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Supposed to be buying a house but dh wants to leave. Help.

(9 Posts)
Whatthehellisgoingon Sat 26-Sep-09 19:28:23

After too many sleep-deprived, psychotic rows, dh has said that he wants to leave.

I am shell-shocked. And know it's my fault, I have been suffering from anxiety and depression and taking medication which is helping... but it's harder when he is around. Have had a lovely week withthe kids, today- just tension and stress.

Dh is lovely and caring and does loads, but given up alcohol and feeling low - and a bitsnappy/distant. We have had loads of stress with the house buying and we are not sleeping together even - as ds (and often dd) is co-sleeping with me andthat's what I want really, though it was another thing we were going to sort when we moved... which has been delayed and delayed.

I just put all my energy into my kids, anddon't have any left for us I think. Maybe it would be easier but it breaks my heart thinking of daddy andthe kids being separate (cos they sure as hell aren;t going to livewith him).

I think I am just impossible to live with sad.

mrsboogie Sat 26-Sep-09 21:40:56

I'm sorry, it sounds like you have sacrificed the relationship with our husband for the sake of that with your children. That is easily done but in the end is not in the best interests of the children.

Why don't you kick the kids out of your bed and tell him you are willing to do what it takes to save the marriage? and then do it.

mrsboogie Sat 26-Sep-09 21:41:48

i mean "your" husband, obviously.

angel1976 Sat 26-Sep-09 22:30:30

I agree with mrsboogie, you are admitting that you are putting all your energy in your kids and not into your relationship with your husband, you need to do something about this. Don't delay it any longer. Moving may sound like your chance to make changes but it may also be too late then! My DH and I had a bad patch (the worst in our almost 7 years of marriage) a couple of months ago and hearing that he was unhappy really shook me up. I made the same mistake as you, pouring all my energy into my DS as he was so 'little' and needed me.

DH did not want to leave us but we realised we both needed to make fundamental changes to the way things were. Some of the things we did was:

- Made a babysitting pact with a close friend for regular babysitting so we could go out on our own
- Made an effort to do things as a family, not just sit around the house on the weekends
- For me to leave DS alone with DH more so they could bond, and not 'hover' over them all the time
- DH to get back into doing regular sports like football
- Got a cleaner in every week so we don't fight about housework on the weekends

It was hard at the beginning (we have no family near by who can babysit at the drop of a hat) as I found it really hard to leave DS, believing (falsely) that he wouldn't survive without me as he is a PFB! Guess what? He survived just fine. Today, we even left him with a friend of ours (who he knows very well and her 2 DDs) while DH and I went shopping. He didn't miss us at all and had a blast playing with his little friends while DH and I had such a nice time shopping without trying to deal with a squirming and unhappy toddler in a stroller in a busy shopping centre.

It has made such HUGE difference in our relationship. It feels like we have got a lot of our old spark back. Make no mistake, we love our DS dearly (and having another soon!) but I believe it's healthy for both parents and children to spend the odd time away now and then. DS is 19 months old btw. Please do something before it really is too late. DS loves his daddy so much now. It's taken a while though...

lavenderkate Sat 26-Sep-09 22:56:56

I think your first sentence sums it up.
Sleep deprived.

It wont be forever. Hope you can work things out.

Whatthehellisgoingon Sun 27-Sep-09 08:03:22

Thanks all, we had a good chat (and a cuddle). Dh was speaking from sleep-deprived mind... We'd had a particularly crap night (ironically because we were all together, last night we slept apart and have woken up bright and perky!). And I think I took it too much to heart as I was feeling low too...

I think we do need to spend more time together yes, but I don't think our relationship is at breaking point. We just need more sleep!!! Would happily have more time away from kids - my mum had them both on my birthday and it was bliss (did absolutely nothing. together). Ds is at an awkward age (14mths) and needs more supervision than dd (3) , but it is kinda getting easier. They both adore their Daddy - have no probs leaving them with him to go out. Espesh now I am not bf anymore.

I do think this house thing is really stressing us (and the kids too) as we have been living kind of in 'limbo' for ages (were supposed to be moved by end of Sept). Fingers crossed , it can be resolved this week - and I think we have to just get on with our lives and stop postponing anyway.

Will organise a night out asap...


mumblechum Sun 27-Sep-09 08:09:21

Agree absolutely with Angel. I see that you're hoping to sort out some child free time, which is great, but you really need to arrange it soon, and also sort out the sleeping arrangements which sound awful tbh.

I think it's really important to put the marriage first a lot of the time, otherwise you end up getting divorced which is not good for the children (understatement!)

angel1976 Sun 27-Sep-09 13:04:48

Whatthehellisgoingon - You both sound like the position we found us in a few months ago. My DH was very unhappy but I don't think he would ever want to leave us. Like you, I didn't think we would really split up but it was a definitely wake up call for us.

Our relationship is now a million times better than before. We are lucky though, our DS has always been a good sleeper and getting even better - he goes to bed at 7 and now sleeps in till 8 (if he is 'allowed' as on nursery days, we have to go and get him up!) and on the rare occasion, he sleeps till 9am! And still has a long afternoon nap, he is very active though. Don't underestimate the importance of sleep... Both DH and I have had a new lease of life since DS started sleeping through properly a few months ago. Good luck. You sound like you will be just fine.

Thandeka Mon 28-Sep-09 08:22:16

Whatthehellisgoingon the details in your post fits pretty much exactly with the situation of a friend of mine- so if it is you- then you know where I am if you need me!

And glad things seem brighter after a sleep- it is a marvellous tonic.

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