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For those who dont get on with your MIL, how often do you see her

(22 Posts)
Marioandluigi Mon 28-Sep-09 16:19:25

And do you see her without your DH/DP being there?

I have never really got on with my MIL, DH and I have been together for 9 years and its always been like this. We dont argue or anything but we dont really get on - we are just such different people.

Anyway, DH is working alot of hours now, and his only time off in Sunday. MIL wants to see the children once a week, and I suggested that he take DS1 and DD over on Sunday. His response was 'Sunday is my only day off', which makes me think he isnt that bothered. She wants to come over in the week, which makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home, as we dont really speak. I know I could try harder, but I feel its too late for that, lots of water under the bridge etc.

Another issue I have is that if it was up to her she would come over on a Thursday morning, (she has done this in the past), but that means she wont see DS1, who is 8 and at school. This doesnt seem to bother her, but it really pisses me off.

I know that I am not being very flexible, and TBH I wouldnt mind if she came every other week or so, but I really resent having to play host to her every week for 2-3 hours when my DH wont get of his bum and do anything about it.

WWYD?

AMumInScotland Mon 28-Sep-09 16:23:59

Can't she take the children out somewhere? That way she gets to spend time with them, but you don't have to play "host" and she doesn't have to spend time feeling uncomfortable with you (assuming she finds it similarly difficult if you have little in common).

I also don't think its up to MIL to decide how often she wants to see them - it should be up to you (and DH of course) how often it is convenient for you to let her visit / visit her / arrange to meet.

groundhogs Mon 28-Sep-09 16:28:28

Hmm, tough, but it's DH's mum, if you're not comfortable being on your own with her on a regular then you need to say so.

Would you be able to invite her for Sunday lunch a couple of times a month... or perhaps meet her and FIL on Sundays in a pub or somewhere with a play garden etc... DH needs to shoulder some of this.

I personally wouldn't like someone else saying to me that I need to make sure my DC see so and so at least once a week. I'd certainly not like someone inviting themselves over and effectively giving me a timetable in my own blooming house.... That's not what family is...

You could just dig your heels in and say Sunday Lunch it is to DH and refuse weekdays at home, saying you have too much to do..

or perhaps you could meet her in town or somewhere, let DC run about a bit, grab a coffee and then you have to get off to fictional very important appointment...

Marioandluigi Mon 28-Sep-09 16:29:15

She could take DS1 out, who is 8 and maybe DD who is nearly one, but the issue would be DS2, he is autistic and in my opinion she cant handle him, he is only a toddler and the last couple of times hse has taken him out it has ended badly (I.E me with a son in meltdown and her on the verge of having a nervous breakdown)

bibbitybobbityhat Mon 28-Sep-09 16:30:44

About 6 times a year.

BlingLoving Mon 28-Sep-09 16:37:10

Activities. I don't get on that well with my mum - we just have nothing in common and chat is hard. So I've mastered the art of finding things for us to do - meals out with DH and other family members, shopping etc. With DCs there are more options - trips to the park, children's activities etc? Would that help?

AMumInScotland Mon 28-Sep-09 16:52:03

Oh that's much more complex if she can't cope with one of the DC. I guess you or DH have to be there if she's not able to handle him in a suitable way.

Every week sounds like a lot to me, though I wasn't within range of either set of GP when DS was small.

Could DH take them over to her on alternate Sundays? I'd agree with him it's a bit unfair him losing his only day off, and presumably your only day together as a family. How often does he think is reasonable to visit her? Is she wanting weekly visits when he'd be happy with twice a year?

mumof2teenboys Mon 28-Sep-09 17:22:14

I see her practically everydayhmm She only lives around the corner and 'pops in' all the time.

When my OH was working abroad, she still came round 3/4 times a week to tormentme ask if I had spoken to him. he never rang her very often so I used to get it.

She really is the bane of my life.

toomanystuffedbears Mon 28-Sep-09 17:29:54

With a 500+ mile separation grin
I see her once a year if I go on the trip. I've taken the option of staying home to 'work on my quilt'...and dc were old enough that dh could do the drive alone. They seriously don't care if I'm there or not as I've never gotten a call-'Why didn't you come?'... or even an insincere 'We missed you.'

Now we have a new dd2, still once a year, and I pretty much have to go.

I went once without dh, out of the goodness of my heart so they could see their dgc... and I will never do that again. Pil don't get on well with each other and I became their common target. hmm That was 14 years ago.

She has been to my home twice in twenty years.

Dh's mother and sisters and the oldest and another grandchild form a sort of 'organism' that has to function as a unit. I am always treated as an alien from another galaxy. My dd (15) is so sarcastic I shockblush that she says what she thinks about them to their face... bless her heart wink grin.

I feel for you M&L.
If she insists on the weekday time, could you invite someone else, too? That might give you reason to be 'distracted' from focusing on her.

aoifesmama Tue 29-Sep-09 21:31:45

I have the same issue, my MIL speaks very little English and so we barely communicate at all and it is very very hard work. I see her about once a week (when the family do not speak English - arghh dont get me started angry ) and when I return to work she will look after DD a couple of afternoons a week so I will collect her from there. I agree that perhaps she could take them out? Or perhaps meet your DS1 from school and bring him home one day a week?

KittyTN Wed 30-Sep-09 15:33:34

Probably every 6 weeks on average.
About 1 year ago after a particularly gruelling visit to PILs I asked MIL to come over to see ds and I for lunch alone as a sort of olive branch - 8 months later MIL said she would like to come if the offer was still open but then proceded to be such a cow at that visit too that it never happened.

Once/week for me would be absolutely unbearable. It would be interesting to know what the average PIL contact frequency is.

Marioandluigi Wed 30-Sep-09 16:32:13

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really do feel that although my DC's are her grandchildren, she is my DH mum, and therefore he should do the running. I hate the situation he has put me in. He agreed with her about once a week when I was still in hospital after having DD and honestly I nearly had a nervous breakdown!

I think I might take your advice of meeting up with her, but im not doing it once a week as I couldnt bear it! everything she does grates on my nerves, and honestly I feel like im getting ready to go to the dentist when I know she is coming IYKWIM

springlamb Wed 30-Sep-09 16:34:07

Well, I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want to change the schedule to Sundays. MIL and I go through periods when I refuse to see her without DH.
However, if the weekday thing does come off, could she not come on a Thursday afternoon after lunch, spend some time with the little ones then she can pick up your older one from school for you. Back home, cuppa tea, slice of cake, bye-bye grandma.
MIL and I operate a similar scheme and that break in the middle (when either she or I go off to do the school run) does help (and gives us something to discuss).
Is there not one evening DH could be home for dinner so she could arrive about 5ish, fish'n'chips, then you disappear to deal with bathtime leaving DH and her to do the social thing, then her to depart by 7ish.

Marioandluigi Wed 30-Sep-09 16:40:55

Springlamb, I wish it would work like that, I would love for DH to be able to be home I know I sound really unflexible, but I do have my reasons. She wont eat with us either as she has some bizarre diet which means she will only eat very few, organic stuff which isnt my cup of tea, or the children.

I am going to speak to DH tonight. My problem is that my own family live two hours away, and DH thinks im jealous, which maybe I am a little, but I also have real concerns, and our strained relationship is not all in my head either!

Its got to the point where I have fantasised about moving home to be nearer my own parents, so I wouldnt have to deal with it all every week.

springlamb Wed 30-Sep-09 19:29:54

Oh I have no truck with MILs with funny diets. Mine eats anything and drinks anything too (which is partly the problem I have with her!). That and the whinging, whining and moaning about her lot in life, which of course miraculously stops as soon as DH walks in!
How about: wk1 - DH takes dc to hers ('to give you a few hours to catch up with things'); wk2 - reserved for other family/friends; wk3 - she comes to visit you; wk4 - reserved for yourselves ('because we never get any time just us since dh working so hard').
If I had met my MIL in, say, a work setting I would have avoided her like the plague. She is not my sort of person. We have 25 years history of compromising but dh has taken the lead where he has needed to.

lumnag Wed 30-Sep-09 20:18:32

Mine is coming next week for a weeks visit.

It will be the first time in 2years since she has been here.

We are total polar opposites and already I feel the 'mil-ulcer' which only surfaces when she arrives.

She has been vile to me in every possible way since the day we met.

I could write a book on her.

I have read many mil horror stories here and mine must rate up there as one of the worst.

Marioandluigi Wed 30-Sep-09 21:39:46

Lumnag, I really feel for you

thesecondcoming Wed 30-Sep-09 22:17:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaLazarou Thu 01-Oct-09 03:18:40

I see her on average once or twice a year. I doubt if we'll see more of her when the baby comes - she is not interested in our lives. I am happy to keep it that way, but sad that my DH doesn't really have a proper mum (and never has).

The new baby will be the first blood relation who actually cares about him (hopefully!). It may take him a while to get used to that, but I think he is going to like it!

forehead Thu 01-Oct-09 16:42:29

I haven't seen my mil for two years. Long story, but she is the devil incarnate and i cannot abide her. Her dh lives abroad and doesn't want her living with him. When he comes to England i see him but only if he doesn't bring his wife. My dh sees his mother once every two weeks.

Marioandluigi Thu 01-Oct-09 17:33:10

Well kits DD's birthday on Saturday and we are having a little party as its only her 1st birthday. I have invited MIL and am hoping that will mean she leaves us alone for a few days. I have made sure I am busy all next week and at the weekend, so if she wants to see them until th week after its just tough. From the responses here I have decided that I am being too laid back and the only person suffering is me. DH can deal with her from now on.

Dogwouldlikeanotherpup Thu 01-Oct-09 17:37:46

Message withdrawn

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