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Please Get Me Some Advice

(16 Posts)
Isthereanyhope Sun 27-Sep-09 22:49:28

Regular poster, name changed.

I have been married for 18 years and in the last 2-3 have struggled to maintain a sex life with my Dh. I just have no desire to have sex with him at all. I like him as a person and care for him but have no sexual feelings for him.

We don't have much in common, if it wasn't for the house and kids we wouldn't have any topics for conversation.

He just doesn't not choose to spend time with me, or talk with me outside of aforementioned topics. In the evenings, if I am upstairs, he is downstairs. The kids will tell me something that I didn't know that he is planning to do or has done. I am not sure why he chooses not to tell me trival mundane things, but he doesn't.

When I talk to him, I feel that he is not very interested, so I keep things brief.

He is not affectionate unless he wants sex, despite me explaining to him that if he behaves like this it makes me feel used. I no longer enjoy being touched or any affection from him because I associate it with rather cold unsatisfactory sex

On the surface the relationship has many plus points, but scratch the surface and his/our inability to communicate in a meaningful and affectionate way is a big problem for me.

I have tried to discuss the issues with him but he stonewalls and is non communicative in the extreme "I have nothing to say". (We are on the waiting list for Relate)

Has anyone experienced anything similar and can offer some advice?

lizzy6 Sun 27-Sep-09 23:02:07

Yes I certainly relate to the sex bit

DH was the same - always up for it but not seeming to be actually interested in me - I went off it as a result

Same thing on communication too - again completely stonewalling and off to the cave if I tried to have a real discussion to sort anything out.

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 08:19:10

You said lizzy6 "DH was the same" have things improved? What did you do?

(Went to bed, rather abruptly last night, I have trouble sleeping)

I feel that perhaps the relationship has run it's natural course.

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 09:34:37

Am I and lizzy6 the only ones...

Does anyone else have an opinion? Come on ladies, what do you think?

(please )

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 09:43:50

bump

ringingthechanges Mon 28-Sep-09 10:16:46

Sort of similar situation to you Istheranyhope, but in role reversal. DH is no longer interested in having sex with me and it is hurtful beyond belief. I look grest most of the time, well groomed and look years younger than my age. I don't talk much to him as he belittles much of what I say and in response he just talks about work but never about 'us' and never instigates a night out or anything. When you withold sex from your partner it can make them feel very unloved and neglected (my experience) and then withdraw away from the person treating you like that. Having not much in common also alienates two people. I desparately want my marriage to continue but if I am honest, not 'doing my best' to maintain it as I feel neglected and hurt. Is your DH feeling like this perhaps? Sorry for ramble but maybe it helps to see it from another point of view.

tumshe Mon 28-Sep-09 10:21:50

Our marriage ended ... we waited too long to fix it and are now married to other people. I have a completely different relationship with my dh, have been together 10 years but still fancy the pants off him and enjoy each others company.

Relate may help you.

HappyWoman Mon 28-Sep-09 10:26:37

have you gone off sex altogether? or is it just him.

You both sound a bit 'bored' if i am honest. But there must have once been something there to have kept you together.

Good luck

queenrollo Mon 28-Sep-09 10:36:54

like tumshe it was the end of my relationship. I couldn't envisage spending the rest of my life in a sexless and loveless relationship with a man who never communicated.

We are both now in new relationships and happy. Our relationship together had definitely run it's course. Of course there were more factors than this involved, but this was a major problem for both of us.

I hope you can get to Relate together and either fix your relationship or find a way to move forward and both be happy.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 28-Sep-09 10:46:15

It sounds a bit like he sees you as a domestic appliance, that your role is to cook and clean and look after the children, oh and to be fucked when he's in the mood. I'm always rather bewildered at the sense of entitlement some men have: that such a man thinks he needn't bother with the woman that he has married, not bother to talk to her, listen to her, engage with her, just expect her to seviced him. If she objects, he might pay lip service to the idea of changing his ways, but is more likely to come home with a bunch of limp flowers from the pound shop and then expect more enthusiastic sexual services.

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 12:33:34

SGB it is exactly like that, I am just part of the machinery.

How do you get someone to talk who just does not want to? How do you find things in common without it being fake and a waste of time? I cannot mend the problems without his contribution.

We had a pretty good marriage for about 12-13 years, really wonderful. Looking back he was not much of a talker but we had lots of new experiences e.g. setting up home, having children, relocating for work. I perhaps did not notice that we didn't really talk outside of those events.

Ringingthechanges, in my situation, the lack of affection and communication is what has made sex difficult (he has become distant). I can't have (enjoyable) sex with someone who (apart from the mundane comments) has not spoken to me for days. I am sorry that you are experiencing problems similar to me, what are you and you Dh doing to improve things?

I feel that the work involved seems to be all coming from my side. He will not speak about our relationship, he just sweeps the issue under the carpet. Relate won't work if he won't speak, will it?

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 12:52:17

bumpity bump

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 21:45:25

Am bumping this for the evening crowd

Isthereanyhope Mon 28-Sep-09 22:05:27

Okay I give up.

This thread is dead, I shall take my problem and go, lucky for you I am fairly thick skinned and don't take these MN slights personallywink

Thank you to all of you lovely MNers who took the time to reply.

Right off to change name back to regular posting name......grin

romanceisdead Tue 29-Sep-09 22:17:09

Another regular poster here. Have been thinking about posting a very similar OP to yours Istheranyhope, except that roles are reversed in our relationship. We have no sex life, really, (once every 6 to 8 weeks?) because my libido has gone through the floor and I never, ever feel like it.

DH is an understanding, kind, patient man who does as much around the house as I do, and is genuinely affectionate. But even when I give myself a talking to and decide that I really must make more effort to instigate/'allow' sex, as soon as I'm touched I can't bear it. DH, naturally, is increasingly frustrated and bewildered - but sadly resigning himself to the situation.

We do communicate on an everyday level but recognise that things aren't right in the bedroom. But I don't know what I can do to change my emotional and physical detachment.

We have 3 demanding DCs and both work evenings in addition to our 'day jobs', so tiredness is clearly a factor. I just hate being touched, and I get anxious at the thought of the intimacy. And tbh I'd rather sleep.

Sorry to hijack your post OP. No idea how we're going to resolve this but hope that things improve soon.

Campingqueen Thu 01-Oct-09 19:18:50

I was watching this post too romanceisdead, for similar reasons.

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