator; this is only very part-time but I go into pre-school several times a week and it gets me back into a more structured routine and contact with other adults.

I know none of this deals with the lack of attention type problem with your dh but it at least gives me something else to think about, something to talk about and stops me spending too much time at home which doesn't do my mental health any good.

I have also taken up yoga which has made me meet new people and try something new.

I think unfortunately a lot of men can be quite selfish, ie watching what they want on telly rather than what you are watching, playing sport rather than a family day out etc. etc. You have to be strong and be prepared to have some rows before they realise it is not acceptable, also rememeber that you have to do things quite a lot before they become a habit, else they slip back into their old ways.

Sorry if this seems a lot about me, but I know where you are coming from and these are things that have helped me. I really hope that things get better for you soon.

groundhogs Wed 30-Sep-09 10:44:59

you clearly are very good at putting up a good front.... no-one can see you are suffereing, not even those closest to you.

Well, it's kinda not working too well for you is it? I understand the thoughts about not wanting to tell your friends, when they all know DH, so you feel you have to pretend everything's fine.

Sorry to say, but if you allow that situation to continue, you will end up being more than a little bit depressed, and that's not anything I would wish on anyone. (Well, nearly anyone grin)

Hmm, shame about the builders, but then use the time that they have you tied to the house to research things you are going to do when you're not babysitting them/protecting your worldly posessions.

Main thing, if it helps you in anyway at all, is to keep talking.. to us if that's what helps you.

Don't isolate yourself, you've reached out, and there are things you can do to better your life, just find out what is going to give you most joy, and do it.

For example, do you enjoy cooking? while you are tied to the house, why not buy a new cookery book and experiment with new recipies.. it may even give you all a new talking point?

Don't be distant with DH over the wedding, men are so often like that, utterly clueless. They don't do 'subliminal' messages, if you are feeling fed up at a do like that, you have to literally tell them!

Sit him down and explain what and why you were feeling that way at the wedding.

Perhaps come up with a signal for future occasions, so he knows that when you tug your right ear, you are at the end of your tether etc.

My DH and i are from different cultures origally, but we do speak spanish as another language, and tend to communicate in that if we don't want others to catch on... of course back in europe, it's not as easy as in his country, but you get what I'm saying. grin

laurasarah Wed 30-Sep-09 13:21:27

I no how you feel. I was like that when I was at home too and had moved to a new City so very hard.

As soon as my youngest went to school I got a job and I do feel better but I still get down with the mundanity of things.

Took some advice from moondog over the weekend. Had some me time, went for a run and then went and got my haircut and then food shopping. Not very exciting I know but at least I was by myself without the demand of children, hubby, house etc.

Feel good in the knowledge that you are not alone, we all feel like that from time to time.

My advice is the same as everyone else. Think about what it is you want to do with your life now (as you've clearly put it on the back burner for a long time) and dont let anyone stand in your way!

On the hubby front, he needs to really listen you need a shock tactic. Leave him with the kids and the house for the day and see how he feels.

Good luck


bronwyn1 Thu 01-Oct-09 14:45:11

new to this chat thing, I feel so crap 4 kids 2 under 3yrs 9yrs and a teen, Partner usless feel so trapped, love them all so much but feel I could walk away. Iv gaind so much weight but am very active, my girl who is almost 3yrs just screems at me all the time and it goes straight through me , I sometimes find myself shouting back but it a waste as so negative. men just dont get it. My partner said the other day I have all day to do as I please and moans he has to work. I have 4 kids a house to run and 2 toddlers, How can I do as I please , I have felt the lowest in my life ever.

Molliesmum Thu 01-Oct-09 15:14:13

It really winds me up when men say that. I'm sorry but I work part time and I can tell you that the days I go to work are the easiest and less tiring and I only have one child. What an ignorant git!On the three year old thing, I have a daughter almost three. She is a good girl but on the occasions she does have a paddy I walk away and go into a different room. When she has calmed down she usually comes and says sorry to me. Its so hard but try not to rise to it, better to walk away and calm down yourself.I have also felt very trapped and its an extremely scary feeling x

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