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I am really struggling with the casual relationship i have had for the last 10 months but i am not strong enough to end it..

(10 Posts)
cheekysealion Sun 27-Sep-09 12:10:06

When we are together it is bliss... he is so caring and loving towards me..

He has told me about 8 months ago he has feelings for me but doesnt want a relationship at this point in his life..

I am just not sure i can carry on in this casual set up any more, in some ways it suits me as i am independent person and wouldnt want someone constantly with me.. but other times it really really hurts that i dont really know where i stand with him..

I am to scared to end it though as i really like him a lot..

yes he has had hurt in the past his last girlfriend left him for his friend.. but i to have had hurt in the past and i am willing to give it a chance.

Do i give it a bit more time to develop or cut my losses..

Can casual relationships ever become more than just casual?

rubyslippers Sun 27-Sep-09 12:12:15

cut your losses

he has been upfront - he doesn't want a relationship and you are struggling to keep it casual

10 months is a reasonable amount of time to see if things would develop and they haven't

it must feel hard but it probably is the best thing to do

EightiesChick Sun 27-Sep-09 12:19:34

Believe what he has told you. He's not capable of giving you a relationship that will make you happy. What exactly does 'casual' mean for you two? How often do you see each other, does he stay at yours, does he pay his way etc?

Hard I know but I would cut your losses. Tell him cheerfully that he's SO right and it would be much better to keep things casual, then stop contacting him and wait for him to make a move. If he doesn't then you have a final answer. I know all this is much harder in practice!

duke748 Sun 27-Sep-09 12:24:19

I have had a casual relationship that turned into something more serious over time. It was something we both wanted at about the same time. So, yes it can work.

However, I don't think that that sounds like your situation.

You said 'it really really hurts that i dont really know where i stand with him.." but he HAS told you where you stand "He has told me ... he doesnt want a relationship".

You can choose to stay with him and take it as it is if it suits you. But please don't do this if there is any part of you that thinks that this is all you deserve or that you won't be able to get a 'proper' relationship.

You deserve to have the relationship that you want. But it sounds like he wants something different. I think its time to move on and open up a space in your life for you to meet someone who is on the same page as you.

warthog Sun 27-Sep-09 12:32:58

you do know where you stand, it's just not what you want.

if you want things to go further, i think your only hope is to state that you are no longer up for a casual thing, and that either you would like things to move on with him or you will be moving on.

no histrionics, drama, just calm. if he says he doesn't want a relationship, kiss him goodbye. literally. no tears etc. because that's just what will drive him away.

then see what happens. either he will miss you and want to carry on seeing you - bonus. or he will move on, as must you and you have your answer.

at least you won't waste anymore time.

ninah Sun 27-Sep-09 12:36:18

csl have you posted about this man before
doesn't seem like he's making you happy

duke748 Sun 27-Sep-09 12:55:14

Warthog's advice is good. That is essentially what I did with my man right at the very beginning. I realised I didn't want to see other people. Easy, job done. Then I realised I didn't want him to see other people either. I took a bit of time to admit this to myself, but then I told him that.

I did it in a kind of 'its been great, but I am bowing out now as I don't think its what I want anymore' way. He told me that he wasn't seeing other people and hated the idea of me with others too. Phew!

I guess you have nothing to lose.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 27-Sep-09 12:57:21

He's been honest with you. It's up to you now. You can either accept what he can offer you, or you tell him that it is over because you want to be with someone who wants the same things as you do.

purplepeony Sun 27-Sep-09 13:16:54

Why not keep your options open? see him, but when it suits you and try to detach yourself emotionally a bit?

See other men and don't always say Yes if he asks to see you- if nothing else it will make you feel stronger, and it might make him jealous.

You haven't given many details, but I suspect you are a bit of a fuck buddy- if that suits you, fine- but if not then it's a mis-match.

Do you have regular dates or just now and then?

I think you have to listen to him. It's not easy, but sometimes if you walk away, men run after you.

It worked with my DH- been together now 25 years- after 3 years dating he wouldn't commit, so I started dating other guys. he quickly realised what he might lose.

Worth a try!

cheekysealion Sun 27-Sep-09 20:35:13

thanks for all your wise words..

He last said the not wanting a relationship bit in March a few days before i was going away on a school holiday (as an adult not a student.).

I had bought him some lovely birthday presents which he totally loved but said it was to much and made him feel that we were in a proper relationship.. which scared him because its not what he wants.. he said yes i have feelings for you and yes there is chemistry between us but we need to try and be mature about it and not let things happen between us..

I remember not sleeping that night after the conversation with him.. I then went off for the week.. didnt contact him when i got back , then he phoned me, during the conversation he said the clocks went foward here today not sure if they did where you were, so i said what do you mean i have been back in this country for 3 days!!.. he was so put out and couldnt understand why i hadnt contacted him on my imeadiate return!!!

As soon as we met up again things carried on as before with no talk of the conversation we had before i went away..

There is no easy answer to this for me... as i have such strong feelings for me .. but i am def thinking about the comments on this thread

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