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Why does he treat me with such contempt?

(8 Posts)
slimbo Sat 26-Sep-09 09:56:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meglet Sat 26-Sep-09 10:03:55

sad some men are sub-human aren't they angry. My ex-p is similar to yours, we split at the start of the year and he's still messing me and the dc's around - no maintenance, verbal abuse and threats towards me.

I really don't know what the answer is. I think all you can do is document everything (easier said than done, I always forget) and look forward to life with your dd.11 weeks isn't a long time to come to terms with a bad ending for a relationship.

aRLcat Sat 26-Sep-09 10:22:29

slimbo, 11 weeks is nothing! No-one could expect you to be 'over it' or anything like it.

While you are in contact with him, he will continue to mess around. It prolongs communication with you, for him. He will enjoy the fact that you appear to want or need this. Think 'naughty child', it does not matter if your communication with him is negative, it is attention and he's getting it.

To end this cycle, you need to break all direct contact with him. Go to your solicitor (change to another if you are not completely confident in your current one - this matters!) at the end of each month or even every fortnight with a list of issues regarding which, a response is required from your ex.

This may seem a long winded way of sorting out what maybe minor issues but it will remove you from the daily struggle of communication with him and in fact, will place the control entirely in your hands.

If he sees your DD for contact, give him the number of a third party to call in case of any emergency.

Change your phone number and try to find other ways to increase your independence. Visit job centre, speak to CAB, become self sufficient! Because your reliance upon him is what has made this current situation possible.... and he's probably loving that knowledge.

slimbo Sat 26-Sep-09 13:02:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ironwilledmama Sat 26-Sep-09 13:55:16

aRLcat is spot on, its still early days in such a shocking situation and of course you will still be reeling as to how he could do this. Well as shocking and disgusting as it is its happening and you can't change anything he does but you can certainly change what you are doing.

Its really important that you stop texting, he has made it clear hes going to pick and choose how and when he communicates with you, well thats something you can take control of straight away. Just imagine everytime you send a text, him showing it to the woman he's with and saying with a sigh she just won't leave me alone, and her thinking you still want to be with him, seriously, don't give that to them.

You've tried to communicate like most reasonable people would under these circumstances, and he won't,so enough!
Its time to say, no more! Every time you text and he decides if he will or won't answer, you are giving him permission to treat you bad and you and your dd deserve better than that. So no more texts, looking at facebook anything to do with him, its hard but I can guarantee when you stop giving this pathetic man control over your thoughts and actions you won't believe how much better you will feel.

He knows exactly what he is doing, when you are reacting sarcastically he is feeling justified for his actions and storing up reasons to hate you, just like he did with his ex wife and he will do exactly the same with the new woman, believe me. He will never change but you will, now show him how quick you can move on and put paid to his control tactics once and for all.

dizietsma Sat 26-Sep-09 16:42:18

I second what everyone else says and add that you oughta de-friend him on facebook. Seriously. It sounds like your social life is much improved without him, so enjoy that online. Concentrate on that and do your best to avoid dealing with his BS.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 26-Sep-09 16:55:24

Yes, he's a shit. WOuld it help to understand why, because I can tell you why he is behaving like this.
He's a fuckwitted romantic monogamist with an ego the size of a planet. To him, every new partner is The One. and also the only woman in the world who is worthy of him, so every time he moves on to another women, he has a compulsion not just to leave his existing partner (the new relationship is always started before the last one was finished) but to destroy her.
As others have said, avoid any direct contact with him, and only use indirect contact for things like money and access to DC. Otherwise, don't engage with the nasty little bastard.
You could, if you were so minded (and especially if she also has DC by him) seek out the partner before you and have a mutual support society.

thumbwitch Sat 26-Sep-09 17:02:02

I know a man like this. What he did, each time he moved onto a new woman, was to completely block the previous one out of his emotional mindset - and rewrite his mental history so that his shitty behaviour was completely justified and he could move on without guilt. I guarantee he is now saying to this new woman exactly what he said to you about his ex - it is a protection mechanism for himself.

That doesn't in any way excuse it, it is a completely pathetic, shitbrained thing to do - I had to help pick up the pieces of this man's second wife, it wasn't pretty. As you said, she couldn't quite believe that he had gone so quickly from being so loving to her to seeming to hate her and being unable to stand talking to her - all because it reminded him of his bastard fuckwitty behaviour.

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