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Do you more forward from here or not - chappy not sure about his feelings re my DS.

(121 Posts)
thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:04:44

ok things now unsettled again with my new guy. Just spent about 45 mins on the blower to him. next weekend is off as apparently he has 'a presentation' again on friday (we were meant to be having a w.e away) angry am rather upset about it tbh. Hes said to meet on thurs poss b4. But is aware that he's letting me down and also doesn't like disappointing me.

Jist of it is he's not yet sure if he can reconcile his feeling's towards DS/ that I have a child - and when I said that after he tried explaining to me for 5 mins I got the 'here we go' speach. DS is my world (as all our kids are) and while I said to him I hope he reconciles his feelings re me having a child, i'm not fully sure he can. Apparently not even his siblings have dated anyone with a child b4. I asked if this was the reason he's been a bit distant and he said possibly. We carried on talking but now I feel like i'm waiting around to see if he can/can't reconcile with DS. (not that i'm forcing DS on him or ever would)

He also says he's aware of my saying I don't like to be messed about- think that's how he's seen it - but what I actually said was don't like people saying one thing & actually doing another.

I proper like him (as u all know) and apparently he feels the same and say's we're still early days which is right we are but I just don't know anymore. is there a way to help someone reconcile their feelings towards your child?

we've been seeing each other since mid aug, he's stopped at mine i've his etc etc, dates at least twice a week, daily calls/texts etc. (oh and my dogs - who usually HATE everyone ie jump up etc or growl, absolutely love him right from the off)

My head is spinning and I don't know how/where to move forward. Walk away or not.

Should also point out that the nature of ihs job means he goes where the work is and is currently applying for jobs which are about 1.5 hrs drive.


unavailable Sun 27-Sep-09 22:11:47

Bluntly - It sounds to me as if he is dumping you - sorry.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:13:46

I said that, he said not.

Alambil Sun 27-Sep-09 22:19:16

why put up with him stringing you along like that?

how bloody hurtful of him.... he KNEW you had a kid from the off, I'm guessing - if he wasn't sure, he shouldn't have got in so deep so soon!

unavailable Sun 27-Sep-09 22:21:19

Well, he's a coward then. He's hoping you will say there's no future.

LegoLass Sun 27-Sep-09 22:21:47

You come as a package, he takes you and Ds or he doesn't take you at all. There is no way you can force him into it.

Take a breather step back and look, you will see the answer.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:22:09

I know what you're all saying - I should be ringing him back right now and walking away shouldn't i?

kalo12 Sun 27-Sep-09 22:23:25

tough one, but doesn't sound ideal in the long term.

hoping your ds will grow on him seems a bit desparate. keep your cool and let him resolve this on his own. you need to know his real feelings so let him go a bit

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:23:43

thanks lego,

i'm my heart I honestly believe he's having a hard time getting his head around things. I hope he can do. and said he knows I hope he can do, but he also knows DS is my world.

Every time he has to make a big decision he's unsure of himself.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:24:59

(he's known about DS from the start btw) and also says he's not interested in seeing anyone else right now.

I don't want to be rash in my choices but then again I don't want to get hurt again - this one has the potential to be something really special & break my heart

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 27-Sep-09 22:25:19

Tell him it's over. How can you have a proper, equal relationship if you are always worrying about what he thinks about everything?

If he is uncomfortable with your DS, I wonder how he's making your DS feel?

LynetteScavo Sun 27-Sep-09 22:25:36

Has he met your DS?

LegoLass Sun 27-Sep-09 22:26:06

Just take your time don't read to much into anything, if he wants to be with you he will work it out.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:26:18

he's never met DS, spoken to him or anything like that - i'd never let it get that far if he wasn't sure, or more importantly I wasn't.

Hassled Sun 27-Sep-09 22:26:19

It's a big deal, a childless person dating someone with a child. My DH had a decidedly wobbly period around the time we started getting serious - I had my oldest 2 DCs from my first marriage.

And I can't blame him - he had no experience of young children, knew that they would always be my first priority rather than him, and he wasn't sure if he could cope with either that or the DCs themselves. And in the end he decided it was worth the risk, 14 years later we're still together with 2 more DCs and all is (usually) well.

But it IS a huge decision. Much better your DP thinks long and hard now re whether he's up to the challenge than that you rush things and a year down the line he realises that actually, he can't cope, both with not being first and the practicalities of dealing with someone else's small child. So be patient - give him time to work it all out.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:26:57

I was sort of hoping someone would come along who's second H/P felt the same and things actually turned out rosy!

Twinsmommy Sun 27-Sep-09 22:27:02

It is still very early on in the relationship. I think, if you really like him, you need to step back a little and give him some time and space to actually acknowledge his feelings.

Perhaps with a bit of distance between you, he will realise how much he has got to lose. If he doesn't, then he wasn't worth the trouble in the first place.

Sorry - don't know the history - can only go on what you have put on this post.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:28:21

thanks hassled, I think he's worth the wait tbh, and am prepared to take a risk on this one (scarey words from a woman who's been with abusive men all her life & has so many issues with trust it's unbelievable. )

groundhogs Sun 27-Sep-09 22:33:03

Please don't be apologetic about your DS, don't put anyone, least of all a mere bloke, ahead of your son...

Be as cool as a cucumber, even if it's the furthest from the true feeling you have. Think ICE QUEEN. Then say:

"DS & I are a package, it's non-negotiable. I'm sorry, but I don't think you are right for us."

Then leave it at that. and I mean leave it at that.

If he scuttles off and does some serious thinking and decides that he has to just get over it and is genuinely committed to you and your DS, then all is well.

If he doesn't come back, then he really wasn't worth it at all in the end was he?

Think about how your DS would want you to stand up for yourself. Do him proud!

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:35:29

GHD! I'm NEVER apologetic over my son. lol.

When it comes to standing up for DS i'm right there - standing up for myself thou is another case.

right my phone is going off and i'm going to be unreachable to him for a few days - he has my email so can use that. Do I text first & say i'm giving him space or just leave it, how long is too long to leave it as well?

god my head!!

MagNacarta Sun 27-Sep-09 22:44:14

I'm not so sure that he's being unreasonable, dating someone with a child when you have never been a parent is a big thing. Actually it's only a big thing if you're a nice person and realise how important children are, so I'd see that he's taking it seriously as a sign of a good bloke. I would have wobbled if I'd gone out with someone with a child if I didn't have. He's being honest with you and that is another good thing.

I honestly don't think it's a dumping offence, he met you and knew you had a child and thought that would be ok. Now he's falling for you being a nice person he's thought it through a bit more and it's all a bit scary. He likes you and has been honest enough to tell you how he's feeling - all perfectly reasonable if you ask me. It also sounds like you're doing the right thing for your son and your relationship by not introducing them untill the time is right.

Give the man a chance.

thesouthsbelle Sun 27-Sep-09 22:46:48

i'm trying mag - just am v impatient! but I know deep down in some ways if I push the issue/swing the other way then it's not going to have the desired outcome I want.

Twinsmommy Sun 27-Sep-09 23:00:41

I think perhaps a message/text to him saying that you think you both need some space and leave it at that. If he contacts you after that, then you know he's really given it some thought. But personally, I wouldn't answer his calls or answer texts for, probably, a couple of weeks. If he's persistent, then you will know he means business.

thesouthsbelle Mon 28-Sep-09 07:06:49

couple of weeks! will he not think i'm not interested anymore?

thesouthsbelle Mon 28-Sep-09 07:28:27

typical, I turn my phone off after saying we won't talk again that night and get a message of 'night night sweet dreams hunny. x x'

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