This will be a long story. I have to get this off my chest. For me, this relationship needs to be over. I need advice on how to proceed.
My husband is a serial adulterer. We've been married 5 years, together for 7 in total. We have a daughter together, a teenage son (from my previous relationship) and twins from his ex (who stay with us at weekends).
Right now, he is abroad again with his family. This time is for 3 weeks in his car. I can't remember hw many times he's visited alone this year (4/5 maybe). We've visited once or twice as a family each year since getting hitched.
Anyway... Our two year engagement was wonderful. I honestly don't believe he was unfaithful during this time.
We were married in May 5 years ago. A month later, I fell pregnant. Three months into the pregnancy, I discovered he was having an affair.
At first I'd hoped it was simply a fling. Though it almost killed me, I said nothing for almost two mnths, hoping for the best. then I reached breaking point and confronted them both. It ended, though he still lies abut it through his teeth. I know I was not wrong - she admitted the affair. The evidence was everywhere.
We stayed together. He is "dad" to my son, and the father of our daughter. In many ways I would have felt ashamed if our marriage had ended, as though failure would be my fault.
He has had more affairs since. These have been more difficult to prove, though I did confront him. Again, the lies.
We have reached breaking point on numerous occasions. Each time, he would not willingly leave me. Each time I feel guilty. I didn't want the marriage to end, and for my children to be without their dad.
A couple of months ago, when everything seemed perfect, I discovered his extremely unsavoury activities online. I'm an IT professional, and honestly found those first few things accidentally when fixing his work computer.
First came the discovery he'd become a member of dirty flirting sites like horny matches dot com. The kind of site where ppl go to find no-strings partners.
Then I discovered an email addy he had tried to keep from me, and easily guessed the pw. What I found there was far worse. no messages from particular women, but many more memberships to similar sites. I also found out about his FB account - in a different name - where he is friends with many women from his own country. One of them has even created a "fansite" for him. It makes my skin crawl.
I know he also chats on MSN while at work. I have not been able to access those logs, yet suspect the worst.
We do have a great sex life. there is no need whatsoever for him to seek pleasure elsewhere. I can only imagine this is a huge ego trip for him, like an addiction he simply can't give up.
Here is my situation right now:
I want a divorce.
I do not want to deal with this anymore.
This relationship should really have been over months (if not years) ago. He is abroad right now, so his presence is having little affect on my emotions.
In 12 days time, he will be back home. I plan (and need) to tell him the relationship is over. For good, this time.
But I am very very scared!
We have a home here together - a rented council house, and the tenancy is in my sole name.
We also have a house (fully paid up) in his home country. This is in his sole name.
We both have a car. In own names.
I sincerely doubt there will be any question that the children will stay with me. He is incapable of looking after them himself. Almost all aspects of parenting are my sole respnsibility, and always have been.
So... if I tell him that it's over, this really means I want him to move out. I know he will have a place to "stay" - he's self employed and has a bed in the back of one of his shops - allegedly in reaction to our most recent almost-split.
At present, I imagine he has little idea of my feelings. To be brutally honest, I kept my suspicions from him before his big trip on purpose - if I'd mentioned this before, he may not have decided to come back. For the sake of the children, I do want him to be present in their lives.
I have no evidence of an affair - just suspicion, which he could attempt to pass off as innocent flirting. Solid evidence may make it easier for a final split.
I'm worried he may get angry - not physically abusive (he has never laid a hand on me), but angry at me for being the cause of the split, and for making him start building a new home and life for himself.
My main concern is my children. These past couple of weeks, while he's been away, they have both been very upset. Especially my daughter. Though he is not often "around" as a true "dad", they do miss his presence terribly.
Furthermore, if this split makes him angry he may try to take our daughter abroad. This frightens me immensely. He is originally from an Arabic country, and to make matters worse his brother is a very high ranking police officer. If he could get her over to his country, he could easily hide her from everyone, and I'd have no chance of ever getting her back.
This is something he once threatened (in anger) during a time of great problems with his ex.
Obviously, as we are married he has equal parental responsibility for our daughter. He will be granted access, and I do want him to see the children. But I'm scared of what could happen.
I need to know my legal standpoint, as soon as possible.
Financially, I will be okay. I am self-employed, and for the past few months have been filtering some money into a savings account he doesn't know if. Worst case scenario fund.
There is not a huge amount of money in the pot, certainly not enough for a long expensive legal battle.
My hope is we may be able to divorce amicably. All I want from him is the means to support our children, ie: leave me the cooker, beds for the kids and the basics to get by. I don't expect maintanance and can manage without.
Please, please offer me some advice on how to proceed.
I don't know what to say to make him understand that this is over, and that there is no longer any hope of trying again.
I don't know how to keep him in a calm state so he can still be around for the children.
I really need to know if there are steps I may take to prevent him abducting our daughter abroad.
I appreciate anything you could say, to make this clearer and easier for me, and less traumatic for him.
Thank you for reading down this far. I look forward to any advice you wonderful ladies may be able to offer.
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Relationships
I know this marriage has reached it's end, but sincerely in need of advice
9 replies
afaz · 26/09/2009 11:52
OP posts:
RubysReturn ·
26/09/2009 16:56
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RubysReturn ·
26/09/2009 19:58
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