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I am self-pitying according to DH

(16 Posts)
OrmIrian Sat 26-Sep-09 21:20:32

I am tring to get off citalopram after a year on 20mg. I get a little anxious and panicky but fuck I am trying not to. We just had a big screaming row about his behaving like some silverback gorilla around the DC which drives me mad! I asked him to leave - he had already said "I'll fuck off then shall I as no-one wants me" at which point I accused him of self-pity (fair?) and he replied that if anyone was self-pitying it was me. Yeah, thanks. That can be the nature of depression hmm

So now I can't share that with him now. I'd better keep it all bottled up.

I am so angry and hurt and fucking lonely.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Sat 26-Sep-09 21:30:13

Oh dear OrmIrian, this has been brewing for a while hasn't it? I know you're angry now and probably not ready for this just yet, but his comment says it all really. You stopped nurturing one another a long time ago I think. As you know from what I said before, it is so easy to get into this rut. Have you given any thought to couples counselling like I mentioned before? I have the strongest instinct that something's going to blow between you if you don't both take action now. I don't think tonight's episode is the real showdown, but I think it is an indication of a more underlying problem I'm afraid.

OrmIrian Sat 26-Sep-09 22:33:53

Oh when sad haven't given much thought to anything much beyond keeping my head above water and trying to support his new job.

Right now I feel so angry. I have spent the last 16yrs supporting him whilst he did a degree then decided it wasn't for him and tried on one job after another. I have worked solidly at a job I tolerate to keep enough money coming in to keep us solvent while he 'followed his dream'. Twat!

OrmIrian Sat 26-Sep-09 22:37:26

Can't stop crying. All the DC were upset.

Katisha Sat 26-Sep-09 22:37:38


Did you mean it when you said you asked him to leave?

OrmIrian Sat 26-Sep-09 22:39:20

yes. Not forever, just for an hour or two. So he could calm down and I could calm the kids down. He was so angry and there was no absolutely no justification for it.

Self-bsesssed self-important wanker.

Katisha Sat 26-Sep-09 22:43:44

God what a pain. He really doesn't get it does he.

Try to get some sleep if you can.

OrmIrian Sun 27-Sep-09 10:08:50

Well I got an apology of sorts. He ddn't see what I was so upset about but he apologised. I still feel hurt. It feels as though he isn't my closest friend anymore - he used to be. Can't remember when that stopped.

OrmIrian Sun 27-Sep-09 10:49:50

BTW thankyou for replying last night. I needed someone to talk to. Didn't want to talk to H, children walking on eggshells and giving me hugs and asking me if I was alright all the time sad. So I had to be alright for them.

I do feel sorry for DH in some ways. DC are never like that with him .

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 27-Sep-09 10:56:01

Orm - don't feel bad for him about that, there will be a reason why the DC aren't like that with him. They are probably fully aware that you have carried the bulk of the responsibility over the years and I suspect feel quite protective of you.

Have you and DH talked about counselling, because these problems have been going on for a while haven't they?

WhenwillIfeelnormal Sun 27-Sep-09 11:08:40

OrmIrian - I'm sorry if my reply last night was ill-timed. I do understand that when you're angry, that perhaps was not what you wanted to hear right then!

Once the dust has settled, it might be worth exploring the deeper issues, but for now, hope you have a more peaceful day.

OrmIrian Sun 27-Sep-09 11:09:05

Indeed they have. In various forms.

I guess we could go to counselling - but I don't know that I can deal with what comes out TBH. Sometimes it's easier to let it go. I know that sounds pathetic but I am so so tired.

OrmIrian Sun 27-Sep-09 11:10:25

No problem when. I appreciated your comment. But wasn't really ready to hear anything sensible at the time smile

Katisha Sun 27-Sep-09 12:23:01

Can you go out to dinner one night and just have it all out? He needs to understand why you feel your efforts to support him are unappreciated. And maybe he does know that deep down and thus it makes him feel that he isn't actually pulling his weight - who knows - but would it be possible to have a cards on the table type of conversation - in a restaurant so that no slamming of doors can occur (hopefully!)?

I know what you mean about counselling - it does open cans of worms and things seem to have to get worse before they get better.

But maybe don't let it all just simmer and fester like this if you can face it.

OrmIrian Sun 27-Sep-09 16:40:15

Thanks katisha. I think it would help. I am wondering if there is any mileage in asking our friends to have the kid overnight and actually go away. These friends promised months ago so they might still be open to it. Right now I don't want to spend time with him but that's besides the point.

Katisha Sun 27-Sep-09 17:05:49

Yes would be good to do it without the DCs about and away from the usual distractions of home. Sound your friends out.

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