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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I be worried my dh is cheating?

99 replies

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 12:44

Right, I've name changed for this because anyone reading it will know it's me and I want to keep my other identity secret.

On saturday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor drying my hair and noticed 2 pairs of womens underwear that are not mine. I asked dh where they had come from and he said he hasn't seen them before and doesn't know where they came from. I have asked various people if they are theirs or know how they got into our room (dd, neighbour, suster etc) and no one has any answers.

I haven't actually accused dh of anything but he knows what is on my mind and has become angry that he is doubted. I have found his behaviour a bit twitchy regarding this but it could just be me being utterly paranoid and looking for any explanation.

A couple of my neighbours who I am close with have reassured me that they have never seen any unusual comings or goings at my house when I'm at work (they are SAHM's).

I have been in turmoil all weekend about this and I am shaking just typing it because I have a feeling I know what you lot will say.

I have no other reason to doubt my dh and I feel gutted that I have to now. I'm terrified my family is going to fall apart either because he is doing something or because I am accusing him!

OP posts:

Report

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 12:59

bump?

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 28/09/2009 13:03

w00ps - where did you find them?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 28/09/2009 13:05

I have no idea btw. dh is so seldom in the house when I am not he wouldn't have the oportunity to vdo aanything.

I think i would be trying to work out how they could have got there...

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:05

on the bedroom floor. They weren't hidden away or anything.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 28/09/2009 13:07

do you send out washing/ironing or anything like that? Or do your washing in the Launderette?

SheWillBeLoved · 28/09/2009 13:10

And you're definitely sure they aren't some old ones of yours that could have been dug out by somebody when looking for something and forgotten about? I've done this any times, don't even remember buying them half the time. How old is DD? Any way she could have dug them out or they could be hers? (apologies if she is very young!)

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:10

No we don't - our washing is all done and home and 90% by me. Our bedroom was not tidy - there was washing hanging around but none that dh had done. The underwear was clean by the way. it had no tags or anything on it - even looks like the labels have been removed. And they were slightly smaller than mine would be I think.

OP posts:

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:11

no they are deffo not mine. Dd is 9 and I know they aren't hers and she says she hasn't seen them before or know where they have come from.

OP posts:

glittery · 28/09/2009 13:13

could one of dh's "mates" have put them there for a laugh?

glittery · 28/09/2009 13:16

i wouldnt think he was having an affair btw, as why would there be two pairs? surely if some female had been in your house and forgotten her drawers there would only be the one pair?
sorry to ask but were they clean, did they look as if they had been worn?

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 28/09/2009 13:17

obviously finding women's underwear in your bedroom that isn't yours would normally ring alarm bells. but - two pairs of clean pants?? doesn't sound like something cast off in an adulterous frenzy does it?

other than the mystery pants, are there any other signs that your dh might be having an affair? is he more distant than usual, out more / working late, making secretive phone calls, hiding his mobile phone bill or credit card statements?

there may be a very simple explanation for this - and your dh in the meantime knows that you suspect him of cheating, which can't be great. You've also asked around so lots of other people might be thinking the same.

perhaps let the mystery go for now, something very obvious may suddenly occur to you. really hope that there are no other signs of cheating.

SheWillBeLoved · 28/09/2009 13:17

Well if they're definitely not yours, or DD's, and neither of you know anything about them - then only your DH could have a reason for them being there as far as I can see.

Has your DH been out anywhere where he could have gotten them? Night out, lapdancing bar.. you see where I'm going.

I'm not sensing something like an affair here, seems more a long the lines of they're something he has for a bit of wankspiration, or he was given them by somebody.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/09/2009 13:17

Could someone (with access to your house) be mischief-making, or dropping clues? Is he as bewildered as you, or defensive? Is he making the same sorts of enquiries as you?

Have you had a (larger than your DD) friend of your daughter's over for a sleep over recently?

If he is up to something, you know there WILL be other clues. Start with his phone. I know it's horrible, but my sense is that something might be amiss, even if you can't acknowledge it, for you to think that this is even possible.

traceybath · 28/09/2009 13:19

Well I'd definitely think it was a little odd - especially if they were 'sexy' type knickers. I mean I'd be less suspicious if they were white cotton granny knickers.

Strange it was 2 pairs - unless someone wanted you to find them . . .

Has anything else made you suspect he may be cheating?

PortBlacksandResident · 28/09/2009 13:21

Is it possible he's been wearing them? Does he have slim hips or is he a big bloke - what i mean is could he fit in them?

susie100 · 28/09/2009 13:22

Every now and again we get a mystery sock that does not seem to belong to anyone in the family.

Have you been away with another family or gone to stay with family or friends? You might have accidently taken something back home and then washed in with your stuff?

Dirty pants and one pair would be more worrying I don't think it sounds as though he is up to anything.

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:22

Non of dh's friends have been to ours to be able to put them there as a joke. I do think it's odd that they are 2 clean pairs too, and that they were slap bang in the middle of our room (but it's odd I hadn't noticed them there before!).

Dh has been working longer hours than usual which could look suspicious but his pay has increased and he is more tired than usual (he has a very manual job and has to get up in the early hours to go to work).

There is no obvious hiding of phone bills (the thought has crossed my mind to check them which I have NEVER done before!). I know his password for his e-mail account and check it for him because I am at a pc all day and he is not very computer literate.

I'm ashamed to say I went through his drawers this morning which is something I have never done before either!

OP posts:

Icantbelieveitsnotbitter · 28/09/2009 13:22

My cats have been known to drag underwear through the cat flap, and empty crisp wrappers, a dirty nappy etc etc

Their favourite does seem to be small boys briefs though !

glittery · 28/09/2009 13:22

i was going to ask that too, portblack, but didnt know which scenario the OP would think was worse!

lilacclaire · 28/09/2009 13:22

Might be way off here, but are they actually your dh's?

HappyWoman · 28/09/2009 13:24

i wonder if he likes to wear them!
He may be defensive if this is the case.
The fact that they are clean and not 'hidden' makes me feel he is not hiding anything from you.

glittery · 28/09/2009 13:24

Icantbelieveitsnotbitter where are your cats getting smalll boys briefs from outside???

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moopymoo · 28/09/2009 13:24

oh yes good point portblack. It all sounds a bit odd.

PortBlacksandResident · 28/09/2009 13:24

Personally i'd rather my DH have a penchant for wearing silky knickers than be having an affair. But obv this may not be the case for everyone.

glittery · 28/09/2009 13:26

i tend to agree portblack

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