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don't understand DH anymore

(9 Posts)
onionlove Sun 27-Sep-09 18:34:15

hi everyone

Hope you can help me yesterday was a horrible day went to one of our best friends wedding been looking filorward to it for months. I am seven months pregnant so was looking forward to catching up with friends etc. My DH has been away all week with work so haven't seen him. Wedding was lovely such good fun and so romantic anyhow I noticed DH was getting pretty drunk and moody so we went for a walk to get some air whilst we were outside he started being really horrible saying I nag him all the time he's not happy I don't love him I only talk about baby etc. This isn't the first time he has been like this but he has said he doesn't mean it and its just work pressure or other pressure around his ex and his daughter. I told him I didn't want to hear these things anymore and I was going to sit in the car on my own for a bit I was so upset this had happened again and spoilt a really nice day. He hasn't spoken to me today and is hungover i don't know what to say anymore I cant decide if he is just an arse when drunk at the moment because of pressure of everything going on or he is that unhappy and can't talk rationally when sober or try to sort it out either way I am fed up with being insulted and rowing with him he never used tinge like this we have been married four years I just feel I can't cope especially when we should be helping each other and looking forward to baby can anyone help or advise please

groundhogs Sun 27-Sep-09 20:53:04

Not really sure if I can help, but perhaps he's feeling awkward about his dd. Weddings make us think funny things, especially when we've had a few.

I dare say you may be talking a lot about baby at the moment, but that's cos it's foremost and upfront in your mind...

I think he may be feeling insecure, for perhaps many many reasons.

Try to stop yourself thinking 'we should be feeling this, should be doing that' thoughts. Hormones for you and insecurity for him can turn that all on it's head.

Take a deep breath, and go spoil him, make a big fuss over his hangover... when the baby's here, he's not likely to get that level of one-to-one attention...

Give him the benefit of the doubt... there maybe lots of stuff he's got bubbling under the surface.

Bunnysoprano Sun 27-Sep-09 21:27:59

Sorry - I totally disagree. There is no WAY that you should be spoiling someone who has spoken to you like that. For what ever reason, he has said things last night which completely undermine the basis of your relationship.

Why on earth would you got an spoil someone who has said these things for whatever reason? What that says is "I'm a big door mat. Why don't you wipe your feet on my forehead here. Oh, and while you're at it, feel free to speak to me like that whenever you want."

I would say absolutely nothing to him. Do what you need to do today. Do absolutely nothing for him. No cooking, shopping, washing. Nothing. Tell him you'll speak to him when he's ready to apologise. No shouting, nothing like that. If he tries to justify what he said and why, just walk away. Once he apologises, then you can discuss his rationale.

I'm actually outraged on your behalf.

GrendelsMum Sun 27-Sep-09 21:37:05

I don't quite see what he's said that's so offensive? Either way, refusing to listen to him speak and playing passive aggressive probably isn't going to help with your relationship.

It sounds like at the moment, he isn't feeling very happy, and he's said so. Obviously, telling you this at a wedding, when he's drunk was a stupid idea. But as you say, it may be that when he's sober he can't find the words. If he does feel that you don't love him any more, it's obviously pretty serious for your relationship. I think that you need to talk to him straight out today, to find out what's wrong. Have you considered going to relationship counselling? Has he considered going to individual counselling?

Bunnysoprano Sun 27-Sep-09 21:49:00

I don't think it is passive aggresive. I think it is making it clear to someone that there is a line that that you will not accept being crossed. No arguments, no debate, no shouting. Listen to the justification but after the apology.

I think the fact that he has said at a wedding (not an appropriate place to say it), that he is unhappy and that OP nags him all the time is not fair. He said it in such a way that OP had to go and sit in the car as she was so upset.

I do not think that the wedding of OP's best friend is the place to say what he said. Even if he has justification in saying it, to say it in such a way that OP was so upset she had to sit in the car is not acceptable behaviour in my book.

As I said in my first post, listen to the justification but after the apology, which OP deserves.

Bunnysoprano Sun 27-Sep-09 21:56:02

"aggressive", I mean.

groundhogs Sun 27-Sep-09 22:43:24

Sorry, he sounds a little like his life is out of control.

Sure bunnysoprano OP could go at him hell for leather, but it'd only inflame the situation.

Men are like that, they get stressed, they get nasty. We might not like it, it may even be wrong, but it happens. It doesn't make any sense, but men in general don't actually make much sense most of the time.

I agree, he doesn't perhaps deserve a bit of pandering, but in some sort of messed up way, that's what he's asking for.. with the you don't love me anymore comments and irrational behaviour at wedding. Men can get emotional too, even if they can't actually deal with their feelings.

It's worth a try, for OP to sit down, hand on knee and say what's up you silly bugger, of course I love you... The fact that he hasn't said anything to her today could even be embarrassment.

So yes his behaviour may be being totally counter-productive, but if OP dissarms him with kindness, perhaps he'll get over himself and open a dialogue.

onionlove Sun 27-Sep-09 23:02:51

thanks for your replies they are much appreciated and its good to get some different perspectives

I know he has a lot on his mind at the moment and we talk a lot about things and support each other pretty well so I thought but he is obviously harbouring insecurity which does make me sad that he is sad and want to cuddle and talk and make it better. Having said that this has been a bit of a pattern lately and I am fed up and have told him I don't want to be spoken to like I am the bad guy all the time, we all get angry but some things he says are below the belt particularly when I am pregnant I feel. He has still not spoken and nor have I, I do want an apology and I want him to think hard about what he wants as I am not prepared to go on like this I am strong willed and have been treated badly before and don't want it to happen again. I know he has a lot going on but there is no need for this we are both nearly forty and should be happy and secure in love and trust with one another. If he doesn't want that there are better ways than being so nasty I think. I am tired now so will wait to see what tomorrow brings thanks again for being there.

onionlove Tue 29-Sep-09 09:27:38

Hi guys,
Just wanted to bump this up the list again to see if anyone else has advise for me. DH is still not speaking to me and although I'm know I'm being stubborn I still want an apology from him and I don't want to offer an olive branch, its usually up to me to do this and I want him to realise that he needs to handle these things in a different way.
Please help, I hate this not speaking but I don't want to argue or cause conflict.
Onion xx

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