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DH has changed jobs .. and hates it ... which way to turn ...

(16 Posts)
ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 12:24:17

DH had a good job for past few years but decided wanted a change and more money and has been successful in applying for new job.

Started in August on an intensive 6 month classroom training and is hating every minute of it. Says its not what he thought and is not looking forward to doing 'the job' when the training finishes .. and is convinced himself he won't get that far anyway.

He is stressed beyond belief and his mood is having a huge impact on me and the kids. As much as I encourage him it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Feel like the path we were on to him having a better job, more money etc..(which is what he wanted) is slipping away and I don't know what to do for the best. He says he would happilly go back to his old job which was easier and less challenging. However he wasn't happy there which is why he left.

The new job and him training has taken over our lives - in a negative way - and I feel I am trying to keep things going but its so hard. I work part time too and am really struggling to manage with kids, homework, the usual tasks involved in running the house whilst working, plus supporting him as best I can through this tough time.

I am on such a downer at the moment and could quite easily burst into tears at my desk.

I want to shake him and say you made this decision. He is feeling the pressure as we need 2 salaries, can't afford for him to walk away. I imagine he will never be happy in whatever job he does ..

Blackduck Mon 28-Sep-09 12:31:42

Okay, he needs to sit down and rationally analyse why he 'hates' it. Is it because it is a challange and hard work? Is it because it is something he has never done before and he is not feeling particularly confident at the moment? Human beings are generally bad a change, if this is a big change then that may be why he 'hates' it. If it is because he is actually going to be doing something that doesnot resonate with him as a person, then you have a bigger issue.

choosyfloosy Mon 28-Sep-09 12:34:53

OK, so he needs to imagine going back to his previous job and what he would really feel about it. Then of course he needs to actually get it back!

I have known more than one person bounce straight back to a previous job, and it's often fine with the previous employer - though nice if he gives back the leaving present, or at least buys a few boxes of chocs!!!

Such a strong reaction so early on sounds like a real one to me. Everyone makes mistakes - try not to hate him for whinging - but he needs to take action, if that's what he really wants to do.

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 12:46:03

Thanks ladies..

DH left his previous job as pretty much 'top dog' very good at it and highly thought of by his colleagues. One of the younger ones too!

He is now in a classroom feeling out of his depth and surrounded by younger people 9so feeling v old all of a sudden, he's 36). The job involves alot more paperwork than he believed and this is not something he is a) good at or b) enjoys which is one of the main reasons the job is not going to be as he thought.

I am trying to get him to look forward to getting out there and doing 'the job' when all the training and exams will be finished, but he's not looking forward to it atall and his perception of it has completely changed. His hearts just not in it but he feels under pressure as we have mortgage to pay etc and can't just walk out!

I do feel he's not given it a proper chance yet and that he needs to crack on with the studying and then once he's out there doing 'the job' then he can make the decision as to staying or leaving. However he says I don't understand how he's feeling ..

Sure his old company would have him back at the drop of a hat, but I'm also thinking that's a bit of a cop out.

randomtask Mon 28-Sep-09 12:53:04

DH trained last year to be a teacher, I'm lucky as DH knew he wanted to be a teacher, had experience of Uni teaching and is always optimistic but, it was bloody hard work. We'd just got married, I'd become a full time step Mum as well as working full time and it was a hell of a lot of juggling/not seeing DH as he was in the study. That said, he's now in his first year of qualified teaching.

Lots of people hated it at the beginning of his course (PGCE). I remember a lot of people dropped out once they hit the classrooms. TBH, I suspect that choosyfloosy is right, if he doesn't like it now, he never will. But if it's just that it's difficult, different and harder work than he's used to, he will hopefully get through it.

On the other side, if he's complaining that it's difficult, he needs to (as DH would say) 'man up' and get over it. I know that DH was stressed beyond belief during his year of training but he never let his mood affect me or DSS, quite the opposite. Home was where he had his escape and calmed down. The only 'outward sign' was that he lost weight (always does if he's worried) and that he talked in his sleep. Your DH does have a responsibility to his family financially, but also emotionally.

If I was you, I'd ask him to explain why he's unhappy and take it from there. A lower salary is worth more than money and a crap home life.

Fingers crossed for you as I know it can be stressful being married to someone stressed!

bosch Mon 28-Sep-09 13:04:14

My dh changed jobs a few years ago for a different 'field' paying quite a bit more money. But he quickly found that he really doesn't like the work or working environment. In fact he ended up getting very close to depression and had some counselling.

We've found the best strategy has been to look at his whole life to make little bits better everywhere. He doesn't particularly want to go back to his old type of work and honestly I don't think he knows what to do.

We had our longest ever conversation about his work and incipient depression on a two hour drive without the children - you've just got to be around and available to chat when he feels ready to talk about it.

I found it was the period when I had to support dh more than ever before and it was a bit of a shock. Like you, I work p/t and with three kids, it's been hard work and we're not out of it yet, but he's cut his hours back (so on same pay as in previous job - so if he does 'go back' we will be used to less money and he has thinking/playing time for now.)

I think that it's been a bit of a mid-life crisis, and also that men 'miss' the maternity leave that women get - a career break if you like and also a time to focus on something/someone entirely different.

Not sure if any of this helps, starting to ramble... good luck.

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 13:06:48

he has actually had one person resign already from his class and he mentioned last night that 2 colleagues from his previous job who coincidentally left to do the same job he is doing (so know first hand the comparison of both jobs) have both since left and returned as they couldn't stand it either!!!!

i totally agree that if was happier in the other job - even with less money - I would rather him do that, but the annoying thing was, he moaned about that job too!!!

he is expected to study up to 2 hrs each night - and needs to to get through the amount of work that is required, so instead of having a bad day and coming home to chill out with kids and me - which is what he normally loves to do ... he is coming home stressed, then shutting himself away in the bedroom with his head in a book and I am trying to keep the kids downstairs and quiet so we don't get in his way ... difficult as you can imagine sad

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 13:11:09

thanks bosch, sounds similar.. my DH has told me he is the unhappiest he has ever been his entire life (which makes me feel horrible and so so sad) and that he worries he will get ill because he is feeling so stressed by his situation.

I think if I was to turn around to him and say sod it, go back to your previous job and I will support you, that he will jump at the chance.. but I worry if he gives up this opportunity he will regret it.

maybe best to let things run they're course and the decision will be made for him. he has numerous tests and exams coming up and if he passes, all good. if he fails, he get's 'back classed' and held back longer on training, which I think will take him over the edge and he will throw the towel in!

wish I could fast forward a few months to see where we are or ... wish I had a fairy godmother to tell us what the right thing is we should do ....

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 13:11:33

all your replies are helping though, thanks for taking the time...

Blackduck Mon 28-Sep-09 13:12:01

Okay forget about other people resigning thats them, this is him. Why did he think this job was something he wanted to do in the first place/ (or was it just the money?). Sounds to me like there is a learning curve he is on - and some people thrive on that and some people don't, but if the curve is something you have to go through to do the job, well you just have to bite the bullet and get on with it. Is there anyone he can talk to about what the 'real' work is like and will involve? Can you let us know what area we are talking about? People may have first hand experience!

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 13:25:32

blackduck, i know what you mean about forget about other people resigning and i agree, however I think he thinks that almost makes it alright if thats what he decides to do.

he was working as emergency medical technician with London Ambulance Service (similar to paramedic) and is now training as a police officer. as you can imagine in his previous job, he worked with police on most jobs, had good relationship with them.

he spoke with them about changing roles and new first hand (we thought!) what he would be getting involved in with the change of role, the good and bad bits (but maybe not in enough detail I guess!)

he has spoken with a few police friends of friends who said the same - training is horrible, but once you get to station its so much better, but that doesn't seem to make him feel any better. having done all the training at the mo, instead of looking forward to doing the job, he is thinking it's the wrong move and just not for him...

Blackduck Mon 28-Sep-09 13:33:44

Okay no experience in either area! I should think the drop out rate is pretty high for this kind of role actually. I honestly don't know what to suggest if he is just being so negative. I have taken roles which were completely wrong for me, and stressed me out unbelieveably and I just walked because I KNEW I would never want to do it/be happy. However, I have also done jobs that initially didn't look/feel right and that was to do with the amount I was having to take on board in a short space of time, but when I got going I really liked them... HE needs to decide if this genuinely isn't for him, or if this is all a reaction to the workload/learning/massive changes.
Personally I'd give him a deadline and tell him he needs to make a decision one way or the other for all your sakes.....

randomtask Mon 28-Sep-09 14:18:39

I went out with a police officer and although it does get much better after training, there is still paperwork to be done. Why didn't your DH choose to train as a paramedic and stay in the same field? I do remember my ex being quite stressed on certain days and I only met him 3 months after he'd trained. He had to do 'further training' in the two years after he qualified. Don't think it was lots, but he always had a big folder of information.

Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear but he'll need to know what it's like.

Is it possible for your DH to 'timetable' his work at home and then also timetable free time? With DH and his teacher training, he started by working in the evenings from 7.30-10.30 every evening and we had one evening for us. Then when he got the hang of what he was doing, he would do that twice a week and once when I was out anyway. Sounds silly but it kept us sane and 'together'.

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 15:00:27

he did try for his paramedic badge twice but didn't quite get through .. minor things, he could easily do the job. Also they don't get more pay, yet more responsibility so didn't seem worth the hassle.

you're right about the training for 2 years, thing its a long time before he can put the books away which is not great when you have 3 young kids running around.

maybe we need a long chat !

randomtask Mon 28-Sep-09 15:04:45

I think you probably do.

From what my paramedic friends have told me, it was much more pay but that might be to do with scales or something. A best friend of mine was a call taker for our local paramedics and now is a despatcher-would he like something like that? I don't know what the pay is but I wouldn't have thought it'd be much less than the police if he worked his way up.

Also, where is he training for the police? Met officers get about £5k more than the others...

ducdo Mon 28-Sep-09 18:18:01

he is on training salary at the mo but when he finishes training end of January his pay will go up again and that takes him to what he was earning at LAS. Once he does a bit of overtime, working with the police will definitely pay a higher salary, but I guess if the job is that awful the extra dosh is not worth it....?!

just had a text from him to say he's passed today's exam which is great (he keeps passing them all and doing really well) .. so hoping that has boosted him a bit .. will see when I return home!

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