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how much emphasis should be placed on sex.

(5 Posts)
bonkerz Mon 28-Sep-09 12:58:49

for months now (may even be years) i have been posting on here about my marriage.
about 5 months ago i decided i had had enough, DH left for a week and we talked about how we could make things better.

I started off blaming DH for our issues, thanks to MN i started to look at my own behaviour with regards our issues, i see a pattern and have been more aware of my own issues and how it affects my marriage.

Im now at a point where me and DH have slipped back into a familiar pattern and i think now is the time to decide if i can carry on like this forever or if i need to admit defeat.

Whats the issue i hear you cry!!!!
Dh has no sex drive. when we first got together 7 years ago it was amazing, now after 6 years of marriage we are averaging once a month and even then it is as if he is doing it to stop me moaning about the lack of sex! I am very highly sexed, always have been. i have noticed sex and lack of sex affects my mood in a big way and i really am trying to change this but its not easy. I cant break the pattern me and DH have got into, every four weeks is the same.......we have sex, then for a week things are good, then for the next week i try to initiate sex and get rejected by DH, then the next week i get fed up of being rejected and i sleep elsewhere and pick fights and DH is really distant and then i start my period and we are back to square one again.
im trying to break this pattern, i have talked with DH and explained this is how i feel.. Dh took a demotion and pay cut of 8K a year to try and eliminate some stress for him, i got a job to make up the money back to what it was before, these were things dh had said would help him get back on track with regards sex, 3 months into these changes and nothing has changed.

the lack of sex is made a bigger issue because DH is not affectionate at all, i dont get hugs or kisses and if i try to initiate he backs off cos he thinks i want sex.
we are now arguing about sex again and im fed up, im so unhappy about it.

The thing is if i look at my life and take away the sex thing i have a good life, Dh is kind and a fab dad, my kids are good kids and i love them, i have family around to help out and we have enough money to pay the bills and have small luxuries, i ahve good friends and am liking being back at work, i am studying for a degree which DH is very supportive of and i get to go out and do what i want really without criticism or comment from DH, he is happy to stay in! Im just not sure i can live without sex. Dh knows this and he still does nothing to make it better.

so back to the title, thanks if you have stuck with it! How much emphasis should you place on sex in a marriage........

TitsalinaBumsquash Mon 28-Sep-09 13:06:31

Hmm, i don't think there is an average or normal amount of sex to be having, i think it really needs to be acompromise of what you and your DH are comfortable with.

The affection thing is hard though, would you be happy to have kisses and cuddle without it leading to sex? Maybe if you explained to DH that actually you would love a cuddle and a kiss or maybe just to cuddle up in bed together without it needing to lead to full sex he could hug you without being worried about having to 'preform' iyswim.

It is such a hard thing to disagree on becuase sex is important to some people as it provides a real level of closness and intamacy that you can't get with a friend or anyone else.

bonkerz Mon 28-Sep-09 13:12:42

i think thats the problem, in my head i associate sex with love, i take it very personnally that DH doesnt want to have sex with me, i feel insecure about it and assume his no sex policy means he cant possibly love me or find me attractive. THese are my issues i know that BUT surely as DH knows i think and feel like this he should be trying to help me overcome these issues.....i cant do it without his help and support. When we fight like we are at the moment i can actually predict how the next 4 weeks are going to go.........i also know if i talked with dh he would say he does love me and does find me attractive he just cant be bothered to have sex. I know there was this same lack of sex in his last relationship but his ex didnt mind and nor did he and they went for over a year with no sex .... i am not prepared to live like that! Im 31 FGS!!!!!

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 14:23:51

Bonkerz, is it the lack of sex or the lack of affection("DH is really distant") that is the problem?

Was it a gradual change from amazing sex to once a month?

I have a slightly similar problem to yours see: not getting much advice

I hope someone will come on with some good advice for you.

Will watch your thread with interest.

Good Luck x

bonkerz Tue 29-Sep-09 07:48:25

TBH its both, I like sex, i need sex, im 31 and will not live like this! the affection thing is something i have learnt DH just doesnt do......he has always been like that though so i accept it, the sex thing is more the past 3 years. we have gone from 3 times a day which i knew was not sustainable (im not unreasonable!) to once a month in protest.
Im not asking for alot......twice a month would be ok but once a week would be better! LOL anymore than that and i would be the best wife ever!

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