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I just need to talk about my 'marrige'.

(27 Posts)
samay Sun 27-Sep-09 14:11:14

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purplepeony Sun 27-Sep-09 14:19:24

I have not read ll of this, but all i can suggest is that if you really are unhappy, you leave.
You married very young. You did rush into having a child, for no good reason really as you still have 10+ years of child bearing ahead of you even now!

You said you had been single for 3 years when you met him- did you mean you had not had a boyfriend for 3 years, or that you had been married before?

If you feel like this at 30, I can't see anyway you can make it to 80 being with this man, unless you change your expectations and accept the good and the bad in it all.

Either you accept your marriage for not being perfect, or you get out of it.

samay Sun 27-Sep-09 14:21:07

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purplepeony Sun 27-Sep-09 14:49:21

I know there is no point looking back, but Iwould not like to think that you weer the same person you were when you met your DH. To be boyfriend-less between 18-21-ish is not a reason to marry the wrong man is it? Almost half the women in the country at that age are at university- not desperately thinking about getting married and having a child.

What's done is done. If you have never felt physically attracted to this man, and know that you will never be, then you have to leave. I don'tknow how or how you can manage with money- you need advice and planning, such as getting a job, seeing the CAB, finding out about benefits etc- but it looks as if you must end it for bothyour sakes'

samay Sun 27-Sep-09 15:16:56

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purplepeony Sun 27-Sep-09 15:23:15

Are you Asian- is that why you refer to your friends arranged marriages?

Your DH must be as unhappy as you are. He can't be happy without sex.

There is always another option however hard it might seem to find it.

Plenty of women have walked out with nothing and made a life for themselves. Maybe you will have towait until the money side is better, but if that is going to be years and years, maybe not.

What is your H doing to sort out the money ? It sounds a huge mess if you owe hundreds of thousands of pounds- does that exclude a mortgage, or is that your mortgage?

I have no idea what you can do re.money, but i am sure others will come along with some ideas.

mrsruffallo Sun 27-Sep-09 15:24:41

I think you need help as a couple. If there is love there, then there is hope you could be really happy together. Try doing something new together, sharing an interest or learning something nre together may work wonders.
Failing that there is always marriage counselling.
You need to be again. I think the less you make love the less you feel like it. You need to find a way to explore that side of your relationship.
Good luck in whatever you decide

purplepeony Sun 27-Sep-09 15:26:46

But MrsR- she just doesn't fancy him and never has- I doubt it can happen now.

mrsruffallo Sun 27-Sep-09 15:28:24

But they obviously had a sex life before marriage!

purplepeony Sun 27-Sep-09 15:44:49

There are sex lives and sex lives- if you read her post they have not had sex for 8 years since the child was conceived.

cocolepew Sun 27-Sep-09 15:50:48

Do you think you husband might be gay? I'm not being disrespectful but that is a long time to go without sex and he seems happy with you as a friend. Could you not see about your DD going to school and trying for a PT job? You sound very lonely.

samay Sun 27-Sep-09 15:58:55

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FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 27-Sep-09 16:01:51

I disagree, purplepeony. Her husband could be quite happy having a sexless marriage. How are you to know?

samay all I have picked out that you want is to love your husband like you feel you should. Do you have any feelings for him at all? Did you ever love him? Would you both be willing to go back and try and restart your relationship, separate rooms, have meals together, could your father baby sit so you could go out?

If you don't want to try then your options are to carry on as you are or leave. Don't stay for your daughter's sake. It is a hell of a pressure on her.

BiancaJackson Sun 27-Sep-09 16:03:02

Very hard to advise, as I just couldn't live like this and would have left a long time ago.

What do you want from your life, outside of a relationship? What makes you happy? Do you work? Have interests outside of your marriage? Why don't you have any friends?

This sounds like half a life. To be honest, your relationship sounds like only the tip of the iceberg.

samay Sun 27-Sep-09 16:03:09

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cocolepew Sun 27-Sep-09 16:05:07

Sorry blush I presumed that the issue of sex was never raised.

mrsruffallo Sun 27-Sep-09 16:20:24

Hmm, well those new relationship feelings do go. They may even go with the gut you felt a ripple of lust for at the wedding.
They don't last but if you commit to a marriage and have a kid then that's where the hard work starts. You either have to try to make this a full relationship or leave, I'm afraid.
Anyway I'm leaving this thread, something is not ringing true to me.

samay Sun 27-Sep-09 16:20:39

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samay Sun 27-Sep-09 16:26:18

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memorylapse Sun 27-Sep-09 16:29:22

samay-my heart goes out to you as its an unbearble situation to be in..

if there really is no hope then I think ultimately you should split..you are both young and could make new lives for yourselves..at the moment you are both just living a miserable existence.

Thingiebob Sun 27-Sep-09 16:30:38

This is a sad situation for both of you.
An amicable split sounds best.
Perhaps you should sit down and talk about the lack of sex in your marriage and how you don't want to spend the rest of your life celibate. I'm sure he doesn't either. Between the two of you perhaps you could work out a split of some sorts although it doesn't have to involve messy divorce, sudden moving out etc so you could maintain some stability for your daughter.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 27-Sep-09 16:33:58

Given all the rotten experiences you have had over the past few years, have you considered the possibility that you could be depressed? This might have produced a sort of deadening effect. Just a thought.

petitmaman Sun 27-Sep-09 16:37:15

what about trying sex therapy? or have you discussed having an open marriage? not ideal i know but i am no tsure what else to suggest. sounds a reasonably familiar story to me though sad

samay Sun 27-Sep-09 16:46:30

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gonnabehappy Sun 27-Sep-09 16:56:34

Samay

You have so much going for you living with this man, although I can totally understand it is not enough!

You sound like you and your husband are able to talk - it seems crazy not to give couples counselling a try. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't...but two very honourable sounding people will truly know they gave it their best shot...and so will their daughter.

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